Mini Meltdown.

LOTTA JOY - You were right about the denial.  Mine.
I wasn't feeling the best yesterday.    Went to bed at 11:15 pm.  Laid there for about an hour.  Body ached and I was all tensed up.  Mind busy with nothing in particular.  I prayed for sleep.  I tried to relax.  Then tears formed in my eyes.  I then realized I was thinking about Dawn and her family being evicted.  I got up, took two Xanax and two Anacin.  Made coffee and sat outside smoking, waiting for the meds to  take effect.  BTW, I never take two Xanax at once.  Then I am thinking about a couple shots of whiskey.  I thought about talking the puppy our of her kennel, sitting against the cabinet and just holding her for my own comfort.  Then I thought about this one knife we had that I am partial to.  Thought maybe I would take it in the bathroom and sit on the floor with it.  Just sit.  Thought about the fact that there aren't really any old-time razor blades...Then I saw the handgun sitting on Hunter's side of the kitchen table.  Hm....
These are just thoughts that pop into my scrambled, too full brain.  I can't control what goes on in there. I sat outside crying softly.  It was night time and sobbing could have disturbed some one's sleep.  Then the crying became interspersed with my own thoughts?  What thoughts.  Just needed to cry?  But it wasn't a cleansing cry.  It was more sorrow.  Sad about what?  Perhaps my worthlessness. 
I went to bed and Hunter asked me if I was OK.  He asked if I wanted him to get up with me, if there was anything he could do.  Asked if I wanted him to just hold me.  That starts me crying again.  I have a tendency to cry when someone is being genuinely nice to me.  He told me I should wake him when I get these feelings.  I cuddled up against him and he kept soothing me.  That eventually helped.  So I slept.  This morning he softly called up to me that it was a beautiful day if I wanted to come out and enjoy it or that I could go back to sleep. See?  This is the confusion in my marriage.  When he is gook, he is very, very good. I decide to get up.  It is beautiful.  I showered and put on real clothes instead of my ghetto, doesn't match, fake bra, I don't care "uniform."  He has my new sheets washed and on the clothes line.
My mind is still feeling a bit full.  Residual feelings perhaps?  I will get over it.  Last night was just a little scary for me, you know? 
Will change sheets.  Maybe work in the yard and clean house.  Will see if Hunter will take me to China Buffet for dinner.  Polish my nails.  Clean off the tables and get my new camera working.  A commenter asked our LAMB WHORE LEADER-SARA-if she was coming to northern Illinois.  Sara is a cleaning maniac.  If she is coming, I will invite her here also to help me.  Ha.  I should be so lucky.  Then there is JOEL  who is a jack-of-all-trades.  I could keep him busy for months.  My posts are beginning to be alot like MY NAME WAS FEMALE- not for those with short attention spans.  I l love her and her posts.  She is very dear to me.   If I could link to them, I would.  I haven't figured that out yet. I did, however, buy two books titled Computers For Dumb Old Fucks.  You people are my people.  I appreciate you all dearly.