Lurking not Twerking

Always tired and now always cold.  Can't complain tho.  So many of you got hit with snow and ice and not so nice weather.

Have starting going to what is called PHP.  Don't ask me what the letters stand for because no matter how many times I ask and the answer is given......I still don't remember.  It is a therapy group for people with all different mental health issues be it addiction or anxiety or depression or anger.  I really like it.  And it seems to be helping.  My psychiatrist comes in once a week to talk to each of us who see him.  He has tweaked - not twerked - my meds twice and I do think the addition of  *Abilify is helping.  I am also seeing the Pulmonologist and me favorite....the dentist to get a bridge which begs the question, what good does flossing and seeing the dentist every 6 months if this shit is gonna happen anyway!?

So, yeah.  I am just going to read up some here.  It seems like years.  I have no clue as to why I haven't been on line.  But if it's any consolation...I haven't been watching TV much either.  I don't know what I have been doing - to tell you the truth.

*sadly, I think this Abilify is affecting my vision.  Too bad since I got glasses about 2 monthes ago after not going to eye doc in 2-3 years.  And I could see sooooo much better!

Ok.  Gotta lurk.  Muah!
Always tired and now always cold. Can't complain tho. So many of you got hit with snow and ice and not so nice weather.

Have starting going to what is called PHP. Don't ask me what the letters stand for because no matter how many times I ask and the answer is given......I still don't remember. It is a therapy group for people with all different mental health issues be it addiction or anxiety or depression or anger. I really like it. And it seems to be helping. My psychiatrist comes in once a week to talk to each of us who see him. He has tweaked - not twerked - my meds twice and I do think the addition of *Abilify is helping. I am also seeing the Pulmonologist and me favorite....the dentist to get a bridge which begs the question, what good does flossing and seeing the dentist every 6 months if this shit is gonna happen anyway!?

So, yeah. I am just going to read up some here. It seems like years. I have no clue as to why I haven't been on line. But if it's any consolation...I haven't been watching TV much either. I don't know what I have been doing - to tell you the truth.

*sadly, I think this Abilify is affecting my vision. Too bad since I got glasses about 2 monthes ago after not going to eye doc in 2-3 years. And I could see sooooo much better!

Ok. Gotta lurk. Muah!

Shadowed Sunlight.

Depression = messy house=depression=messy house= depression=me.
If I would just turn off the TV (though I have 3 weeks to watch it as Chuck is gone) I could put on the music and wouldn't have any choice but to clea........WAIT!  I could read and play the piano and paint - not the walls.  Those would have to be sand blasted.

And can you read my mind?  Yes indeed.  It is saying, "Next week. You have next week"  But next week my brain will again tell me that I still have the week after and then all of a sudden it will be the day before or even the day of his return. 

Please don't thing I am not aware of how lazy I am.  Lazy with a capital L and that stands for middLechiLd. 
Perhaps I do have low self-esteem though I know I have a good heart.  I know that God loves me beyond all reason.  However.....I feel that my late husband should have lived.  I would have gladly given my life for his because he was so vital and helpful to friends and strangers.  He was happy and laughed and he was so grateful.  My next door neighbor is 50 or so.  She is fighting a big fucking battle against stage 2 breast cancer.  She is done with her 2nd round of Chemo-the 2nd being a different cocktail of meds.  She has been in and out of the hospital and had a small heart attack and has been on oxygen at night.  Yet she was out there almost every morning that she was home, hanging laundry.  She worked and kept a perfect house and took care of her husband and 2 adult sons.  She is always happy.  Now she is in the hospital and has been for well over 2 weeks.  1st dealing with the side effects of chemo.  Then the flu and now pneumonia which has caused a disease or problem with her lungs-which her mom couldn't remember the name of.  And she is on oxygen all the time now.  It is not fair.  Again, I should be there in her place.

It will be interesting to get to Heaven and have it shown or made known to me what good I have caused in the world, who I have helped.

