"I'm leaving on a jet plane...."

And my ex (first husband) is taking me to the airport. Got my ticket and that's all I need. Gotta figure out what to bring as the temps vary from 50 - 80 degrees this time of year.  And their cold is colder and their heat is hotter.  On the plus side....Southwest airlines allows two checked bags, 1 carry on and like your purse or whatever will fit under the seat in front of you and it's all NO CHARGE!  Apparently most of the other airlines now charge for each and every bag as well as $4 here and $12 there for basics.  I am so excited!!!  Well except when I feel a little nervous about it.  Will be there for my daughter-in-laws favorite holiday - Thangsgiving.  And will also be there when Gaby ?? who won the Olympic um...like gymnast thing will be speaking at their church.

Maggie is growing by leaps and bounds.  She is getting better about biting and also listening.  She still loves to chew though.  Hope she is done teething soon.  And perhaps getting spayed the end of the month or early Dec. will calm her down a bit.  I know when I was spayed,...it didn't calm me down.  Er,...well..not spayed but.....

I am also going to try to do things a bit different here.  I am going to try to write only the good things Hunter does.  Yes, it will be difficult as I am going to have to also exclude the things good that he does that any normal person SHOULD/WOULD do.  I don't know how this will work because I seem to be a complainer and I am also one for writing when I am angry, depressed or feeling negative.  It is the same with poetry.  Mine is always sad.  I tried to write a "happy"  poem twice and they were both stupid -  I think because they weren't genuine feelings.

Anyway...it is a bit chilly out here  - my fingers are numb - and I have housework I want to do.  Peace and Love.

My depression naps don't seem to be working.

I have started back on the escape/depression naps again.  They really don't work.  It's as though I am in that place between sleep and awake. 
I left Hunter a note last night before I went to bed saying that I probably wasn't going to church the next day-today-and not to wake me.  He had mentioned stopping for a few groceries after church so I wrote down a couple things I needed, to make dinner this evening.  I had alot of left over canned tomatoes from the other day that I wanted to use up.  I only wanted one# of burger.  He brought back 1 and a half, saying he knew a pound wouldn't be enough for him.  I'm sorry. When did I tell him what I was making?  Now for those who follow me regularly....I have given this as one example of why I am sick of cooking.  He also mentioned that there was a pkg. of frozen crab.  The fake kind which I happen to love. So the "suggestion" was made that I "could" make crab salad.  And so.....that's what I made.  Yum-O by the way.  Right before I begin to cook, he grabs a plate and loads it with snacks like crackers and cheese and eats while I am getting dinner ready.  Then in the middle of my cooking he gets in the way to make Maggie's dinner.  Mind you....she is a dog and it isn't even just a matter of putting dry food in her dish.  Oh no.  Mix in this and that and heat this and....done.  So Maggie is underfoot as I cook because her dish is in the small cooking area of my kitchen.  Anyway, I get done with dinner and he is asleep at the table.  He's one of those guys who falls asleep as soon as he sits down.

While Hunter was out this morning I was able to do a few things without his interfering or getting in the way.  I started a load of laundry to hang outside.(which I will no longer do until spring as it doesn't seem to dry despite the sun and temps and breeze.)  I spray painted a plaque I had bought as a kind of memorial to my dad.  I also got the front porch painted and finished just as he got home.  Too late! Was just picking up the stuff to take it in and clean it and he says, "Are you going to paint the steps too?"  These are the steps I have wanted to paint for over two years now and he kept saying no because he was going to turn them over and plane them.  Just ug. 

Then I tell him that my son just had Tebow fixed.  He asks me why.  What was wrong.
I said, "Well....she's a girl and she could get pregnant."
Then he starts telling me about Luna getting fixed a couple of weeks ago.  Um....Luna?  She is one of his friends from the farm.  I give a shit about this why?

And so it goes.  I have decided once again to try to find my joy and when I do, I won't let anyone steal it.  It's sad that no one seems to share the joy but I will be joyful anyway.

I stay because of the money issue.  And....ya can't always choose who you love.  Guess I do a crappy job at that huh?

This is the first time I've made an appt. for sex.

