Friday, August 24, 2012

Colorless Spiral

Going down further everyday.  When I saw Hunter pick up the scissors to put them away, I had a quick wish that he would jab them fully into the middle of my back.  Seriously.  Who would think like that?  I was at Dawn's hotel all day to let the dog out as all of them would be gone.  Sadly, I was happy to go pick-up Nate cuz he wasn't feeling well.  He is the coolest kid.  He did seem to have a fever which broke after I gave him some Tylenol.  He is in High School now and he only went the first day.  As I said, yesterday I brought him home and now today Dawn said the school nurse called her to come get him.  He is having some stomach flu symptoms but part of it could be the fact that he is now in a new school.  That doesn't seem like him though.  He is also a middlechild and rolls with the punches, trying to put people/emotional fires out like I do.

I think that when I die they won't even remember what I look like or how I sounded and the funny things I used to say.  They are busy with different things that consist primarily of ear buds in their ears.  And I've always been the "fun" grandma.  To be sure...I am not one of those, "In my day..." kind or person.  I get the kool-aid colored hair.  I get the tattoos and the piercings though many of them just look gross to me.  I get the way teens dress except for the pants on the ground thing.  Really, why would a guy want to look like they a wearing a diaper so full of pee that it needs changing immediately?

But even our kids who are in their 30's and 40's are consumed with the phones that do everything except make your food.  And I am sure that's coming soon.  I get technology.  I see the benefits.  I just miss people.  Yet, I don't like people.  They are mean.  I realize that I feel that way because I take things personally and that is wrong. 

So back to my downward spiral.  My husband acts as though everything is OK.  I know it isn't.  I also know he's pulling shit with our his money.  I am married yet I am very much alone.  I want him to leave. "and his little dog too"  Two days ago the little bitch bit me bad.  I was taking her for a walk and leaned down once again to untangle the leash from her feet and she jumped up and slashed the inside of my upper arm right above the elbow.  I walked her home immediately, just letting the blood drip down my arm.  I was crying and shaking like crazy.  Got home and "risked my life " by taking her leash off the yelled at her with my crying, shaky voice, to get in her kennel. I went into the bathroom and tried to get the bleeding to stop.  Um, can I just way right here and now that I am not a baby about this kind of stuff.  I told Hunter to just go to work after a horrible night of dealing with a Gallbladder attack.  Then I drove myself to the hospital where I had to have emergency surgery.  Anyway....the wound was such that I couldn't get it treated and taped up.  So I just jammed a towel into the crook of my arm and bent it.  I sat on the front porch waiting for Nancy to come home and help me.  She did.  I was crying and.....really, what's this crying shit all about.  I am getting worse and worse.  I was never a crier.  Hunter was gone at the time but I wouldn't have told him or let him help me anyway.  Somehow it would have become my fault and I just can't take anymore shit.


Red Shoes said...

Bless your heart...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you... :o(



Choleesa said...

I am sorry.

Your position sucks.

I understand about the his money thing.
My husband and I have two separate bank accounts.... I have mine with his name on it, which he has access to, and he has his, with only his name on it, that I cannot see or touch...asshole.

Kristy said...

Hang in there! Life can really be unfair at times but you are a fighter. Be good to yourself as only you can be good to yourself as it seems the people in your life can suck. I can relate.

Susan said...

Hi Middle Child...You've had a rough go for a spell.

Time to do something good for YOU, as Kristy said.

I'm so sorry about that dog biting you. Ohhhhh, I would have cried, too. I think I would have put him in the kennel, leash and all.

You know what? THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS.

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and commenting. I appreciate your visits.

Take GOOD care of YOU. Be gentle with yourself. Susan

Red Shoes said...

Just looped back through to check on you. Are things better??


Anonymous said...

I don't have any words of wisdom but your life sounds so much like mine. You just tell it better than I do :) I can totally relate to the scissors in the back. A vicious dog is not something I'd ever want to live with either!

The Bipolar Diva said...

I think we should run away to somewhere fun, with alcohol, and no one to bug us and no dogs.

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...


I'm so sorry you have to deal with everything that's going on, but I just know your grandchildren and children will remember you fondly!

As for the dog...I wonder, if the bite was recorded at the hospital and reported as a vicious dog bite? Might mean she has one more strike and she's out even though she belongs to Hunter?

I hope you're healing well and resting up. Stay strong!

Kelly said...

I really wish I could say something to comfort you... to somehow help you find the strength within yourself to get through these struggles. I won't say anything bad about your husband or give gentle advice in that department because I believe I did that with another blogger and her husband and even though she divorced him in the end, she no longer corresponds with me in any way. I was just trying to comfort her, really.

I do hope that your children and yourself find happiness and stability someday. I don't know if you believe in therapy of any kind, but it certainly helped me with my guilt and grief after my mother passed away.

Please, take care, Middle Child. and thank you for the current comment you made on my blog post. I found it to be very positive and supportive.

You can email me or friend me on facebook, if you wish to talk more, in detail, about your problems. but I don't want you to think I'm prying in any way.