Saturday, August 11, 2012

Mini Meltdown.

LOTTA JOY - You were right about the denial.  Mine.
I wasn't feeling the best yesterday.    Went to bed at 11:15 pm.  Laid there for about an hour.  Body ached and I was all tensed up.  Mind busy with nothing in particular.  I prayed for sleep.  I tried to relax.  Then tears formed in my eyes.  I then realized I was thinking about Dawn and her family being evicted.  I got up, took two Xanax and two Anacin.  Made coffee and sat outside smoking, waiting for the meds to  take effect.  BTW, I never take two Xanax at once.  Then I am thinking about a couple shots of whiskey.  I thought about talking the puppy our of her kennel, sitting against the cabinet and just holding her for my own comfort.  Then I thought about this one knife we had that I am partial to.  Thought maybe I would take it in the bathroom and sit on the floor with it.  Just sit.  Thought about the fact that there aren't really any old-time razor blades...Then I saw the handgun sitting on Hunter's side of the kitchen table.  Hm....
These are just thoughts that pop into my scrambled, too full brain.  I can't control what goes on in there. I sat outside crying softly.  It was night time and sobbing could have disturbed some one's sleep.  Then the crying became interspersed with my own thoughts?  What thoughts.  Just needed to cry?  But it wasn't a cleansing cry.  It was more sorrow.  Sad about what?  Perhaps my worthlessness. 
I went to bed and Hunter asked me if I was OK.  He asked if I wanted him to get up with me, if there was anything he could do.  Asked if I wanted him to just hold me.  That starts me crying again.  I have a tendency to cry when someone is being genuinely nice to me.  He told me I should wake him when I get these feelings.  I cuddled up against him and he kept soothing me.  That eventually helped.  So I slept.  This morning he softly called up to me that it was a beautiful day if I wanted to come out and enjoy it or that I could go back to sleep. See?  This is the confusion in my marriage.  When he is gook, he is very, very good. I decide to get up.  It is beautiful.  I showered and put on real clothes instead of my ghetto, doesn't match, fake bra, I don't care "uniform."  He has my new sheets washed and on the clothes line.
My mind is still feeling a bit full.  Residual feelings perhaps?  I will get over it.  Last night was just a little scary for me, you know? 
Will change sheets.  Maybe work in the yard and clean house.  Will see if Hunter will take me to China Buffet for dinner.  Polish my nails.  Clean off the tables and get my new camera working.  A commenter asked our LAMB WHORE LEADER-SARA-if she was coming to northern Illinois.  Sara is a cleaning maniac.  If she is coming, I will invite her here also to help me.  Ha.  I should be so lucky.  Then there is JOEL  who is a jack-of-all-trades.  I could keep him busy for months.  My posts are beginning to be alot like MY NAME WAS FEMALE- not for those with short attention spans.  I l love her and her posts.  She is very dear to me.   If I could link to them, I would.  I haven't figured that out yet. I did, however, buy two books titled Computers For Dumb Old Fucks.  You people are my people.  I appreciate you all dearly. 

13 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

I am glad you were able to get some comfort.

Grammy Goodwill said...

Awww, I didn't expect this side of Hunter. No wonder you are so conflicted. I'm glad he gave you comfort and tried to help. (I always look for the rainbow after the storm.)

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

The two of us march to the beat of the same drummer. We carry the hurts and injustices of the world on our backs. Our kids hurt...we hurt more.
It was good to hear that your Hunter was sensitive to your needs and held you. That's what helps us to carry on. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. While we don't always realize it....we are loved. Reaching my arms out to you(((hugs)))Pat

Rob-bear said...

I'm dealing with my own demons this afternoon. But though, how wonderful Hunter was. My kind of guy (when he's like that).

I hope today has been better, and that tonight will be much better.

Blessings and Bear hugs, eh?

Red Shoes said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom...
but I don;t...

I seem to hurt extra when it's my kids...

~shoes~

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

Hang in there.


:::hugs:::

Vapid Vixen said...

I've had nights on end where I just don't sleep. I've had my nights where I cry from sheer exhaustion. I can't even imagine if these nights were coupled with the kind of thoughts you have swimming around in your mind. I'm so sorry! I'm glad you have someone to hold you and be sweet to you when you need it the most.

lotta joy said...

I have cradled my gun in my hands before. I have cradled my dog in my arms before. I have been cradled in Joe's arms before.....and my WASbund always kept me confounded by his ability to cause harm versus his rare ability to ease my suffering.

So, know ONE THING if you know nothing else: when a cruel person shows their nicer side, that's just proof that they CAN be nice, but only when they CHOOSE to.

and I will add this: If you died tomorrow, would your LACK OF WORRY be of any harm to your children?

So, STOP the worrying while you're alive. It CAN be done. I'm living proof. (So is my grown daughter who made it to the top in spite of the fact I learned to stop worrying about her a few years ago)

Lucy Ball said...

K. First off, I can TOTALLY relate. It takes time, but it passes. You know this, right? My husband has asked me, "why can't you just be happy?" And I have NO idea what to say to that. I don't know. But then a biker shows up with a flat. I help someone else and feel good again.

#2. Thanks for stopping by. I updated my drawing just for YOU. ;-)

http://www.mylifeaslucille.blogspot.com

C. I can show you how to link up to people's posts if you want. You seem interesting and I'll be creeping your blog some more.

The Reckmonster said...

It's always hard to try and "explain" or "describe" those thoughts and feelings that can swim around in your head without worrying that someone's going to call the crisis mobile on you.

I was shocked to see the human side of the Hunter. But glad to see that he pulled it out when you needed it most.

Hang in there, mamasita!

grins said...

You know, Job thought a lot about suicide. It's not a sin... and look what God did for him. Every one "understands". No one really understands. It'll pass.
A friend staying with us who is having a hard time went for a walk with my wife and her and our dog. The friends rotty-dog blasted off and the friend fell. It gave her a good excuse to cry. I think she's better now for crying.

Just Be Real said...

Hugs to you dear....

Steve john said...

I hope today has been better.Blessings Hugs!!!!


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