Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Me again! (Meadow)

Meadow here again (middlechild's granddaughter). I'm just going to jump right in. Oh, and THANK YOU to everyone who commented on the last post of mine... I am very grateful.Also, hello again.

Sometimes I hate when people apologize to me. I know when people are not being sincere. I have to see my school counselor...I see her at least once a month. Guess what she says... "I know there isn't anything I can do to fix anything...but I am really sorry for these things that have happened to you." While she does the adult act-like-I-care-then-get-paid-for-pretending-fake-sincerity act, I wonder, 'How many people TODAY has she said that to?' I sit and nod when she asks if I am 'feeling alright.'I, however, do not say any words. I sit, nod, and leave.

I've had over five people say something similar to,"Just kill yourself already." That just goes in one ear and out the other.I always think, ' Don't they know I have already contemplated this?Don't they know that I REALLY couldn't care less if one day I died?'Then again, why would they know? The only people who talk to me talk to me so they can make fun of me. 

Have you ever almost cried...then realized it would accomplish nothing? I have been doing this a lot lately... Eyes begin to tear up...breathing becomes faster...chest grows tight... Then I realize...No one would care. Anyone could see my tears, and it would do nothing. 

Sometimes...I really...just...don't care. Sometimes I care so much that when it doesn't work out it physically hurts... Most of the time I feel numb. That hurts worst of all... I have days that when my heart beats, it annoys me. The steady beating...it just counts the seconds longer I have to accept living.Sometimes every time I breathe I hear them even louder...even more...

You're stupid./She'll never amount to anything./Why doesn't she kill herself again?/HER? Pretty? HAHAHAHA/'Did you see the cuts?''Yeah...she's such a freak!'/Useless./I think she's kinda cute...NO! Not her! Behind her./Who's that?...wait, she's been in our class all year?/

I've just been ranting...and I apologize. I just love doing this because I can get all my feelings out without...judgement... After writing this I feel a bit more...relieved...Most people who learn of my past of cutting see the scars. Having to talk about it is odd...

I have since stopped that because my mother said she would send me away to a psychiatric ward if I didn't stop...

That doesn't mean thoughts don't still wiggle their way into my mind and dwell on their words...

Anyways...Thanks for reading. Maybe later I will write more. Any comments are GREATLY appreciated...
Goodbye for now.

5 comments:

Ms. A said...

I don't know what a person expects to accomplish by cutting. Is it to feel as much pain on the outside and you feel on the inside? But, why would a person want to feel MORE PAIN, of any kind? Be kind to yourself.

Rob-bear said...

I understand some of what you're saying. Because as an adult, I was bullied really badly. I got to the point where I couldn't do anything — not even think clearly. That was a few years ago. Now, I'm getting better. Hey, I'm still here! I have a few wonderful friends, good doctors and other helpers. We worked on it together.

I hope you can find some people who respect you. I'm sure there are, or will be, some. Don't write anyone off, even if they don't appear to be too helpful. Maybe they are more sincere than you realize.

Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting

YeamieWaffles said...

Meadow I just want you to realise that you are not alone in feeling like you do at all. I'm trying to keep this simple and making sense but basically you have to remember when the voices in your brain (I call it the inner chatterbox) tell you things about you being useless or having to kill yourself and things like that, the only reason why they hurt is because you believe them.

At the end of the day it's our mind that controls our happiness and when you think a lot and you're somebody who's introverted then your mind kind of has extra wiggle room to play tricks on you.

If "you're so stupid," gets turned into "I'm not stupid," (which you're not, for being so young you can write brilliantly) and "She'll never amount to anything," turns into "I'm in control of what I amount to in the end, not them and I'm going to prove them wrong," then you can and you will beat this Meadow.

I also know what it's like to have somebody who's supposed to help us just blatantly lack compassion but you shouldn't beat yourself up about that. There are people such as your grandmother who really do care for you and who are there for you and you need to keep it in mind. I understand why you cut but honestly cutting isn't the answer and as I'm sure you know it leads to nothing but regret. Thanks for dropping in to write for us, hopefully you feel better soon, you can and you will beat this.

In the Pink said...

I was read this once by my best bud and think you will understand it's meaning. (My Best friend and I used to be cutters and are both mentally ill)

"She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind." ~Toni Morrison, Beloved

Meadow, you are so brave to put yourself out there and I look forward to reading future post from you, my friend of mind. Best wishes to you in your path to self actualization.

middle child said...

Thank you for the kind words... I am lucky to be met with such niceness... -Meadow