Maybe I am looking forward to Heaven because there will be no more pain.  No more sorrow.  I will get my beautiful voice back and be able to again sing my praises to the Lord.
For now, I will continue to just exist.  Hoping to feel better/normal.  Hoping to get the energy to do the things I should.  The things I want to.  I do know that once I get started.....I can get some things done and yes, I should just turn off the TV, quit smoking, quit ignoring the fact that I have II diabetes, take walks-though without Maggie as she is too obstinate/strong for me to walk.  I want a loving Golden Retriever or a small dog.  But knowing Chuck, any dog would be drawn to him.  Even small children are drawn to him.  Did I ever tell you about the time we were at a program for our grand daughter Meadow when she was little and a small child walked down four people from her parents and sat on Chuck's lap?  The parents were fine with it.  And no.......he doesn't look like Santa Clause.

Not looking for pity or validation of my worth or anything else really.  Just putting my thoughts down on paper here.  Emptying my head so I have more room for more bull-shit thoughts.

At least I showered!

Hm.  Why does that title sound familiar?  Did you know I have 4 more ducks on the wall?  And no, they don't cover all the holes that were either put there by Chuck or existing behind paneling-which I knew and told him were there.  (My late husband had to make due with the money he had so he could only panel over it.) But at least the holes were covered.  I am going to have Nutella and Graham Crackers for dinner.  Yum.  Yes, as a matter of fact it is diet food.  I heard the ad on TV and they can't say anything on TV that isn't true.  (Yeah, I kinda ripped that off.)  The tip of my tongue hurts.  I think I need a spoonful of yogurt.  It is soooo windy.  I put down ice melt as it was sunny today and the driveway is an ice rink and I don''t have my ice skates anymore so then I scraped it but it is all wet and in a couple days it is going to be super cold.  Sadly, I don't miss Maggie.  And yet.....I think I got so used to the biting that I may just bite myself.  I also sprayed my car gaskets so that my doors hopefully won't freeze.  I am going to my daughter's on Sunday.  Wanna do my laundry?  Actually I enjoy doing it and folding but putting it away when there  is to away to put it to?  Depression anyone?  I can't give you all of it but I will share.  Sounds like my son-in-law is going to be put to work in a different position.  He will still be traveling.  Doesn't matter.  As long as he still has a job when they laid off so many.   And my son will be having a CT of his head in one week because of his headaches.  He has to be attuned to anything unusual due to his tumor.  He isn't one for headaches and has been having too many and they are too painful.  Yesterday was the first day he didn't have a headache.  Hope you all have a good weekend.  Peace.

6 hours and 37 minutes left to get the deal done.

Oh.  Did you think I was talking about the fiscal cliff?  Hell no.  I am not so stupid as to think things will ever get better for America.  My deal is with God.  Yeah.  I have given Him 'till midnight to fix me.  I can't do another year like this.  I am so very tired.  So yeah.  I....er wait.  You can't make deals with God.  That's not the way it works.  Well then I will just have to work hard at discovering what He has planned for me.  What my purpose is. 

I must admit I did have a pretty good day today.  Until I got sick of the dog biting me.  Sure I am yummy but really?  You have no idea.  I have never hated an animal.  EVER!  Bats, spiders-I held a tarantula-, birds, squirrels-fed them by hand-,mice, cats, wasps-I put the spray on mist for them when I am watering flowers and they appear,   But I just can't deal with Maggie.  I will give her 6-12 months and then-I told Chuck-he will have to decide between me or her.  I walk her.  I give her treats.  I play with her.  When I am getting ready in the morning and she comes up to the sink to watch, I splash water on my face, then hers.  I brush my hair, then hers.  And I can tell you this much.  Kindness does not work with her.  It doesn't work with people either.  Chuck was gone this morning and so I was able to get laundry done.  When I went to switch them to the dryer.....he was down there.  "There's raw meat on the dryer." he says.  Back upstairs I go.  He stopped and got ham and cream cheese so I could make ham roll-ups.  I go to make them, everything is on the counter and he "unintentionally" gets in my way to grab a beer and some snack..  So I went back outside to smoke.  Came in and was able to finish my laundry.  Started on the ham stuff, taking everything back out of the fridge and there he is again.  Feeding the dog.  I just left everything out and went back out to smoke.  By then I guess I'd had enough and those damn tears tried to get the best of me.  I didn't let them.  Finally came in and got the job done.

