My depression naps don't seem to be working.

I have started back on the escape/depression naps again.  They really don't work.  It's as though I am in that place between sleep and awake. 
I left Hunter a note last night before I went to bed saying that I probably wasn't going to church the next day-today-and not to wake me.  He had mentioned stopping for a few groceries after church so I wrote down a couple things I needed, to make dinner this evening.  I had alot of left over canned tomatoes from the other day that I wanted to use up.  I only wanted one# of burger.  He brought back 1 and a half, saying he knew a pound wouldn't be enough for him.  I'm sorry. When did I tell him what I was making?  Now for those who follow me regularly....I have given this as one example of why I am sick of cooking.  He also mentioned that there was a pkg. of frozen crab.  The fake kind which I happen to love. So the "suggestion" was made that I "could" make crab salad.  And so.....that's what I made.  Yum-O by the way.  Right before I begin to cook, he grabs a plate and loads it with snacks like crackers and cheese and eats while I am getting dinner ready.  Then in the middle of my cooking he gets in the way to make Maggie's dinner.  Mind you....she is a dog and it isn't even just a matter of putting dry food in her dish.  Oh no.  Mix in this and that and heat this and....done.  So Maggie is underfoot as I cook because her dish is in the small cooking area of my kitchen.  Anyway, I get done with dinner and he is asleep at the table.  He's one of those guys who falls asleep as soon as he sits down.

While Hunter was out this morning I was able to do a few things without his interfering or getting in the way.  I started a load of laundry to hang outside.(which I will no longer do until spring as it doesn't seem to dry despite the sun and temps and breeze.)  I spray painted a plaque I had bought as a kind of memorial to my dad.  I also got the front porch painted and finished just as he got home.  Too late! Was just picking up the stuff to take it in and clean it and he says, "Are you going to paint the steps too?"  These are the steps I have wanted to paint for over two years now and he kept saying no because he was going to turn them over and plane them.  Just ug. 

Then I tell him that my son just had Tebow fixed.  He asks me why.  What was wrong.
I said, "Well....she's a girl and she could get pregnant."
Then he starts telling me about Luna getting fixed a couple of weeks ago.  Um....Luna?  She is one of his friends from the farm.  I give a shit about this why?

And so it goes.  I have decided once again to try to find my joy and when I do, I won't let anyone steal it.  It's sad that no one seems to share the joy but I will be joyful anyway.

I stay because of the money issue.  And....ya can't always choose who you love.  Guess I do a crappy job at that huh?

Ohhhhh, I really wanted to slap that look right off her face!

Sadly, I am talking about my 12 year old grand daughter.  I went to my Daughter's yesterday because they just received notice that they are being evicted in 2 weeks.  Her husband works 6 weeks at a time in which ever state they send him.  He won't be home until a day or so after the eviction.  He asked for permission to go home and help with all this.  He is waiting for am answer.  They have $$ now but when you haven't paid your mortgage in 4 years......yeah, not good.  At least they are all caught up on their utilities.   And all my advice has fallen on deaf ears so I just went over there to go to the library to use the computers there to look for places to rent.  Ended up being a productive day although I can't get her to change her spending or how she mother's her children..  At least make them meals. Plan ahead, etc.  They have a fridge and 2 freezers full of food.

The thing with Meadow?  Yes, all Dawn's kids are and have been under so much stress.  But Meadow?  She gets this extremely haughty face on her and ignores her mom and now me also!  We dropped her off at the batting cages and Dawn arranged for the coach to bring her home.  Meadow was livid.  The coach's wife was there and Dawn usually keeps these things private but some how started talking to the coach's wife.  Turns out she has a friend that is renting out a 3 bedroom house.  Hopefully things will work out.  One way or another they always do.  Anyway, we could not bring her home because we had to pick up Cain at the airport.  Meadow acts like we should have stayed and/or picked her up from batting practice.  Really? And leave Cain at the airport?
After we got home, Meadow was being all nice and everything.  I can't flip the switch that soon.  The disrespect was too blatant. For her to have acted like she did and to also push me away when I tried to hug her?  Oh No.  That doesn't fly with me.

I have raised both a son and a daughter and yes, boys are so much easier.  My kids weren't perfect.  Far from it.  But I would categorize them as typical teens.  I honestly wanted to smack that look right off Meadow's face.  I have never, EVER hit a kid, mine included.  But boy.......you have no idea.

Well, I will close asI have to help Hunter put up a pair of mini-blinds.  Yeah, I know.  But I will help him anyway.  In the mean time,....enjoy the 100 degree temps today.  I know I will!

The magic of cigarettes.

I haven't had one since before dinner yesterday.  It's almost noon.  I am out of smokes because of the "allowance" thing.  I sit here thinking which jewelry I can turn into cash to buy more cigs.  Here's the thing.....-and I am not assigning blame-...but why of all times does Hunter have to pick now to be an utter fuckhead?  Is it because it's hot?  I'm hot too!  Is it because of puppy care?  I do this too.  And then my head goes back to other things.  Like how he says I don't know how to drive.  This must be recent.  How I don't cook for him....yet everything I take out to make...even if I tell him and he says ok, he ends up changing it to something else.  Yes,....he grills it but all I am saying is...don't tell me I don't cook.  He is insistent that I fill that little 'moat' on the top of the hummingbird feeder with water.  Got on me about it again.  "I told you to do it yesterday.'  So I got up and did it.  BTW, he had just come out on the front porch with a cup of coffee and I thought he was going to sit and talk with me.  I was on-line looking at a dog sight and had begun to tell him a cool thing I read and that is when he interrupts me about this fucking water thing. 
Enter Sarcasm...."Gee, I'll get right on that even though I haven't seen any ants in there."
And Sarcasm plus passive/aggressiveness are my super powers.  I seem to have a problem being direct.  And Hunter is unable to have an adult conversation with me.  My only option would have been to respond with a simple "Ok, I will."  Or....(false stupidity thus making a man feel smart) saying....."What is the water for?"  His answer will take a very circuitous route to come to an incorrect conclusion or if I had asked if it is for such and such......he will immediately say no and then go into this whole thing that has nothing to do with anything winding up saying the very same thing I had said in the beginning.

I do not think I am smarter than anyone.  But.......I can admit it.  If I am wrong,....Please correct me.  I want to know.  I want to learn. I want to be better.  I want a fucking cigarette so I don't kill this poor man who struggles to breath and is afraid of his mortality. 

I already feel physically better.  Truly.  It isn't in my head. I don't want to smoke. I think keeping my distance from Hunter is key.  We are two peas in a pod but whereas I grow in the garden......his 'pod' was beamed down from an alien space ship.