I haven't had one since before dinner yesterday. It's almost noon. I am out of smokes because of the "allowance" thing. I sit here thinking which jewelry I can turn into cash to buy more cigs. Here's the thing.....-and I am not assigning blame-...but why of all times does Hunter have to pick now to be an utter fuckhead? Is it because it's hot? I'm hot too! Is it because of puppy care? I do this too. And then my head goes back to other things. Like how he says I don't know how to drive. This must be recent. How I don't cook for him....yet everything I take out to make...even if I tell him and he says ok, he ends up changing it to something else. Yes,....he grills it but all I am saying is...don't tell me I don't cook. He is insistent that I fill that little 'moat' on the top of the hummingbird feeder with water. Got on me about it again. "I told you to do it yesterday.' So I got up and did it. BTW, he had just come out on the front porch with a cup of coffee and I thought he was going to sit and talk with me. I was on-line looking at a dog sight and had begun to tell him a cool thing I read and that is when he interrupts me about this fucking water thing.
Enter Sarcasm...."Gee, I'll get right on that even though I haven't seen any ants in there."
And Sarcasm plus passive/aggressiveness are my super powers. I seem to have a problem being direct. And Hunter is unable to have an adult conversation with me. My only option would have been to respond with a simple "Ok, I will." Or....(false stupidity thus making a man feel smart) saying....."What is the water for?" His answer will take a very circuitous route to come to an incorrect conclusion or if I had asked if it is for such and such......he will immediately say no and then go into this whole thing that has nothing to do with anything winding up saying the very same thing I had said in the beginning.
I do not think I am smarter than anyone. But.......I can admit it. If I am wrong,....Please correct me. I want to know. I want to learn. I want to be better. I want a fucking cigarette so I don't kill this poor man who struggles to breath and is afraid of his mortality.
I already feel physically better. Truly. It isn't in my head. I don't want to smoke. I think keeping my distance from Hunter is key. We are two peas in a pod but whereas I grow in the garden......his 'pod' was beamed down from an alien space ship.