Sunday, October 21, 2012

My depression naps don't seem to be working.

I have started back on the escape/depression naps again.  They really don't work.  It's as though I am in that place between sleep and awake. 
I left Hunter a note last night before I went to bed saying that I probably wasn't going to church the next day-today-and not to wake me.  He had mentioned stopping for a few groceries after church so I wrote down a couple things I needed, to make dinner this evening.  I had alot of left over canned tomatoes from the other day that I wanted to use up.  I only wanted one# of burger.  He brought back 1 and a half, saying he knew a pound wouldn't be enough for him.  I'm sorry. When did I tell him what I was making?  Now for those who follow me regularly....I have given this as one example of why I am sick of cooking.  He also mentioned that there was a pkg. of frozen crab.  The fake kind which I happen to love. So the "suggestion" was made that I "could" make crab salad.  And so.....that's what I made.  Yum-O by the way.  Right before I begin to cook, he grabs a plate and loads it with snacks like crackers and cheese and eats while I am getting dinner ready.  Then in the middle of my cooking he gets in the way to make Maggie's dinner.  Mind you....she is a dog and it isn't even just a matter of putting dry food in her dish.  Oh no.  Mix in this and that and heat this and....done.  So Maggie is underfoot as I cook because her dish is in the small cooking area of my kitchen.  Anyway, I get done with dinner and he is asleep at the table.  He's one of those guys who falls asleep as soon as he sits down.

While Hunter was out this morning I was able to do a few things without his interfering or getting in the way.  I started a load of laundry to hang outside.(which I will no longer do until spring as it doesn't seem to dry despite the sun and temps and breeze.)  I spray painted a plaque I had bought as a kind of memorial to my dad.  I also got the front porch painted and finished just as he got home.  Too late! Was just picking up the stuff to take it in and clean it and he says, "Are you going to paint the steps too?"  These are the steps I have wanted to paint for over two years now and he kept saying no because he was going to turn them over and plane them.  Just ug. 

Then I tell him that my son just had Tebow fixed.  He asks me why.  What was wrong.
I said, "Well....she's a girl and she could get pregnant."
Then he starts telling me about Luna getting fixed a couple of weeks ago.  Um....Luna?  She is one of his friends from the farm.  I give a shit about this why?

And so it goes.  I have decided once again to try to find my joy and when I do, I won't let anyone steal it.  It's sad that no one seems to share the joy but I will be joyful anyway.

I stay because of the money issue.  And....ya can't always choose who you love.  Guess I do a crappy job at that huh?


klahanie said...

My dear friend,

I know of those naps you speak of. And when sleep is the only freedom that you know, doesn't even work, what do you do?

Yes, it's a battle, a struggle and I know about waking up and realising that nothing has changed. Okay, I'm telling you that a lot of my life is crap. I do struggle with low self-esteem and those who have had the audacity to devalue my humanity.

Yet, despite the battle, I do my utmost to avoid those escapism naps that are of no value. I try to keep awake and do positive things for me, that make me feel good about myself. And that aint selfish, that's survival.

You have the right to be happy. I know your choices are tough. However, this is about YOU and your life. For what it's worth, I and I know others who are in admiration of your candid verbalisation you share, do indeed, share your desire to have joy in your life. Give yourself permission to be joyous and maintain that positive focus. Darn it, you're worth it!

With kind wishes and hope, your way, Gary

Snowbrush said...

Are you really sleepy when you try to nap, or do you simply want to escape your life for awhile? What with my chronic pain, sleep is often impossible for me for more than an hour at a time, if that, and this has made me enjoy sleeping so damn much that when I can sleep, I feel like I'm in a state of luxury.

"I stay because of the money issue. And....ya can't always choose who you love."

I can see how money might keep you with Hunter, but it didn't occur to me that you still lovde for him, and I'm confused about whether you meant that you love him now or just in the past.

All That Glitters said...

Hey stranger!

Thanks for liking my tree! I'm a bit of a Halloween junkie! There's a ton more I wanted to do this year but I let my damn depression get the best of me. ugh!!!!

Depression naps....I guess I take those. I like to sleep a lot. Mainly in the day.

Take care and please know you are not alone in more ways than one.

Happy Halloween!

Rob-bear said...

Don't think for a moment that there's nobody to share your joy. There are a whole hockey sock full of us out here. (Sorry; that's a Canadianism with which you may not familiar. I can explain if I must.)

I sleep a lot too, when I get depressed. Contrary to "popular" thinking, depression doesn't just mess with your mind. It messes with your body, too. Hence the sleepiness. Please protect your body, and the rest of you, too.

Or better still, pretend you're a Bear, and go into semi-hibernation. We Bears are not true hibernators; if it's a nice day outside, we're likely to go have some fun. It is a lifestyle I recommend.

Kristy said...

I wish I could give you hugs. Depression stinks and be easy on yourself. I wish you could do one kind thing for yourself.

Outcast said...

Please don't be too hard on yourself Middle Child. You're trying your hardest and I'm sure that things are going to improve in time. It's obvious that you're a little depressed because of how minor things can seem like big things in the same way they can with me but we just have to keep soldiering on really. I found that napping never did me any good but if it does work for you generally then it's worth continuing to try.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

My sister, those naps are your bodies way of survival. Been there, done that, I KNOW!

bj said...

Just thinking of you tonight and to remind you to ....just breath...:)
Love, bj
O and will you send me your address..I saw a card I think you'll like. :))

Just Be Real said...

Dear one so very sorry for your struggle. I know those naps too well too. Even recent. Safe gentle hugs to you.