I believe that things happen in threes.

That is not a good thing.  Just finding out today that my grand daughter in Florida had been in the hospital a few weeks ago with a concussion -cheer leading is a dangerous sport- doesn't count so I am still waiting for #3.

1.  Got a call from an animal clinic in Northern Wisconsin.  Hunter was on the phone.  Maggie got into poison again.  I immediately started crying.  And I couldn't stop.  I was able to dial it down at times to listen to what he was telling me.  It was a much stronger poison than the kind she got into last time.  Yeah, the time when it took me awhile to convince Hunter to take her to the vet.  Had we waited one more day she would have needed blood transfusions.
This time the clinic sent blood to....well somewhere else for further testing.  But the one they tested at the clinic showed she didn't need a transfusion.  She was sent "home" with Chuck to where he is staying for the hunting season. And he has special medicine to give her plus charcoal.  I had trouble even telling him the phone #s of our vet here,  Just not good.  There is a slim chance she could even die.  He has to call the vet up there tomorrow afternoon to get the blood tests and see what he is to do.  He said he may come home the day before Thanksgiving.  And possibly go back.  Or  I would meet him somewhere halfway and bring her home and he would go back up or just keep her there 'till the 1st of December as he originally planned.  The only reason there are no tears staining this page is because the Xanax is finally kicking in.  Had they not stopped, liquor would have been the next stop in my evening.
Oh.....sorry....

2.  Daughter Dawn texted pretty much right after I hung up with Hunter. Grand daughter Meadow is in the ER.  She has had headaches for a long time and they tried a few meds, one of which lessened her headaches but also totally stopped the tremors she was having in her hands. This headache was the worst ever.  She had just seen a Neurologist who wants her to see a Cardiologist.  But before Dawn could even make that appt, she ends up in the hospital.  I am waiting for Dawn to call me.

3.  To be Determined.  The day's not over yet.

Bi-Polar Bear

They say I am s'posed to be living in the Arctic Circle.    I think that is located somewhere between Depression and  Insanity  Anxiety.
Fuck it!  I need to go take a Xanax and half a Vicodin and I will be right back.......

Ok.  So I didn't come right back.  I am hear now.  Well for as long as my whacked out laptop will let me be.  See?  Did you see that?  It just kind of stopped letting me type.  I feel better today despite the fact that Hunter just came out on the porch to get the mail and I went to ask him something.  He's like, "What?!!!"  I said, "Never mind."  Then he told he didn't really have time cuz he had so much to do and something about 7 loads of laundry....etc.  Yes, I can see that is definitely an emergency.   Anything and everything is more important than talking a few minutes with his wife.  I do not nag.  I don't even ask for help with anything anymore.

Yes it's my fault.  I know.  I married him and I stay with him and so I don't ask for pity.  I just need place to write this down.  Percentage - wise....I would say he is 98% kind to everyone he talks to and that leaves....well, 2% for me, right?

I am gonna publish this before the computer shuts down on me again.
p.s.  Hi cousin Rob.

Post Christmas Post.