So Happy New Year to everyone.  I am prepared.  I know that things won't be better in 2013 but I do know that they will be different.. 

Guess we are possibly going to meet up with Chuck's son and family tomorrow.  Funny how his family can never make decisions.  We saw them Saturday.  Exchanged gift cards and money.  (stupid).  We also saw a movie.  Parental Guidance.  Was really good.  Billy Crystal and Bette Midler.  Can't go wrong there. 

Haven't seen or heard from my daughter except once in the last week or more.  Oh well.  I am sure I will hear from her when Jeremy goes back to work and the next dilemma comes up.  At least I have my son and his family.

The Pit and the Pendulum

This will be a long post so either get your pj's on, knowing you will fall asleep reading it or pass this post up or......pour yourself a drink and keep the bottle nearby. 

I think I should go off the synthyroid because it seems to have cured my depression and so now I get angry instead.  I actually want to hit a wall and throw and break everything!  I am calm but really, really pissed off.  And as you know.....I am a lover, not a fighter.  So many things to talk about.  I am so mad that I am surprised I am not pounding the keyboard here.  Then again, I direct the anger only to whom it should be directed at.  I do not take it out on others.

So it started out to be a pretty good day.  Hunter told me that tomorrow he is going out to "the farm".  Not ours.  To plant and water.  He also said he was going to clean out the garage.  He has done this many times before.  What this entails is....he takes alot of shit out and then puts it all back.  I said, "Oh, are you going to make room for the garage sale stuff?"  He said, " I'm going through and throwing out all the stuff..  Most of it's Daves old stuff. "  I made a comment about Dave's shit.  Dave was my late husband.  I said yeah, we need to get rid of all his shit.  Sarcasm but then he is too dumb to know it.  He said something else but he hates anything that belonged to Dave including the antiques.  Yeah, the good quality stuff.  Asshole!  That's my stuff now.  He was my husband.  He died and what was his was mine.  Yeah, we had a funny marriage like that.  (Remember this for later.)  Can you recall that we are leaving on a 6 hour trip tomorrow?  And he's going to the farm and cleaning out the garage.  Idiot.  No problem though.  He is making me drive the whole way and back even though he's said my driving makes him nervous because I don't drive fast enough.  I usually go about 7 over the speed limit unless I am passing. Then I'll go 10-20 over.  Whatever it takes.  I use cruise control.  Maybe you can help me with something.  You know how he always falls into a dead sleep the minute I take the wheel?  How can he do that if I am such a terrible driver?  See, he always get into a really bad mood whenever we are going somewhere-my therapist says he suffers from anxiety- and it usually only lasts until we are packed and about a mile from home.  I can already envision how mad he will be that we won't get there in time.  He will get involved in the farm and or the garage stuff and then expect me to drive 90 miles and hour.  I can easily do that you know.  I suppose I am due to get a ticket.  I have only gotten one in my lifetime.  I won't explain but I would do the same thing over again the same way.

Garage sale?  He asked what I needed done.  I told him and now he's changed his mind about which tables to get rid of.  He wants to keep the old one that was his grandmothers.  I respect that but his decision is completely different from what he said before.  And he wants to put it in our bedroom-with the chairs that belong to it-and put in place of the antique ironing table that has his stuff on it and also our main lamp for that room.  I will keep the table and use it downstairs.  So it ends up that we will only be getting rid of one table.  Then I notice a bunch of plaster pebbles and crap on top of the tote that I had stickers and other garage sale stuff on.  I asked him about it today.  He said, "Oh, that must have been from when I took down the plastic and the wood I put up there when I removed the chimney."  Remember when he took down an interior chimney for no reason leaving that hole in the floor/ceiling depending on what level you are on.  He had also thrown on of his deer skulls in the back of my car leaving bone shards and fragments all over everything in there including a beautiful throw I keep in there for warmth just in case.  No apology.  Apparently the word is not in his vocabulary.  I would fucking die if he ever uttered that word. 

