Friday, November 9, 2012

Can't one of you at least sing me a lullaby?

Please?  It's 1:30 AM and I can't sleep.  All I keep thinking about is the trip and getting lost and what to pack and what to carry on the plane and my Ex and......
SHUT UP YOU STUPID BRAIN!!!!!!!
It causes my left arm to hurt and then I am thinking heart attack and on and on.  And then there's my breathing and am I dying and.....
This is all dumb stuff to be thinking about.  Truly. 
I took a xanax in the hopes that it will relax my mind.  But what if I forget to go to the store and buy a little item so I can write the check for extra cash so I can buy water after I go through security so I can take my pills so I can sleep through most of the flight but what if I have saliva dribbling down my chin while I sleep or do you think I should warn whoever is sitting next to me though the last time no one said anything but they did end up having to help me find my bags cuz they all looked the same but I am gonna tie a fluorescent orange ribbon to the handles if I can find it but I need to make sure it isn't long enough to get caught in the go-round thingie though if I cut it too short after tying it I'm thinking it might unravel and I'll be stuck once again trying to find my blue suitcases in a sea of blue suitcases although it might be kinda cool to pick up a rich person's by mistake but I am too honest to keep it though I don't think God would be too angry if I searched for like $5 or so right because it isn't that much and I don't think it is fair that a wife has to go on a trip without any money though if I remember to get some money by buying something small at the grocery store and get like $20 or so I really wouldn't have to worry about that but maybe I should write that down on my to-do list so I don't forget to do it and oh....there's two grand kids having birthdays and-wait-is there supposed to be and apostrophe before the S in birthday because I don't know and spell-check doesn't know and I also don't like the way spell check says I have to spell grandkids cuz I don't think it should be two words since I don't pause when I say the word and yes I consider it to be one word and now both of my forearms are hurting on the tops of them and I know it is from my cervical area which is not to say cervix cuz it means neck like where I had that surgery because I know there is another disc that he didn't want to operate on yet and it was funny that he said my hip would be the really sore part after the surgery because he took bone from there to fuse the discs together but it turns out that he was right cuz it hurt like a mutha though I guess I should be grateful because if my neck hurt like that I don't know what I would have done especially since I had to wear one of those cones like they put on dogs so they don't rip their stitches out even though I couldn't have reached the stitches with my teeth even without the cone.

*taking a breath here*

Isn't this so long that like you gave up reading after the first couple sentences which I am not angry about cuz I am just emptying my head here and no one is required to read it because when I need you I know you always come through for me because you are all nice like that even though I don't deserve it since I have been so lax in reading posts lately and that is only because I don't really do anything when Hunter is gone other than what I must and even then I do it at the last possible minute and I am also enjoying the quiet because it seems that getting older has caused me to be startled by loud noises which doesn't mean sudden actions jar me as they don't so I think it has something to do with my hearing but I am not going to have that checked out cuz I still have to make an appt. with the pulmonologist since my Oxygen saturation was only 94 but I will go after I get back from Vegas because if I go now I will spend all my time away worrying about the fact that he will have told me I too have COPD like Hunter and for right now I just want to be in denial.....OH WOW did you hear my neck popping and crackling just now but I don't want you to worry because it is only air in there and it is nothing to worry about although I think that when my son-in-law cracks his neck, it isn't a good thing cuz it could break right.....and then where would my daughter and the grandkids be and yes dear spell check I am going to spell grandkids like that and speaking of my daughter....I don't like that she never calls me or even texts to see if I am ok just in case I am lying or laying on the floor with a big gash on my head that looks worse than it is since head wounds bleed so much like that time I was a kid with super long hair and Billy Saindon threw a rock at me cuz I crossed the wooden plank that went across the ditch like it was "his" place or something I guess kinda like gangs think certain street corners are theirs and that is something I never understood anyway but when my mom saw all that blood she was freaked out and did I tell you I found a letter she had written to me when I was in high school, I think it was a month or so before she died and she was in the hospital and it made me cry but that reminds me of when we could all smoke in the hospital and then they changed it to only the patients themselves being able to smoke and then it was that you had to go to a smoking room, like one on each floor and now you have to go outside anywhere from 15 ft. away from the door to off the hospital property which I think is unfair because #1 - we are being treated like lepers and #2 - we are made to stand out in all kinds of weather and #3 - if you are a smoker, hospital issues are about as stressful as it gets unless maybe if you are an air traffic controller though I am not afraid to fly cuz I am not afraid of crashing nor am I afraid of being high jacked but it is more of a panic attack kind of thing like agoraphobia though that might not be right either so all I can say is that I feel I would be OK if I could sit in the cockpit (Ha, I said cock) or if everyone would turn their air vents towards me but I will be ok cuz Dawn tweaked my meds so I know that they will work but I think I would feel better if I could do the map quest thing that I can do but I don't know how to use our new printer yet though I am sure I could figure it out if I read the instructions which I should do cuz I have things I would like to scan into my computer so that one day I would then be able to find them and not only that but be able to attach them to my blog but not like an attachment you put in an e-mail but like I have some old pictures and stuff and even though I am still not tired I will say goodbye to the one person who may still be reading in the hopes that by doing so they will be awarded a prize of some sort and I am so sorry to disappoint you but I do hope you have a goodnight and a wonderful weekend.  Amen....or..opps, um, THE END?

6 comments:

Ally said...

Where's my prize?! What do you mean no prize?!

I'm glad you emptied your head, and just know I read every word and I read it so quickly even I had to stop for a breath! Whew. Hope you were able to sleep after that!

Hugs!

YeamieWaffles said...

I read this all too Middle Child and while it was no bother for me to read it I'm sorry that so many different conundrums and issues are bothering you. I genuinely think that you're going to be fine and you're going to have a blast and that your worries while very real are trivial to an extent. Hopefully things are okay and please keep us updated, like Ally says hopefully you managed to get a nice sleep in as well.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

I was with you... all the way.
Unload on me any time m/f.
That's what friends are for. :0)
Everything will fit into place. YOU WILL enjoy your days away!!!
(((hugs)))Pat

Rob-bear said...

Oh, wow! I am totally rung out from reading your stream-of-consciousness post.

Best you sit down, breathe deeply, take some pills, and meditate until you are relaxed.

Then you can start up again.

I hope your holiday goes well. I really do! You need one!

Wanda's Wings said...

Wow your mind is going 100 miles per hour. Try to enjoy yourself!

Gnetch said...

Oh my goodness I love how fast I read this post because I feel like you wrote it really fast and I really needed that *taking a breath here* thing.

Anyway, no, birthdays shouldn't have an apostrophe and grandkids can be spelled as one word. Spell check can suck it.

Also, please don't have COPD.

Love you lots.