So I am sitting out on the porch and Hunter comes out.  He wanted to know if I was up for some "afternoon delight."  Of course I always am except for when I'm not.  He says whenever.  I said now.  He said he was going to tear out some of the garden first.  So I asked when.  He said two o'clock.
Yup!  I officially had and appt. for sex.  How weird is that?

Now that I don't work, Sundays are the longest day of the week.  Why is that?  I guess it's because I don't think about getting ready for work the next day.  Church is at 9 and we are out by 10.  But around dinner time it is hard to believe it's still Sunday.

Yeah.  Sex and church in the same post.  I'm like that.  I don't think about what I should or shouldn't say.  It's just me.  It's who I am.

I have a question about texting.  Whenever I text my daughter-in-law or my grand daughter....I always get a one word text back.  I don't like that.  I texted Meadow asking how her game was.  She replied, "Fine."  No word about who won or what the score was.  So is that the way texting is supposed to work.  I mean, is it an unwritten rule or something?

Oddly my fingers are numb.  It must be kinda cold out here.

I see my GP tomorrow to see if I need a med. adjustment.  I am so tired everyday and I think it's the thyroid medicine.  I need to be awake!  I'll be happy if he prescribes a good slap in the face every morning if I thought it would work.

Oh.  And Penny the Jack Russel Terrier and Internet star will be amused by this.....
Maggie was playing yesterday though not quite as exuberantly as she usually does.  Then she slowed way down, plopped down on her side and pooped with out even moving.  I mean, the poops just came out.  She was lethargic for a little while but perked up soon there after.  What was that all about?

Will let you know if the Dr. changes my meds. or tells me to take a cold shower twice a day or what.  Ooooo.  Maybe he'll prescribe unlimited naps!

Bet on me.

I feel better right this minute.  I think it was the two cobs of corn fresh picked today.  The best.  I was also shocked and delighted that all  his  the crap is removed from the top of my Victrola and there was the piano keyboard afghan my friend had crocheted for me.  I have been shaky and weird and either afraid of the puppy or I think more likely....I was "pretending?" I was afraid?  Like fooling myself....for attention?   There's been some talking though nothing special or intimate.  I doubt I will ever trust that he loves me.  I am a fool.  And you just watch me put my heart right back out there.  It's like the stove is hot and yet time and again I touch it just to see if it isn't cool now.  It appears the Village Idiot's wife is now the idiot herself.  Oh.  I see some of you women out there nodding your heads. 

On the medical front.....I had asked the doctor about needed a tetanus shot for the bite.  My daughter-an M.A. who almost finished nursing school and is now working as a Huc in the ER-and my neighbor who was an E.M.T. and now works as an M.A. at a doctor's office have said I need one if I haven't had one recently (8-10 years.)  I called my doctor and got the voice mail of his  M.A.  Left a brief message asking if I'd had a tetanus shot in the last 10 years and explained briefly what had happened.  She returned with a message that she had no record of me having had a tetanus shot and that if I wanted one or wanting to see the doctor, I could call the triage nurse and talk to her.  I did just to find out if I needed a shot.  Left a message and when she got back to me she said she'd ask the doctor and call me right back.  The first time she called.....she called my cell phone.  Apparently she called back on the house phone while I was out.  I was a bit peeved that she never called me back-on my cell-as she made it seem that I would be coming right in if I needed a shot.  So I listened to the message when I got home and here it was her leaving a message that I could come in for a shot if I wanted to.  Are you getting this?  I wasn't asking for a shot....geez.   I will either call and insist the doctor himself call me or I will ignore the whole thing.  After all.....I have bigger fish to fry.  I just got a doctor's order for BMP to check if my kidneys are OK-able to withstand the dye- so I can schedule a CT of my heart. 

I will go to church tomorrow.  There's a cry room which is for moms whose babies are crying in church.  I can go in there when I start crying.  There's a 89% chance I will.  PLACE YOUR BETS HERE!

The silver lining?  Yes indeed....there is one.  Hunter will be gone from Thursday thru the 11th of September!  Yes!!!!!

Another Land.

