Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Oh, where do I start. Where do I start.

I have had urgent moments where I wanted to blog and didn't.  Seems things and moods change so quickly.  Am leaving to go to my daughter's today.  I will be with the kids until Fri or Sat.  Until Dawn gets home.  She drove to Oklahoma to be with her husband whom she hasn't seen since Jan 1st.  He has had to stay at work as they are trying to get a new client.  I am so thrilled that she was able to get over her anxiety and make the trip.  I can't explain the severity of her anxiety.  There's a bit of agoraphobia in there too.  I was to be at ?  Dawn's at noon today.  She left Thurs. and the aunt had the kids since then.  Well, I fucked up my car pretty bad and can't make it there until later tonight. 

I had been in tears over this money to Hunter's kids thing.  He has now put his other son on the accts. too as he doesn't trust Aaron anymore.  Matthew is intelligent and not selfish and irresponsible like Aaron.  Ok.  So he didn't take Aaron's name off.  And to me it all points to the fact that he doesn't trust me . What kind of a marriage is that?
Then, as I gained control of my emotions on the way to my appt. for my med check, I pulled into the end parking space, plenty of room and I ran over the curb.  Oh no honey, not just a curb.  Not just a big curb.  This was about 15" high.  I am not  exaggerating as I am wont to do.  Sounded like a fucking crash.  kept going and parked.  Sure enough, I had an immediate flat tire.  I am pretty sure I messed up the wheel and alignment too.  This has caused me to be furious with myself.  Sure, everyone makes mistakes.  I can list mine if you like.  But crashes, speeding, etc, I am an excellent driver.  Truly. I called Hunter to ask him if I had a spare and jack.  I didn't know in this car and I would have changed it myself.  He came out.  I found the spare but he couldn't get it out.  I was laying on the ground and noticed he was getting it very loose but......that was the extent of it.  So he went home to get his sawsall.  Um nope, didn't do any good.  Soooooo, we ended up having to have it towed to our garage. Waiting to hear.  In the mean time.....I called my ex who lives out there-and is father to my kids-to ask if he could go there and stay with them 'till I could get there later this evening.  I told him where the money is that Dawn left me to buy groceries.  So I told Dan/Ex to take some of that money and take them out to dinner.  Hunter will drive me out there later this evening.  I doubt  that my car will be fixed in time. 

Oddly, I was so filled with th Holy Spirit Easter night that I could barely get to sleep!  And the next day  Boom!  Down to the depths of sadness. 

Have been sooooo exhausted the last week.  No reason.  I can't seem to do anything but sleep.  Hate it.  No, I love sleep.  I just mean that I feel I should be able to be awake and happy and real.

Am taking my laptop with to my daughters and will have time to blog and read posts.  I miss you all very much and hope all is well!  Kisses!


Outcast said...

I'm absolutely shattered and I'm struggling to think of a comment to leave that'll truly help you Middle Child but it sounds like you've been exhausted and you can understand. I miss your regular posts and hope things are okay. I'm sorry to hear about the money thing with Hunter, it's confusing but I hope it's sorted soon.

Ms. A said...

I think the best thing I can do is to send you some good thoughts and a few prayers.

bj said...

MC....I am always stunned when I read such sadness on your blog. I never have words...I WANT, so much, to say something earth shattering that will make you feel much better but those words never come. I just don't understand so much of where you are coming from, therefore, I can't find words to help.
I do know, however, that I like you ....a lot. We are far enuf in age that you could be my daughter...and I wonder a lot about YOUR mom...
And, Meadow...??? A real grandgirl...? or a part of MC ???
I stay confused here...but, then again...at this olden age, I may be confused EVERYwhere....and just not know it yet. :))
Love to you....and to Meadow

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

hen it rains, it pours for you m/f. So sorry.