Saturday, August 25, 2012

Bet on me.

I feel better right this minute.  I think it was the two cobs of corn fresh picked today.  The best.  I was also shocked and delighted that all  his  the crap is removed from the top of my Victrola and there was the piano keyboard afghan my friend had crocheted for me.  I have been shaky and weird and either afraid of the puppy or I think more likely....I was "pretending?" I was afraid?  Like fooling myself....for attention?   There's been some talking though nothing special or intimate.  I doubt I will ever trust that he loves me.  I am a fool.  And you just watch me put my heart right back out there.  It's like the stove is hot and yet time and again I touch it just to see if it isn't cool now.  It appears the Village Idiot's wife is now the idiot herself.  Oh.  I see some of you women out there nodding your heads. 

On the medical front.....I had asked the doctor about needed a tetanus shot for the bite.  My daughter-an M.A. who almost finished nursing school and is now working as a Huc in the ER-and my neighbor who was an E.M.T. and now works as an M.A. at a doctor's office have said I need one if I haven't had one recently (8-10 years.)  I called my doctor and got the voice mail of his  M.A.  Left a brief message asking if I'd had a tetanus shot in the last 10 years and explained briefly what had happened.  She returned with a message that she had no record of me having had a tetanus shot and that if I wanted one or wanting to see the doctor, I could call the triage nurse and talk to her.  I did just to find out if I needed a shot.  Left a message and when she got back to me she said she'd ask the doctor and call me right back.  The first time she called.....she called my cell phone.  Apparently she called back on the house phone while I was out.  I was a bit peeved that she never called me back-on my cell-as she made it seem that I would be coming right in if I needed a shot.  So I listened to the message when I got home and here it was her leaving a message that I could come in for a shot if I wanted to.  Are you getting this?  I wasn't asking for a shot....geez.   I will either call and insist the doctor himself call me or I will ignore the whole thing.  After all.....I have bigger fish to fry.  I just got a doctor's order for BMP to check if my kidneys are OK-able to withstand the dye- so I can schedule a CT of my heart. 

I will go to church tomorrow.  There's a cry room which is for moms whose babies are crying in church.  I can go in there when I start crying.  There's a 89% chance I will.  PLACE YOUR BETS HERE!

The silver lining?  Yes indeed....there is one.  Hunter will be gone from Thursday thru the 11th of September!  Yes!!!!!


lotta joy said...

I've been in the background, reading but not commenting. I am watching you as you complete your downward spiral. What is it going to take before you hit bottom and DO SOMETHING. Do what? It doesn't matter what! You are feeling victimized even where the dog is concerned. Victims don't DO anything but get DONE by everything.

There is some sort of self-validating success in being victimized. I know. I'm not being MEAN. I've lived it.

THE DAY I realized I had been a VICTIM was the day I STOPPED allowing it.

It was comfortable (in a way) knowing it wasn't because of anything I had done to 'deserve' it, but rather, things others were doing TO me.

There comes a time when you realize that YOU are teaching them HOW to treat you.

If you ever get to the point where YOU take responsibility (baby steps) for something, anything, in your daily life, you will start feeling empowered instead of overpowered.

People will have an opinion of you no matter if you take it, or reject it. Right now, you can go to church and cry, and be commiserated over and the object of attention. But it's not the right attention you need to get your self in gear and take charge of something, anything, but TAKE CHARGE.

You can't threaten "I'm not going to take this anymore" without a backup plan.

Make a plan. Follow the plan. If it's the wrong plan, regroup and make another one. But MOVE FORWARD.

Nikki (Sarah) said...

fresh corn on the cob...that's heaven to me...I read your post...and just want to tell you....I'm here listening...take gentle care okay...

The Reckmonster said...

You know, when the timing is right, you will do what is right for you. You can't force it - or else it won't "stick." It took me years to finally take that final step with my ex-husband (not for lack of everyone around me telling me that I needed to) - but I did it when it was right for me. There will be a moment that the straw breaks the camel's back - and only you will know it. In the meantime, just know you have plenty of folks in your corner rooting for you! Keep on hanging in there, mamasita!

Rob-bear said...

Bear's opinion — get the tetanus shot. I bashed myself up a few years ago and was advised, by doctor, to get the shot, because I hadn't had one for a long time (as in more than 10 years).

Corn on the cob is good. Better than corn on the radio, or tv.

Hunter and dog gone? Gonna be soooo quiet. This is good, too!

Blessings and Bear hugs.

Kelly said...

I do hope you get that tetanus shot and I deeply believe there is no shame in crying. I accidentally hurt my kitten and lay on the floor, bawling and praying to my deceased mother and God that I didn't break her leg. Thankfully, she got up and I suddenly felt her snuggling beside my arm.

It seemed my prayers were answered. In prayer, there is hope. In crying, there is relief.

Take care, Middle Child. P.S. I loved corn on the cob, too. :)