The weather has been totally gorgeous lately.  I have been too absorbed in another land to have noticed it.  How sad.  I have not been aware of or grateful for the beauty.  I ran out to my daughter's yesterday because I had Meadow's school schedule in my purse from when we went to orientation.  Jeremy goes back to work Sunday-gone for 6 weeks at a time-and Dawn goes back on Monday.  The kids start school the 22nd.  They have the hotel rented until like the 29th.  Can't be into their townhouse until Sept. 1st.  Need to figure out what to do for those 2 days.  Dawn has a really good friend-several in fact-who will let them stay there.  Then I can help them get the things they need for now out of storage.  Will use my rendezvous and their SUV or what ever.  Ya know....it was much easier when it was just...the car, the truck or the van.  We, opps...I mean Hunter has a nice truck but I know he won't let me use it.  Jeremy will be back the end of Sept. to rent a u-haul to move the rest of the stuff out of storage and into the townhouse.  After that.....hopefully things will be on more of a even keel. 

And on a happier note......I do believe Hunter is leaving the end of the month to go to his friends farm.  He will be gone over a week and will have Maggie with him.  I would have my nervous breakdown then but I have to wait until Dawn is all settled.  Hmmmm.  Maybe I will wait until later in Sept. or October or November.  Actually I was kinda hoping my heart would explode while I was right here with Chuck, preferably when he was yelling at me.  I have that ascending aortic aneurysm and while that heart wall isn't quite thin enough to do surgery on yet.....it could happen anyway.  It's a case of weighing the benefits of surgery now or later. 

The drive home from Dawn's is a bit over 45 minutes.  There is construction and because I am so worn out and it's dark and they're  all these lights and construction barrels.....well it has become kind of a crap-shoot as to whether or not I will make it home alive.  It's a bit like driving through a weird dream.  As far as I know, I won't be going back there until Thursday because they will all be gone and I will need to stay with their dog Simon.  They are concerned that he may howl and bark and then they'd get kicked out of the hotel.  Also.....just to make it more interesting....they did get Dawn's old car to the hotel by jumping it but now it won't start again.  I don't think it's the battery.  I believe they need a new starter.  I am worried that it could be an electrical problem which would really suck.
I do need your help though.  Does anyone know where I can buy more strength?  Can I get it at Walmart?  Or do I have to go get it on a corner in the dark streets of Chicago.?  Maybe I should eat something.  Coffee isn't doing it.  Sleep isn't enough.

It's evening now.  I wrote the above this  morning.  Or was it yesterday?  Went and saw my friend Susan.  Then I went to Goodwill and got 2 lampshades.and a pair of shoes.  What?  I went to Kohl's.  I haven't been there in a long time and the prices seemed so high!  Three sweaters, a bra, two bracelets and a ring.  There may have been other things.  Dawn texted that if I was at one of my stores-thrift-that she was looking for jeans for the kids for school.  All denim was 25% off today.  I called to see how late they were open and made it there with only 30 minutes to shop.  I just got everything I could find in the sizes she needed.  Got 25% off the denim, 5% off with my card and another 25% off with my birthday savings card that they send me every year.  I will take them when I go there Thursday and have them try them on.  What ever doesn't fit or they don't like can be taken back.  Then since it was right there, I stopped at Walgreens.  Spend.  And that seems to be my drug of choice.  Sad.  But at least I feel better for now.  Tomorrow is church and I am debating whether or not I want to go.  I know I will cry.  Perhaps I will go and stay in the cry room.  It's a room that you take your baby into if the baby is acting up.  And you can still hear the service.

Ok.  Will go to desktop computer so I can play my game.
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS ON LAST POST.  IT WARMS MY HEART.
Just found out that it was their battery so car is good!

Get Your Balls Off My Porch!

Hunter woke me up after I'd only had 6 hours of sleep.  "Come on.  Wake up and get going!"
Me.  "Where are we going?"
Hunter.  "Get up!  You have housework to do."
I obeyed like a pussy.  So I got up and without even sweeping and vacuuming the two small floors, I mopped them with one of those "pretend" mops where you put the wet thingie on it.  And while this is probably an excuse.....Why would I be inspired to do anything in those two rooms?  There is still no baseboards in either room and while the door is framed out and the door is in place, there is no moulding around it.  Yup!  "Step right up ladies and gentlemen!  See the naked lady standing at the sink!"  No charge as the bathroom is right off the kitchen. House is over 100 years old so yeah, that's how they did it back then.  Guess I should be glad I don't have to go out back to an outhouse.  I actually think I would prefer that.
 
