Meadow here again (middlechild's granddaughter). I'm just going to jump right in. Oh, and THANK YOU to everyone who commented on the last post of mine... I am very grateful.Also, hello again.
Sometimes I hate when people apologize to me. I know when people are not being sincere. I have to see my school counselor...I see her at least once a month. Guess what she says... "I know there isn't anything I can do to fix anything...but I am really sorry for these things that have happened to you." While she does the adult act-like-I-care-then-get-paid-for-pretending-fake-sincerity act, I wonder, 'How many people TODAY has she said that to?' I sit and nod when she asks if I am 'feeling alright.'I, however, do not say any words. I sit, nod, and leave.
I've had over five people say something similar to,"Just kill yourself already." That just goes in one ear and out the other.I always think, ' Don't they know I have already contemplated this?Don't they know that I REALLY couldn't care less if one day I died?'Then again, why would they know? The only people who talk to me talk to me so they can make fun of me.
Have you ever almost cried...then realized it would accomplish nothing? I have been doing this a lot lately... Eyes begin to tear up...breathing becomes faster...chest grows tight... Then I realize...No one would care. Anyone could see my tears, and it would do nothing.
Sometimes...I really...just...don't care. Sometimes I care so much that when it doesn't work out it physically hurts... Most of the time I feel numb. That hurts worst of all... I have days that when my heart beats, it annoys me. The steady beating...it just counts the seconds longer I have to accept living.Sometimes every time I breathe I hear them even louder...even more...You're stupid./She'll never amount to anything./Why doesn't she kill herself again?/HER? Pretty? HAHAHAHA/'Did you see the cuts?''Yeah...she's such a freak!'/Useless./I think she's kinda cute...NO! Not her! Behind her./Who's that?...wait, she's been in our class all year?/
I've just been ranting...and I apologize. I just love doing this because I can get all my feelings out without...judgement... After writing this I feel a bit more...relieved...Most people who learn of my past of cutting see the scars. Having to talk about it is odd...
I have since stopped that because my mother said she would send me away to a psychiatric ward if I didn't stop...
That doesn't mean thoughts don't still wiggle their way into my mind and dwell on their words...
Anyways...Thanks for reading. Maybe later I will write more. Any comments are GREATLY appreciated...
Goodbye for now.
