Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Little Random Happy Sparks (Meadow again)

Hello, it's Meadow again... Something happened yesterday and I feel like writing about it. Blogging about it actually. (Thanks to any and all comments in the past or future.)

Yesterday I was just laying on the couch, not really doing too much, just staring off into nothingness trying to ignore the numbness beginning to overcome me when...something strange happened. Slowly a smile began to creep onto my face... A...a bright and happy feeling just kind of...filled me. Of course I didn't fight it, I love to be happy. Most of the time I can't find it in me to smile...

So I was sitting there smiling and I thought of some of the things you have said to me. "You're not alone," and, "You're not stupid," /and, "You're so brave," /and, "I hope you can find some people who respect you."

Then my STUPID BRAIN decided to think opposites of all those...(Because, you know, my brain hates my happiness.) Such as..."All you will ever be IS alone," and, "You ARE stupid," and, "You think you're so great? Well you're WEAK!" and, "No one will EVER respect you, idiot!"

I sat there, my smile fading into oblivion... I tried fighting the words. I tried fighting the hurt. Why and HOW did my brain always find ways to hurt me? Why couldn't I be like other people my age? Complaining about not getting the new Iphone... Babbling on about how, "Oh, all guys are jerks and exactly similar."? No, I sit here alone and think of all my horrible traits...


OHOHOHOH! But another streak of happiness!!! =) =) middlechild took me to the library!!! It calmed me... I love reading... disappearing into a different world... Just the smell of books... I was so so so so so so happy... Then, of course, when I got home the euphoria evaporated. I hated losing that happiness.

Here is a poem I wrote about a man contemplating suicide:

A man sat,
So calmly.
Wearing a gray hat,
He breathed slowly.
Sixty floors up,
On a rooftop.
He sits with a slump,
His life a downward spiral and it won't stop.
He will jump,
and finally be happy.
People below gathered in a clump,
Acting sad and sappy.
When truly no one cared,
For this man's life.
No love was shared,
He lived without a wife.
This man was miserable,
And very depressed.
His breath came out in steam from the cold,
Relieving all stress.
He looked at the arriving police cars,
And chuckled to himself.
He longed to see the night and stars,
Today was the day he'd do it, March twelfth.
He sees his feet dangling,
And thinks, 'Could I really do it?'
His heart thumping,
Everyone below beginning to throw rage fits.
His life is meaningless,
Or so he believes.
Everything in his life is a wrong guess,
In sight are no forms of relief.
Everyone below,
Looking so insignificant.
All they want is a bloody show,
And to hear his skin rip.
Yet something in his head,
Whispers to him (Maybe it was you!)
The voice says, "Take the stairs down instead,
Your mother loves you along with others too!"
Yet he remained staring at the ground,
So far below.
His life feels like the most painful sound,
But he never let it show.
He began to stand,
Shaking slightly.
Waiting for a helping hand,
Maybe God Almighty.
Someone to say he didn't deserve this death.
Yet everyone wants him to pay,
And all he wants is eternal rest.
He slides closer to the edge,
And takes a deep breath.
He thinks, "Should I jump off the edge?"
After this world, you are only a guest.

Well...thanks for listning...


Outcast said...

I love the poem Meadow. It's dark obviously but in a really intense way and I enjoyed it. One thing I've always heard about jumping though, when a person jumps off the edge towards the ground in an attempt to end their life they realise when they're falling that nothing, no problem or issue that was in their life was worth the fall, no feelings or issues couldn't have been fixed in another way so remember that.

Sometimes I get really good moments and they eventually fade but the important thing to do is to keep trying, to not just let the happiness fade away and let your mind consume you. I'm somebody who partially believes that nothing is perfect in life and the only way to stop yourself from realising nothing perfect is to keep yourself busy. No matter what your brain tries to tell you though you are never alone so don't forget that, you have your amazing grandmother in the first place! Thanks for dropping by again.

Bargain Decorating with Laurie said...

Meadow, you obviously are very smart. Your poem is so touching, and you made it feel so real. We can't let our inner critic take over our minds. I fight mine all the time. Struggling with your inner critic is exausting, but occasionally coming out of the struggle with a smile on your face is worth it. The more you fight the i.c., the more often you'll have that smile on your face, and hopefully keep it. I have said a prayer for you. laurie