Hunter is the fuckinist fucker I have ever known!!!!! Got the lecture about money again last night. I have gotten this lecture so many times I can recite it by rote. I do not buy anything but gas, cigs and the occasional candy bar. Now he wants the receipts? WTF! He is not my boss. He is not my father.
So then at night I had my usual crappy nightmares, as usual. This was a repetitive theme about Hunter cheating on me. (which I don't think he did but he does his best to emotionally rape my mind) interspersed with Dan-my starter husband who did cheat on me at least 2 times that I know of. In these dreams it is like they are both representative of the same person but they like takes turns playing the same part? I don't know if I explained that well enough. The girl was-as always-much younger and in every dream she acts she's so much better than I am. She taunts me. It is never a kind of thing where they just fell in love. Every time I just accept it. This time I decided to hang in there. She had apparently drawn all these tattoos all over his arms and back and chest with permanent marker. I found a spot big enough on his back to write....I'm his WIFE. This dream continued for a long time and involved us sitting in my dad's driveway-which was apparently our house. His friend Louie was sitting there with us, knowing it was wrong that I was being cheated on but he is Hunter's best friend and so he sat there. (for support?) About Hunter's mom's house and it was just sold to a really nice neighbor couple with 2 young kids. We were going through it because the buyers let us. I saw alot of nice stuff that I wished we could take. There was also a part about me and my son-younger at the time-being by the river and water and fish and falling in. There is so much more to these dreams that I could fill pages and pages.
My point being that with-in 10 minutes of waking up, I was crying. When depression saw it, it swept right into my head and heart. Hunter came out and asked how I was this morning. (He could kinda tell) I told him that after his repeat lecture about money, I had this dream and told him about it. He's asking my when I started having dreams like this. Always nightmares ever since I can remember. The cheating ones? he asked. I said that it started with Dan. He questioned me some more and I said I never had them when I was married to Dave-obviously because he was the one who I could trust to always be honest. To love me completely and always be concerned about my welfare. To be sure, I still had nightmares but they were about not being able to figure out my high school schedule and once about people laughing at me as I walked outside, wrapped in a towel after a shower. It took me awhile to realize they were laughing because my hair had somehow turned green. Then there were the dreams that I wasn't taking care of my babies, like I had left them somewhere or forgot to change them or feed them..yet they were always OK. I had dreams about teaching my sister how to drive. Dreams about saving all the neighborhood kids from WWII-like attacks. Then one about my grandson-the one with one lung-being sick and everyone was lined up along the walls in the living room just waiting to see what the outcome of Cain's health was. He was-for whatever reason-shrunk down in the microwave in my kitchen and the results were that he wouldn't live a long life. So I turned on the microwave to get him back to normal size and he melted into caramel.
Fuck. I really got lost here didn't I? Sorry. So this morning he is lining up projects for me to do while he is off on yet another vacation. He's done the -Get these porch boards painted while I am gone before. Now it is the small porch which a friend rebuilding it. So to be fair.....he did start painting after doing something with paint thinner. I thought he was still using that. Turns out he had begun painting. When I realized that.....I got ready to help him and he said, "No, don't bother." FINE BY ME!!!!!! I had an appt soon thereafter, which he reminded me about. When I got home he was gone but came home shortly thereafter. We were supposed to go get more groceries but he went alone because...."you were gone somewhere. "Really? He then told me to go in and make him supper. Again fucker. His tone of voice, ya know? I had it ready in 10 minutes. BAM! Take that you son-of-a=bitch. (true statement btw.)
The last straw? Earlier in the day he had mentioned that when he got back from hunting he would be fixing all the holes in the walls and so I would have to take over the meals and dishes and cleaning. What? Oh yeah. I remember now. We had elves doing it all this time. And you know I will have to help him do all the "man" stuff cuz he's......add your own word here. Kinda like Mad Libs.
Sorry. That was the second to the last straw. The final one was when I mentioned my flying out to Vegas to stay with my son and his family, telling him Jennifer had found a really cheap flight He said he didn't think we had the money. I will let this go for now. Need to plug in. Kisses.
I have decided that if we are so "poor" I will tell him that he can save alot of money if I don't go down south with him for a month and a half. He can rent a condo like his friends do. He can visit with them and drink with them and will not have to expend energy ignoring me. When we are there we never do anything together anyway. NEVER anything I want to do anyway.
Now if he should say I should go with him-though he never says he wants me to go-and that then I can go see my son, I will tell him that I would have to go before "we" go to Florida. He lies. He lies often. Lying is his second language.
If none of this makes sense it is because brainiac is painting with this "toxic" paint INSIDE the house. I can hardly breathe. I turned off the heat and opened every window. Tomorrow will only be a high of 51 degrees. Heat off and open windows won't cut it. The following day will be in the sixties. So I can do it then. He tells me that if it is over 41 degrees it is OK to paint. I asked him if he knew where his respirator was and he said no. So I will use those masks. You know the ones. I can't describe them.
Ok. Now I am done. I promise.