I would sooooo love to be able to make up something wonderful.  But alas, that is not my thing.  I am far better at complaining and being all hurt and stuff. 
At least I got the most awesome gif.....er wait, I didn't get anything.  Actually, I got the baby Jesus and there is no better gift.
And the Christmas we had when I was at my son's in Nov/Dec truly was wonderful. 
Christmas eve at Chuck's "cousins" was so much fun.  But in my mind-not reality-I feel like I don't belong.  I feel like Chuck and I are intruding on that families Christmas.  They had their house remodeled and it is beautiful.  It was beautiful before.  My house is about as far from being a home as you can get.  The cousin that hosted the evening is married to her one and only husband and they are so close to their 2 daughters who are in their late 20's.  I long to be adopted by them.  It's always fun and laughter.  I mean, the family that drinks together stays together, right?  And I don't mean that in a bad way.  They are all healthy and happy and active.
So, I couldn't use my kitchen for the past three days.  I had intended to make my mom's Turkey Tetrazzini  that is to die for yesterday.  Chuck knew this.  Instead, he made shrimp and a friend he invited over for Christmas dinner brought beef tips that he had grilled.  They were soooo good!  And God bless Chuck that he invited George.  While he is always sloshed-well beyond that actually-he is the best guy!  Then another guy from down the street brought over a pizza that he had made on his grill.  Just dropped it off and went back home to his company.
So today I was starting to prepare the tetrazzini and all of a sudden he is in there making oysters.  "You don't need the oven do you?"  Really? 
Tomorrow I am making it and also the lasagna.  I don't care if he eats it or not.  And if/when he shoves me out of the way with a proprietary "S'cuse me," I will be shoving back hard. 
I woke up with my immediate panic/anxiety of having to start another day.  There's no reason for this and the feeling goes away as soon as I actually get out of bed.  I felt good for a change and had alot of things I wanted to do - I'm talking household chores.  Didn't take long before the orders, suggestions, etc. started coming.  I instantly feel defeated.  I told him the things I was planning to accomplish and somehow it turned into him telling me to re-read the marriage papers.  WTF!  I didn't even know how to respond to that.  Like is he talking about OBEY?  I took 2 Xanax and began my day.
So.....we sent Dawn, her husband and kids cards with $50 cash in them.  Immediately Nathan texted me a thank-you.  Dawn is almost 39.  Jer is almost 39.  Cain will be 18 in April.  Nate just turned 16.  Meadow will be 13.  I wrote special notes to them also.  I asked Dawn if the kids got theirs.  She did said she didn't know.  And had I not texted Merry Christmas to Dawn, I don't think she would have thanked me.
God Bless Nathan.  He is thoughtful and caring.  He-like me-is the middlechild.  We are the peacemakers.
Don't think I have nothing left to complain about.  Stay tuned.  You know something will come up.


Hope you all had a Christmas full of family and fun.  alcohol

Can't one of you at least sing me a lullaby?

Please?  It's 1:30 AM and I can't sleep.  All I keep thinking about is the trip and getting lost and what to pack and what to carry on the plane and my Ex and......
SHUT UP YOU STUPID BRAIN!!!!!!!
It causes my left arm to hurt and then I am thinking heart attack and on and on.  And then there's my breathing and am I dying and.....
This is all dumb stuff to be thinking about.  Truly. 
I took a xanax in the hopes that it will relax my mind.  But what if I forget to go to the store and buy a little item so I can write the check for extra cash so I can buy water after I go through security so I can take my pills so I can sleep through most of the flight but what if I have saliva dribbling down my chin while I sleep or do you think I should warn whoever is sitting next to me though the last time no one said anything but they did end up having to help me find my bags cuz they all looked the same but I am gonna tie a fluorescent orange ribbon to the handles if I can find it but I need to make sure it isn't long enough to get caught in the go-round thingie though if I cut it too short after tying it I'm thinking it might unravel and I'll be stuck once again trying to find my blue suitcases in a sea of blue suitcases although it might be kinda cool to pick up a rich person's by mistake but I am too honest to keep it though I don't think God would be too angry if I searched for like $5 or so right because it isn't that much and I don't think it is fair that a wife has to go on a trip without any money though if I remember to get some money by buying something small at the grocery store and get like $20 or so I really wouldn't have to worry about that but maybe I should write that down on my to-do list so I don't forget to do it and oh....there's two grand kids having birthdays and-wait-is there supposed to be and apostrophe before the S in birthday because I don't know and spell-check doesn't know and I also don't like the way spell check says I have to spell grandkids cuz I don't think it should be two words since I don't pause when I say the word and yes I consider it to be one word and now both of my forearms are hurting on the tops of them and I know it is from my cervical area which is not to say cervix cuz it means neck like where I had that surgery because I know there is another disc that he didn't want to operate on yet and it was funny that he said my hip would be the really sore part after the surgery because he took bone from there to fuse the discs together but it turns out that he was right cuz it hurt like a mutha though I guess I should be grateful because if my neck hurt like that I don't know what I would have done especially since I had to wear one of those cones like they put on dogs so they don't rip their stitches out even though I couldn't have reached the stitches with my teeth even without the cone.

*taking a breath here*

Isn't this so long that like you gave up reading after the first couple sentences which I am not angry about cuz I am just emptying my head here and no one is required to read it because when I need you I know you always come through for me because you are all nice like that even though I don't deserve it since I have been so lax in reading posts lately and that is only because I don't really do anything when Hunter is gone other than what I must and even then I do it at the last possible minute and I am also enjoying the quiet because it seems that getting older has caused me to be startled by loud noises which doesn't mean sudden actions jar me as they don't so I think it has something to do with my hearing but I am not going to have that checked out cuz I still have to make an appt. with the pulmonologist since my Oxygen saturation was only 94 but I will go after I get back from Vegas because if I go now I will spend all my time away worrying about the fact that he will have told me I too have COPD like Hunter and for right now I just want to be in denial.....OH WOW did you hear my neck popping and crackling just now but I don't want you to worry because it is only air in there and it is nothing to worry about although I think that when my son-in-law cracks his neck, it isn't a good thing cuz it could break right.....and then where would my daughter and the grandkids be and yes dear spell check I am going to spell grandkids like that and speaking of my daughter....I don't like that she never calls me or even texts to see if I am ok just in case I am lying or laying on the floor with a big gash on my head that looks worse than it is since head wounds bleed so much like that time I was a kid with super long hair and Billy Saindon threw a rock at me cuz I crossed the wooden plank that went across the ditch like it was "his" place or something I guess kinda like gangs think certain street corners are theirs and that is something I never understood anyway but when my mom saw all that blood she was freaked out and did I tell you I found a letter she had written to me when I was in high school, I think it was a month or so before she died and she was in the hospital and it made me cry but that reminds me of when we could all smoke in the hospital and then they changed it to only the patients themselves being able to smoke and then it was that you had to go to a smoking room, like one on each floor and now you have to go outside anywhere from 15 ft. away from the door to off the hospital property which I think is unfair because #1 - we are being treated like lepers and #2 - we are made to stand out in all kinds of weather and #3 - if you are a smoker, hospital issues are about as stressful as it gets unless maybe if you are an air traffic controller though I am not afraid to fly cuz I am not afraid of crashing nor am I afraid of being high jacked but it is more of a panic attack kind of thing like agoraphobia though that might not be right either so all I can say is that I feel I would be OK if I could sit in the cockpit (Ha, I said cock) or if everyone would turn their air vents towards me but I will be ok cuz Dawn tweaked my meds so I know that they will work but I think I would feel better if I could do the map quest thing that I can do but I don't know how to use our new printer yet though I am sure I could figure it out if I read the instructions which I should do cuz I have things I would like to scan into my computer so that one day I would then be able to find them and not only that but be able to attach them to my blog but not like an attachment you put in an e-mail but like I have some old pictures and stuff and even though I am still not tired I will say goodbye to the one person who may still be reading in the hopes that by doing so they will be awarded a prize of some sort and I am so sorry to disappoint you but I do hope you have a goodnight and a wonderful weekend.  Amen....or..opps, um, THE END?

I watched a squirrel play with his nuts.

As I sat outside I noticed a squirrel in the flower bed I had just cleared for winter.  I watched the whole time as he dug a hole, threw his nut in, scraped dirt into the hole and pat it down.  More dirt.  Pat it down.  Dry leaves, Pat.  You know the drill.  When he was done.......he went to the part of the garden that had been cleared and he immediately digs up another one and eats it.  What's the deal?  Do they have to ferment or something?
And the Hummingbirds.  They still go to the feeders but now they are also going for the red geraniums, red hibiscus and anything red.  Weirdos.

I am packed for the trip and as soon as this Xanax kicks in.....I will be doing good.  BTW, Xanax does not send me to La-La land.  DAMN!  It just takes the edge off.  Slows my heart rate or so it feels.  It gathers all those extra thoughts in my brain, puts them in a burlap sack and tucks them away for awhile.

Again Hunter was wondering why he gets so tired now.  He feels like he could take a nap every day.  I took this opportunity-for the 2nd time-to tell him, "You know how you feel?  That's how I feel ALL the time and have for as long as I can remember.."  I think he finally understood.  He said he couldn't deal with feeling like that for such a long time.

I hope everything fits in my vehicle.  Hunter has always said I bring too much and I have pared down quite a bit.  He, on the other hand, has increased the amount of stuff he brings.  Like a suitcase for his clothes and a couple large totes with......well, I don't know what.
I am still not sure what kind of place we are staying in although I know it's new because Hunter was up there a year or two ago helping them wire the place.  I don't know it there's a fridge or microwave.  I do know we have a half-bath but everyone uses the same shower.  Not good news for this nudie girl.   I guess I could "shower"at the sink.  Or if the other people are attractive........maybe a join communal shower party.  Yee-Haw!

We are going to grab a bite, go to the village meeting about the re-zoning then pack up the car so that all we have to do in the morning is dress and grab the remnants of our stuff and a big thermos of coffee for me.  Then off we go.  At 6 AM!  Is that even a real hour?  He will be in a hurry to get there but he says we can meander and take our time on the way home.  Do you suppose it is because we will be stopping at his lover friend Brian's farm?  I have an appt, Tuesday.  We are coming home Monday.  Yes, we will be taking Maggie. 
I will bring my camera and hope to get some good pictures.  'Course I don't know how to get them from the camera to the computer but I am sure if I read the instructions I can figure it out.

Will miss you all.  Peace and have a good weekend.  I will try to do the same and if all else fails....I know there will be plenty of alcohol.

Mini Meltdown.

LOTTA JOY - You were right about the denial.  Mine.
I wasn't feeling the best yesterday.    Went to bed at 11:15 pm.  Laid there for about an hour.  Body ached and I was all tensed up.  Mind busy with nothing in particular.  I prayed for sleep.  I tried to relax.  Then tears formed in my eyes.  I then realized I was thinking about Dawn and her family being evicted.  I got up, took two Xanax and two Anacin.  Made coffee and sat outside smoking, waiting for the meds to  take effect.  BTW, I never take two Xanax at once.  Then I am thinking about a couple shots of whiskey.  I thought about talking the puppy our of her kennel, sitting against the cabinet and just holding her for my own comfort.  Then I thought about this one knife we had that I am partial to.  Thought maybe I would take it in the bathroom and sit on the floor with it.  Just sit.  Thought about the fact that there aren't really any old-time razor blades...Then I saw the handgun sitting on Hunter's side of the kitchen table.  Hm....
These are just thoughts that pop into my scrambled, too full brain.  I can't control what goes on in there. I sat outside crying softly.  It was night time and sobbing could have disturbed some one's sleep.  Then the crying became interspersed with my own thoughts?  What thoughts.  Just needed to cry?  But it wasn't a cleansing cry.  It was more sorrow.  Sad about what?  Perhaps my worthlessness. 
I went to bed and Hunter asked me if I was OK.  He asked if I wanted him to get up with me, if there was anything he could do.  Asked if I wanted him to just hold me.  That starts me crying again.  I have a tendency to cry when someone is being genuinely nice to me.  He told me I should wake him when I get these feelings.  I cuddled up against him and he kept soothing me.  That eventually helped.  So I slept.  This morning he softly called up to me that it was a beautiful day if I wanted to come out and enjoy it or that I could go back to sleep. See?  This is the confusion in my marriage.  When he is gook, he is very, very good. I decide to get up.  It is beautiful.  I showered and put on real clothes instead of my ghetto, doesn't match, fake bra, I don't care "uniform."  He has my new sheets washed and on the clothes line.
My mind is still feeling a bit full.  Residual feelings perhaps?  I will get over it.  Last night was just a little scary for me, you know? 
Will change sheets.  Maybe work in the yard and clean house.  Will see if Hunter will take me to China Buffet for dinner.  Polish my nails.  Clean off the tables and get my new camera working.  A commenter asked our LAMB WHORE LEADER-SARA-if she was coming to northern Illinois.  Sara is a cleaning maniac.  If she is coming, I will invite her here also to help me.  Ha.  I should be so lucky.  Then there is JOEL  who is a jack-of-all-trades.  I could keep him busy for months.  My posts are beginning to be alot like MY NAME WAS FEMALE- not for those with short attention spans.  I l love her and her posts.  She is very dear to me.   If I could link to them, I would.  I haven't figured that out yet. I did, however, buy two books titled Computers For Dumb Old Fucks.  You people are my people.  I appreciate you all dearly.