I haven't even cleaned the porch this year.  I have chairs which I would like to replace as they are over 30 years old.  But to be fair, you can't find "real" chairs out there.  I would like some nice big real wood chairs.  I always put a picture on the porch right between the 2 windows.  And often put up sheers that gently sway in the breeze.  I put them only on the side where the sun hits.  It really is kind of sexy.  This year my "table" is a carved monkey holding a round base at the top.  If you like it.....fine.  Damn sure I didn't pick it out. Another one of the overpriced things Hunter purchased at the taxidermist's.  Yeah, from the guy who owes us $25,000.

Ahhhhh.  Title issue solved.  See, I was going to tell you about the fact that after our garage sale, Hunter's put his work-out balls on the porch along with the pump.  They have been out here rolling around for aver a month now.  First he said he was taking them to the club where he works out.  Well, he actually joined right before we left for vacation for a month and a half.  He purchased a 3 month membership.  Went about 3 times.  What?  No, it's ok.  This is usual for him.  Then--since that didn't happe- he said the neighbor ladies grand daughter was going to take them.  Didn't happen either.  I  just asked him-as he came out front to tell me he was going to a guys house and would be gone a half hour-what he was going to do with the balls.  Well first I asked if he wanted to take them to Gary's house and through them in the pond.  He responded that he was going to punch holes in them and throw them in the garbage.  Fine with me!

I have a load of laundry to hang on the line before I go to my therapist.  Had my permanent crown put on yesterday.  We went to church last night.  Bought another camera to replace the one I can't find the receipt for.  And I bought a damn warranty-which I don't believe in-because knowing me......
Anyway, it is good for an additional 2 years after the manufacturers one year warranty runs out.  BTW, I kept the old camera as the battery and chargers ore fine.  If I should happen to find the reciept before November, I can still return it.  Pray I find it.

Alarm on phone just went off which means my clothes are ready to be hung.
Have decided if Hunter starts the money thing with me again-that allowance crap and all-I will just tell him that I am not having this conversation again.  That we are married.  If he continues.....I will either walk away or tell him he is an idiot and that he needs to learn what being married is all about and then I will walk away.

Saying Goodbye.

Went to dinner with friends in Aurora, Illinois.  Then to a play their grand daughter was in.  I love plays so much.  I get totally caught up in them.  This one was "Foot Loose."  It was all I could do not to get up and dance. Really!

Will be going out to  see my son and his family tonight to take them to dinner.  They are leaving tomorrow to go back to Las Vegas.   Grandson Cain is going with them so that Jennifer doesn't have to drive the whole way by herself.  Cain recently got his license and I hope he does OK.  Please pray they have a safe trip home.  Cain will fly home.  I would like to go with them and help drive but I have several appts. and more so, my anxiety has reared it's ugly head for the last week or so.  I honestly can't say why.  My son and daughter have been on the outs for a few years now.  They talked for about 45 minutes yesterday regarding Cain's going to Vegas.  I am thrilled for that.  I have told them many times that at some point they will have only each other although they will always have their spouses and kids.  John and Jennifer will be taking Cain to church with them Saturday night.  They really want my daughter's family to embrace Christ.  Pray that they do.  It  doesn't take away problems but it will help them deal with them.  They will know to lay their burdens at the foot of the cross.  And more importantly...they will get to spend eternity in Heaven. 

Not much has been going on here with me.  I hate that I am always so tired.  I hate that I feel I don't have the energy to do the things I want and need to do around the house.  It is often just a matter of getting off my lazy ass to begin and more often that not, I start getting a kind of momentum.  Then I keep going.

Heat.  Don't want to eat. When I do, the food doesn't stay with me very long.  Can't weigh myself cuz Hunter threw the scale out.  I wish we still had it.  It weighs us at 30#s less than we really are.  Then I can pretend that is my true weight.  Oh...I do alot of pretending.  Facing reality is a bit too difficult at times.

Hunter took Maggie to the farm with him this morning.  I tried to talk him out of it.  When he got home....he let her out of the car to pee and she didn't.  Then the little fucke puppy instantly peed in the house. 

