The magic of cigarettes.

I haven't had one since before dinner yesterday.  It's almost noon.  I am out of smokes because of the "allowance" thing.  I sit here thinking which jewelry I can turn into cash to buy more cigs.  Here's the thing.....-and I am not assigning blame-...but why of all times does Hunter have to pick now to be an utter fuckhead?  Is it because it's hot?  I'm hot too!  Is it because of puppy care?  I do this too.  And then my head goes back to other things.  Like how he says I don't know how to drive.  This must be recent.  How I don't cook for him....yet everything I take out to make...even if I tell him and he says ok, he ends up changing it to something else.  Yes,....he grills it but all I am saying is...don't tell me I don't cook.  He is insistent that I fill that little 'moat' on the top of the hummingbird feeder with water.  Got on me about it again.  "I told you to do it yesterday.'  So I got up and did it.  BTW, he had just come out on the front porch with a cup of coffee and I thought he was going to sit and talk with me.  I was on-line looking at a dog sight and had begun to tell him a cool thing I read and that is when he interrupts me about this fucking water thing. 
Enter Sarcasm...."Gee, I'll get right on that even though I haven't seen any ants in there."
And Sarcasm plus passive/aggressiveness are my super powers.  I seem to have a problem being direct.  And Hunter is unable to have an adult conversation with me.  My only option would have been to respond with a simple "Ok, I will."  Or....(false stupidity thus making a man feel smart) saying....."What is the water for?"  His answer will take a very circuitous route to come to an incorrect conclusion or if I had asked if it is for such and such......he will immediately say no and then go into this whole thing that has nothing to do with anything winding up saying the very same thing I had said in the beginning.

I do not think I am smarter than anyone.  But.......I can admit it.  If I am wrong,....Please correct me.  I want to know.  I want to learn. I want to be better.  I want a fucking cigarette so I don't kill this poor man who struggles to breath and is afraid of his mortality. 

I already feel physically better.  Truly.  It isn't in my head. I don't want to smoke. I think keeping my distance from Hunter is key.  We are two peas in a pod but whereas I grow in the garden......his 'pod' was beamed down from an alien space ship.

Should have posted this last night.

I was over it last night.  Sitting 30 minutes at a dead stand still on the tollway gave me time to think.  Then to see the cause of the delay,.....a 2 car accident in which one car burned and the other was rolled over into oblivion kinda puts things into perspective.  I was sure no one could survive but I checked on line and saw that one person was air-lifted to the hospital where my daughter works (serious burns).  And four other people were taken by ambulance to area hospitals, none of their injuries were determined to be life threatening.  Prayers do work.

It is finally not in the 100's or even in the 90's today. Notice I did not say cooler because 80 degrees is still too warm for me.  There is a 15 MPH breeze.  Still too warm/humid to open up and turn off the air conditioner.  We did open up last night though. Will probably open up tonight too because it is s'pose to be in the 60's.  That alone is cause for celebration!

Josh's party was really fun!  Dawn's kids canceled at the last minute.  Remember the bad blood between her and her brother's wife.  Everyone was pissed including me.  But later I texted my daughter and they went to her husband's sister's to celebrate the 4th of July which they had cancelled due to the excessive heat.  And a good part of this is due to lack of communication on the part of my daughter, my son and their dad.  Especially my daughter and my ex.  Odd considering that I communicate honestly, openly and directly.  Not my problem, (thanks Mary/my therapist.)  The kids were on the slip and slide when I got there.  Then they came in and we ate - Jennifer's awesome chili - because that's what  Josh wanted.  They went outside where an extremely creative obstacle course was set up and the kids were timed.  John and Jenn come up with the most amazing things for the kids to do!  They play Iron Chef and that Minute to Win It show.  My husband did ask me why I was mad as I left yesterday saying he can't read my mind.  This is a true expectation that women have of their men.  It's like, "They should just know!"  It is a miracle that he even asked that. My bad that I was too mad to even tell him.  I am not excusing his behavior that I wrote about last night.  I am just saying........  He also called telling me not to take the toll road home as they were still investigating the accident scene.  And he told me to drive safe.  See how easy it is to please me?  I am not a difficult or demanding person.

We went to church this morning though we almost didn''t because his breathing was bad.  He gets this clumps of phlegm in his throat that he can't get out.  He did call his son and cancel.  Best for all concerned.  Hunter feeling sick and Matt and family flying out tonight.

So....tomorrow is the dentist which isn't really bad.  I often just want to go to sleep with him in the chair.  And I feel so good once I am done.  Then psych for a med check then will call my friend -who is visiting from Arizona - to have her and her husband come out to visit.

Nothing new and perhaps boring for readers but it is my diary and......that's how I roll!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSHUA!