Oh, where do I start. Where do I start.

I have had urgent moments where I wanted to blog and didn't.  Seems things and moods change so quickly.  Am leaving to go to my daughter's today.  I will be with the kids until Fri or Sat.  Until Dawn gets home.  She drove to Oklahoma to be with her husband whom she hasn't seen since Jan 1st.  He has had to stay at work as they are trying to get a new client.  I am so thrilled that she was able to get over her anxiety and make the trip.  I can't explain the severity of her anxiety.  There's a bit of agoraphobia in there too.  I was to be at ?  Dawn's at noon today.  She left Thurs. and the aunt had the kids since then.  Well, I fucked up my car pretty bad and can't make it there until later tonight. 

I had been in tears over this money to Hunter's kids thing.  He has now put his other son on the accts. too as he doesn't trust Aaron anymore.  Matthew is intelligent and not selfish and irresponsible like Aaron.  Ok.  So he didn't take Aaron's name off.  And to me it all points to the fact that he doesn't trust me . What kind of a marriage is that?
Then, as I gained control of my emotions on the way to my appt. for my med check, I pulled into the end parking space, plenty of room and I ran over the curb.  Oh no honey, not just a curb.  Not just a big curb.  This was about 15" high.  I am not  exaggerating as I am wont to do.  Sounded like a fucking crash.  kept going and parked.  Sure enough, I had an immediate flat tire.  I am pretty sure I messed up the wheel and alignment too.  This has caused me to be furious with myself.  Sure, everyone makes mistakes.  I can list mine if you like.  But crashes, speeding, etc, I am an excellent driver.  Truly. I called Hunter to ask him if I had a spare and jack.  I didn't know in this car and I would have changed it myself.  He came out.  I found the spare but he couldn't get it out.  I was laying on the ground and noticed he was getting it very loose but......that was the extent of it.  So he went home to get his sawsall.  Um nope, didn't do any good.  Soooooo, we ended up having to have it towed to our garage. Waiting to hear.  In the mean time.....I called my ex who lives out there-and is father to my kids-to ask if he could go there and stay with them 'till I could get there later this evening.  I told him where the money is that Dawn left me to buy groceries.  So I told Dan/Ex to take some of that money and take them out to dinner.  Hunter will drive me out there later this evening.  I doubt  that my car will be fixed in time. 

Oddly, I was so filled with th Holy Spirit Easter night that I could barely get to sleep!  And the next day  Boom!  Down to the depths of sadness. 

Have been sooooo exhausted the last week.  No reason.  I can't seem to do anything but sleep.  Hate it.  No, I love sleep.  I just mean that I feel I should be able to be awake and happy and real.

Am taking my laptop with to my daughters and will have time to blog and read posts.  I miss you all very much and hope all is well!  Kisses!

Can't one of you at least sing me a lullaby?

Please?  It's 1:30 AM and I can't sleep.  All I keep thinking about is the trip and getting lost and what to pack and what to carry on the plane and my Ex and......
SHUT UP YOU STUPID BRAIN!!!!!!!
It causes my left arm to hurt and then I am thinking heart attack and on and on.  And then there's my breathing and am I dying and.....
This is all dumb stuff to be thinking about.  Truly. 
I took a xanax in the hopes that it will relax my mind.  But what if I forget to go to the store and buy a little item so I can write the check for extra cash so I can buy water after I go through security so I can take my pills so I can sleep through most of the flight but what if I have saliva dribbling down my chin while I sleep or do you think I should warn whoever is sitting next to me though the last time no one said anything but they did end up having to help me find my bags cuz they all looked the same but I am gonna tie a fluorescent orange ribbon to the handles if I can find it but I need to make sure it isn't long enough to get caught in the go-round thingie though if I cut it too short after tying it I'm thinking it might unravel and I'll be stuck once again trying to find my blue suitcases in a sea of blue suitcases although it might be kinda cool to pick up a rich person's by mistake but I am too honest to keep it though I don't think God would be too angry if I searched for like $5 or so right because it isn't that much and I don't think it is fair that a wife has to go on a trip without any money though if I remember to get some money by buying something small at the grocery store and get like $20 or so I really wouldn't have to worry about that but maybe I should write that down on my to-do list so I don't forget to do it and oh....there's two grand kids having birthdays and-wait-is there supposed to be and apostrophe before the S in birthday because I don't know and spell-check doesn't know and I also don't like the way spell check says I have to spell grandkids cuz I don't think it should be two words since I don't pause when I say the word and yes I consider it to be one word and now both of my forearms are hurting on the tops of them and I know it is from my cervical area which is not to say cervix cuz it means neck like where I had that surgery because I know there is another disc that he didn't want to operate on yet and it was funny that he said my hip would be the really sore part after the surgery because he took bone from there to fuse the discs together but it turns out that he was right cuz it hurt like a mutha though I guess I should be grateful because if my neck hurt like that I don't know what I would have done especially since I had to wear one of those cones like they put on dogs so they don't rip their stitches out even though I couldn't have reached the stitches with my teeth even without the cone.

*taking a breath here*

Isn't this so long that like you gave up reading after the first couple sentences which I am not angry about cuz I am just emptying my head here and no one is required to read it because when I need you I know you always come through for me because you are all nice like that even though I don't deserve it since I have been so lax in reading posts lately and that is only because I don't really do anything when Hunter is gone other than what I must and even then I do it at the last possible minute and I am also enjoying the quiet because it seems that getting older has caused me to be startled by loud noises which doesn't mean sudden actions jar me as they don't so I think it has something to do with my hearing but I am not going to have that checked out cuz I still have to make an appt. with the pulmonologist since my Oxygen saturation was only 94 but I will go after I get back from Vegas because if I go now I will spend all my time away worrying about the fact that he will have told me I too have COPD like Hunter and for right now I just want to be in denial.....OH WOW did you hear my neck popping and crackling just now but I don't want you to worry because it is only air in there and it is nothing to worry about although I think that when my son-in-law cracks his neck, it isn't a good thing cuz it could break right.....and then where would my daughter and the grandkids be and yes dear spell check I am going to spell grandkids like that and speaking of my daughter....I don't like that she never calls me or even texts to see if I am ok just in case I am lying or laying on the floor with a big gash on my head that looks worse than it is since head wounds bleed so much like that time I was a kid with super long hair and Billy Saindon threw a rock at me cuz I crossed the wooden plank that went across the ditch like it was "his" place or something I guess kinda like gangs think certain street corners are theirs and that is something I never understood anyway but when my mom saw all that blood she was freaked out and did I tell you I found a letter she had written to me when I was in high school, I think it was a month or so before she died and she was in the hospital and it made me cry but that reminds me of when we could all smoke in the hospital and then they changed it to only the patients themselves being able to smoke and then it was that you had to go to a smoking room, like one on each floor and now you have to go outside anywhere from 15 ft. away from the door to off the hospital property which I think is unfair because #1 - we are being treated like lepers and #2 - we are made to stand out in all kinds of weather and #3 - if you are a smoker, hospital issues are about as stressful as it gets unless maybe if you are an air traffic controller though I am not afraid to fly cuz I am not afraid of crashing nor am I afraid of being high jacked but it is more of a panic attack kind of thing like agoraphobia though that might not be right either so all I can say is that I feel I would be OK if I could sit in the cockpit (Ha, I said cock) or if everyone would turn their air vents towards me but I will be ok cuz Dawn tweaked my meds so I know that they will work but I think I would feel better if I could do the map quest thing that I can do but I don't know how to use our new printer yet though I am sure I could figure it out if I read the instructions which I should do cuz I have things I would like to scan into my computer so that one day I would then be able to find them and not only that but be able to attach them to my blog but not like an attachment you put in an e-mail but like I have some old pictures and stuff and even though I am still not tired I will say goodbye to the one person who may still be reading in the hopes that by doing so they will be awarded a prize of some sort and I am so sorry to disappoint you but I do hope you have a goodnight and a wonderful weekend.  Amen....or..opps, um, THE END?

Ignore all the last stuff I wrote on the last post!

Hunter is the fuckinist fucker I have ever known!!!!!    Got the lecture about money again last night.  I have gotten this lecture so many times I can recite it by rote.  I do not buy anything but gas, cigs and the occasional candy bar.  Now he wants the receipts?  WTF!  He is not my boss.  He is not my father.

 So then at night I had my usual crappy nightmares, as usual.  This was a repetitive theme about Hunter cheating on me.  (which I don't think he did but he does his best to emotionally rape my mind)  interspersed with Dan-my starter husband who did cheat on me at least 2 times that I know of.   In these dreams it is like they are both representative of the same person but they like takes turns playing the same part?  I don't know if I explained that well enough.  The girl was-as always-much younger and in every dream she acts she's so much better than I am.  She taunts me.  It is never a kind of thing where they just fell in love.  Every time I just accept it.  This time I decided to hang in there.  She had apparently drawn all these tattoos all over his arms and back and chest with permanent marker.  I found a spot big enough on his back to write....I'm his WIFE.  This dream continued for a long time and involved us sitting in my dad's driveway-which was apparently our house.  His friend Louie was sitting there with us, knowing it was wrong that I was being cheated on but he is Hunter's best friend and so he sat there.  (for support?)  About Hunter's mom's house and it was just sold to a really nice neighbor couple with 2 young kids.  We were going through it because the buyers let us.  I saw alot of nice stuff that I wished we could take.  There was also a part about me and my son-younger at the time-being by the river and water and fish and falling in.  There is so much more to these dreams that I could fill pages and pages.