High of 100 degrees again.  I am sure they will cancel Meadow's ball game.  Is heat really different in dry climates?  People say it is and I tend to believe them.  I'll find out when I visit Vegas this coming June.

Wishing you all peace.



Hope you are all well and able to escape the heat.

Should have posted this last night.

I was over it last night.  Sitting 30 minutes at a dead stand still on the tollway gave me time to think.  Then to see the cause of the delay,.....a 2 car accident in which one car burned and the other was rolled over into oblivion kinda puts things into perspective.  I was sure no one could survive but I checked on line and saw that one person was air-lifted to the hospital where my daughter works (serious burns).  And four other people were taken by ambulance to area hospitals, none of their injuries were determined to be life threatening.  Prayers do work.

It is finally not in the 100's or even in the 90's today. Notice I did not say cooler because 80 degrees is still too warm for me.  There is a 15 MPH breeze.  Still too warm/humid to open up and turn off the air conditioner.  We did open up last night though. Will probably open up tonight too because it is s'pose to be in the 60's.  That alone is cause for celebration!

Josh's party was really fun!  Dawn's kids canceled at the last minute.  Remember the bad blood between her and her brother's wife.  Everyone was pissed including me.  But later I texted my daughter and they went to her husband's sister's to celebrate the 4th of July which they had cancelled due to the excessive heat.  And a good part of this is due to lack of communication on the part of my daughter, my son and their dad.  Especially my daughter and my ex.  Odd considering that I communicate honestly, openly and directly.  Not my problem, (thanks Mary/my therapist.)  The kids were on the slip and slide when I got there.  Then they came in and we ate - Jennifer's awesome chili - because that's what  Josh wanted.  They went outside where an extremely creative obstacle course was set up and the kids were timed.  John and Jenn come up with the most amazing things for the kids to do!  They play Iron Chef and that Minute to Win It show.  My husband did ask me why I was mad as I left yesterday saying he can't read my mind.  This is a true expectation that women have of their men.  It's like, "They should just know!"  It is a miracle that he even asked that. My bad that I was too mad to even tell him.  I am not excusing his behavior that I wrote about last night.  I am just saying........  He also called telling me not to take the toll road home as they were still investigating the accident scene.  And he told me to drive safe.  See how easy it is to please me?  I am not a difficult or demanding person.

We went to church this morning though we almost didn''t because his breathing was bad.  He gets this clumps of phlegm in his throat that he can't get out.  He did call his son and cancel.  Best for all concerned.  Hunter feeling sick and Matt and family flying out tonight.

So....tomorrow is the dentist which isn't really bad.  I often just want to go to sleep with him in the chair.  And I feel so good once I am done.  Then psych for a med check then will call my friend -who is visiting from Arizona - to have her and her husband come out to visit.

Nothing new and perhaps boring for readers but it is my diary and......that's how I roll!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSHUA!

I feel like I am in a dream.

There's no way it can be this hot for this long.  I don't live in that place.  I want snow!!!!  It's been too busy also.  I don't see a reprieve until Thursday but WAIT!  I can't wait for Thursday!  We are heading over to Iowa to see and probably get a Black Lab!  And they also have small labs?  Like not miniatures but.....I think they are half sized?  I know what I mean but I can't explain it.  I WANT ONE!  Will name it pixie or dixie or I don't even care.  I am excited.  Beyond excited!

Today I had my hair "striped".  Looks blond enough for Hunter to go, "Whoaaaa!"  What?  Noooo.  I didn't get it done because I will be seeing my ex tomorrow.  We are going to his house where my grandson will be having his birthday party. 

Sunday is church and then dinner with Matt, Deb and the grand kids.

Monday I have dentist appt. for a broken tooth.  Ya know, I go to the dentist ever 6 months.  Why does this even happen?  Then I see the psych. for a med check.  I am going to have her cut back on one at a time.  Ever since I have been on the thyroid meds my depression is gone!!!!  I am always afraid to say that - like it's a jinx or something.

Tuesday is dinner at my friends house with other friends.
Wed is......NO. WAIT!  Wednesday is the day we will go to Iowa unless we go to Meadows ballgame.  Hmmmm.  She has more games coming up so....I choose the dog!

