Colorless Spiral

Going down further everyday.  When I saw Hunter pick up the scissors to put them away, I had a quick wish that he would jab them fully into the middle of my back.  Seriously.  Who would think like that?  I was at Dawn's hotel all day to let the dog out as all of them would be gone.  Sadly, I was happy to go pick-up Nate cuz he wasn't feeling well.  He is the coolest kid.  He did seem to have a fever which broke after I gave him some Tylenol.  He is in High School now and he only went the first day.  As I said, yesterday I brought him home and now today Dawn said the school nurse called her to come get him.  He is having some stomach flu symptoms but part of it could be the fact that he is now in a new school.  That doesn't seem like him though.  He is also a middlechild and rolls with the punches, trying to put people/emotional fires out like I do.

I think that when I die they won't even remember what I look like or how I sounded and the funny things I used to say.  They are busy with different things that consist primarily of ear buds in their ears.  And I've always been the "fun" grandma.  To be sure...I am not one of those, "In my day..." kind or person.  I get the kool-aid colored hair.  I get the tattoos and the piercings though many of them just look gross to me.  I get the way teens dress except for the pants on the ground thing.  Really, why would a guy want to look like they a wearing a diaper so full of pee that it needs changing immediately?

But even our kids who are in their 30's and 40's are consumed with the phones that do everything except make your food.  And I am sure that's coming soon.  I get technology.  I see the benefits.  I just miss people.  Yet, I don't like people.  They are mean.  I realize that I feel that way because I take things personally and that is wrong. 

So back to my downward spiral.  My husband acts as though everything is OK.  I know it isn't.  I also know he's pulling shit with our his money.  I am married yet I am very much alone.  I want him to leave. "and his little dog too"  Two days ago the little bitch bit me bad.  I was taking her for a walk and leaned down once again to untangle the leash from her feet and she jumped up and slashed the inside of my upper arm right above the elbow.  I walked her home immediately, just letting the blood drip down my arm.  I was crying and shaking like crazy.  Got home and "risked my life " by taking her leash off the yelled at her with my crying, shaky voice, to get in her kennel. I went into the bathroom and tried to get the bleeding to stop.  Um, can I just way right here and now that I am not a baby about this kind of stuff.  I told Hunter to just go to work after a horrible night of dealing with a Gallbladder attack.  Then I drove myself to the hospital where I had to have emergency surgery.  Anyway....the wound was such that I couldn't get it treated and taped up.  So I just jammed a towel into the crook of my arm and bent it.  I sat on the front porch waiting for Nancy to come home and help me.  She did.  I was crying and.....really, what's this crying shit all about.  I am getting worse and worse.  I was never a crier.  Hunter was gone at the time but I wouldn't have told him or let him help me anyway.  Somehow it would have become my fault and I just can't take anymore shit.