My point being that with-in 10 minutes of waking up, I was crying.  When depression saw it, it swept right into my head and heart.  Hunter came out and asked how I was this morning.  (He could kinda tell)  I told him that after his repeat lecture about money, I had this dream and told him about it.  He's asking my when I started having dreams like this.  Always nightmares ever since I can remember.  The cheating ones? he asked.  I said that it started with Dan.  He questioned me some more and I said I never had them when I was married to Dave-obviously because he was the one who I could trust to always be honest.  To love me completely and always be concerned about my welfare. To be sure, I still had nightmares but they were about not being able to figure out my high school schedule and once about people laughing at me as I walked outside, wrapped in a towel after a shower.  It took me awhile to realize they were laughing because my hair had somehow turned green.  Then there were the dreams that I wasn't taking care of my babies, like I had left them somewhere or forgot to change them or feed them..yet they were always OK.  I had dreams about teaching my sister how to drive.  Dreams about saving all the neighborhood kids from WWII-like attacks.  Then one about my grandson-the one with one lung-being sick and everyone was lined up along the walls in the living room just waiting to see what the outcome of Cain's health was.  He was-for whatever reason-shrunk down in the microwave in my kitchen and the results were that he wouldn't live a long life.  So I turned on the microwave to get him back to normal size and he melted into caramel.

Fuck.  I really got lost here didn't I?  Sorry.  So this morning he is lining up projects for me to do while he is off on yet another vacation.  He's done the -Get these porch boards painted while I am gone before.  Now it is the small porch which a friend rebuilding it.  So to be fair.....he did start painting after doing something with paint thinner.  I thought he was still using that.  Turns out he had begun painting.  When I realized that.....I got ready to help him and he said, "No, don't bother."  FINE BY ME!!!!!!  I had an appt soon thereafter, which he reminded me about.  When I got home he was gone but came home shortly thereafter.  We were supposed to go get more groceries but he went alone because...."you were gone somewhere. "Really?    He then told me to go in and make him supper.  Again fucker.  His tone of voice, ya know?  I had it ready in 10 minutes.  BAM!  Take that you son-of-a=bitch.  (true statement btw.)

The last straw?  Earlier in the day he had mentioned that when he got back from hunting he would be fixing all the holes in the walls and so I would have to take over the meals and dishes and cleaning.  What?  Oh yeah.  I remember now.  We had elves doing it all this time.  And you know I will have to help him do all the "man" stuff cuz he's......add your own word here.  Kinda like Mad Libs.

Sorry.  That was the second to the last straw.  The final one was when I mentioned my flying out to Vegas to stay with my son and his family, telling him Jennifer had found a really cheap flight He said he didn't think we had the money.  I will let this go for now.  Need to plug in.  Kisses.

I have decided that if we are so "poor"  I will tell him that he can save alot of money if I don't go down south with him for a month and a half.  He can rent a condo like his friends do.  He can visit with them and drink with them and will not have to expend energy ignoring me.  When we are there we never do anything together anyway.  NEVER anything I want to do anyway.
Now if he should say I should go with him-though he never says he wants me to go-and that then I can go see my son, I will tell him that I would have to go before "we" go to Florida.  He lies.  He lies often.  Lying is his second language.

If none of this makes sense it is because brainiac is painting with this "toxic" paint INSIDE the house.  I can hardly breathe.  I turned off the heat and opened every window.  Tomorrow will only be a high of 51 degrees.  Heat off and open windows won't cut it.  The following day will be in the sixties.  So I can do it then.  He tells me that if it is over 41 degrees it is OK to paint.   I asked him if he knew where his respirator was and he said no.  So I will use those masks.  You know the ones.  I can't describe them.

Ok.  Now I am done.  I promise.

New Reality Show. called......Money Wars.

Why not?  That is my life and it is reality.  The season finale is not yet determined.  It is a fight to the finish which would be the death of one of the two competitors.  The first competitor made a deal which was agreed upon.  The second competitor presented his deal which she listened to but side-stepped by insisting she will wait for written confirmation.   At that time, she will refuse any deal he thinks he may have made with her.  Round one looks to be in favor of the woman.  Stay tuned.

Feel much better today.  Took Maggie for a walk and while she is listening much better, there are still times when she'd rather bite your face off.  Hmmm.  Sounds like another thing in my life.  Give love and get "bitten."

Daughter had jump started the old car and was able to drive it to the hotel where they are staying.  Then it wouldn't start and they put a new battery in it.  It is fine.  So.....the other, but better car got jealous and insisted on a new battery too.  Dawn's dad-my ex-came over and cleaned the terminals and something else.  It ran but they might put another battery in it anyway. 

End of the month they have days with out a place to stay aaaaand they need to move at least the necessities out of the storage units. I will help them.  Then Jeremy can rent a u-hail and get the rest out of storage when he gets home from work around the 3rd week in Sept.   Thngs are moving along.

I will go and do some yardwork I have been ignoring.  Maybe mow because hotter weather is coming.  Peace.