I wish it would rain money.

Instead, it is raining bullshit.  Can you imagine what that's doing to my umbrella?  "What?"  Oh.  Of course I go barefoot.  I wouldn't dare wreck any of my shoes!  I may be messed up but I am not stupid.  On the way to church this morning I started talking about getting all the kids together for a group picture of all the grandkids.  Talking.  Hunter had said he would pay for my son and daughter's kids to come with us wherever we end up meeting Matt and Deb while they are here.  He told me the last e-mail from them was totally wrong and that he'd talk to Matt.  Then he's telling me to call Deb.  I said ok, where are we meeting up with them?  Told me to call Deb and TELL her where to be.  I don't TELL anyone anything.  We talk and come up with an agreement.  Then he's saying he won't pay for my son and daughter's kids to come to the Dells or to dinner with us.  "Their parents can pay!!!"  Um,....no.  #1 - John and Jenn are on disability.  #2 - Dawn and Jer are losing their house.  He said he didn't want to have this argument because he had to get to church because he had to fill in as an usher-which he's done a million times before.  I thought we were having a discussion.  Hm.  So I dropped it.  Did I mention we were going to church?    Church.  Where I go to worship God.  Where he goes because he is supposed to.  Now I can't speak to his relationship with God.  But seriously?  So when we got to church it was very early so  I sat in the car and texted Deb and told her everything.  After church he brought it up and I told him I had talked to Deb so now he can call Matt and figure out where we would meet them at.
When we got back from church he went upstairs and I came in with am armful of stuff and promptly tripped on something and fell knocking off pans and all kinds of things.  As I assessed myself, I put down what was still left in my hands and slowly got up to be sure I was ok.  As I was slowly getting up Hunter came down and after a bit asked if I was ok.  I told him I was fine.  My knee promptly got a huge knot on it.  On the plus side......it was by bad knee so yay!  I still have a good knee!!!!  I made eggs, venison/pork or goose shit sausage that he'd make and toast.  In between cooking, I iced my knee.  He never even said a word.  Yes you men out there....I did tell him I was fine and yes I know you you all can't read our minds but a caring intelligent guy would have noticed and said something.

So I did my escapism thing of going to sleep.  I was actually falling asleep anyway so I thought might as well sleep in a cozy bed, right?  He was already feeling remorse as far as is possible for him.  I slept 3-9pm.  In the mean time I guess he called Matt and while he wouldn't tell me what they agreed on, he waid I was to call Deb.  I told him I already did before church.  He said he told Matt that he'd have me call up Deb to see when we could get together for a picture of all the grandkids. ARGGGG!!!!  We have come full circle and are back to where we started.  I called Deb and we talked a long time and decided we would plan that dinner at Dave and Buster's and take it from there.  So.....I guess if I make enough money at the garage sale, to pay Hunter back for the cigs I charged as he will chop my head off when he gets the bill and also enough to last me 'till I get my next $28 a week allowance for the first week in July and assuming I have enough money left over after going to the flea market with my son and DIL and their kids.....(We BOTH love going there!!!!)  Then if I can get my kids together and if Jenn's van will fit 3 adults and 5 kids, this may come to fruition.  Here's the thing.  This is very simple and it the only thing I have really, really wanted.  And look at what a mess this has become because of Hunter and his ever changing mind.  Fuck him.  Yeah, we did go to church this morning but since God already heard me think this....he can't mind me saying it aloud to you.

Sorry this is just another WTF post.  But it helps me get it out.  I will also not count on him to help with the garage sale.  He is not consistent nor is he trust worthy nor does he keep promises.

Why do I stay?  Because it has yet to rain money.  There may come a time when I would rather be homeless and stand by a barrel of fire to keep warm and eat out of dumpsters.  Hey, it's got to be better than eating the weird shit he concocts, right?

BTW, I am NOT going to Aaron's to make exploding homemade rootbeer that tastes like shit. I will let Hunter go alone and have some "bonding" time with Aaron for Father's day.  I will stay here and mow and work on the garage sale stuff with out him questioning everything I do and since he will be gone......I will be able to use not only my kitchen, but also my washing machine!  YAY!