Lets just skip through here to the drive home from the ballgame.  Somehow we got to talking about death and money and our wills.  Now his son-the one who doesn't visit or call unless he needs something-not only is in charge of all the money and finances which could come into play if Hunter becomes incapacitated.  But he is co-executor of his will.  How does that work?  I'm sure I will die first and will probably change my will too or my piano, antiques and everything else belonging to me will be tossed in a dumpster.  Wonder if it is just coincidence that his real name rhymes with fuck?..!  He discusses all this like it should make sense to me. REALLY?  Ya think? 

And yup...still the same day....he says he and Don are going to be rebuilding and painting the porch out front.  And possibly putting up the walls of the closet upstairs in the computer room.  He tore it down -for no reason- and is putting it back up exactly the same way it was this weekend.  Stupid, stupid man.  He had bought bi-fold doors for it even though I wanted to hang a curtain rod about 5" higher and about 10" wider than the closet opening and have a grommeted curtain covering it. Would work out perfectly.  Oh, no.  That wouldn't do at all.  He says he wants it to be left open.  Like.....nothing covering the front of the closet ?  Am I the only one who doesn't get that?  I repeated that I'd like to put a curtain up to keep any dust out.  He said I'd just have to keep the house clean.  Remember the plaster mess?  Yeah, that's gonna work.  And I am also to paint the inside of the closet before they do that.  Think I would be able to stay awake 24/7, and move all the heavy stuff and do everything plus whatever other jobs he tells me to do?

I am so sick of it.  Except that I don't feel sick to my stomach or depressed or any of my usual feelings.  I AM JUST SO PISSED!!!!!  I am also mad at myself for staying.  Why do I always love the wrong people?  Perhaps I will tell him to put me through college -so I can get a good paying job so I can afford to leave him which I wouldn't tell him, of course. 

Oh.  And this is too funny.  He says it is all because of the time I ran off  "with your boyfriend or whatever and I didn't know where you were and you took all the money out of our tax account."  Ok.  It was my paycheck.  All my money went into a savings account.  It's not like I could have or spend any of it.  I did not take any of our money which again is the wrong phrasing as you know that everything that is mine is his and everything that is ours is his -well ok, there is no "our", in fact there is no "us" or "we" and everything that is his is his.  I corrected him of this business of my having "left him."  He kicked me out!  I gave him my cell phone, my credit card and the insurance cards since he is the one who carries the insurance.  I also left him all the cash and coin I had.  Geez.  There must have been at least $5 or $6 there.  He was gone long enough that when he got home from work, I was already gone.  Why would he care where I was?  He didn't want me.  So......  I warned my son about the situation so he wouldn't be worried.  Then I had a contact that I was able to send information to so she could let my friend know that I was ok.  No one knew where I was.  Can I just tell you that was probably the most peace I have felt in a long time.?  I was gone about 5 days.  While I was gone I did alot of praying and just breathing freely.  God told me to go home so I did.  (I had been trying to figure out what to do with my life.  What to do about my marriage.)  He never said a word.  I found out that while I was gone he called everybody and no one could tell him where I was because as I said, no one knew.  He was livid and said he was going to put out an APB or whatever on me.  Report me as missing.  He was angry, not concerned.  Finally when he was giving me a list of things he and or I needed to do,.......about 7th on the list was, "Oh yeah.  And we need to figure out what we are going to do about our marriage".  Mind you, this was several days later and the other "chores"  are more important than our marriage?

Whew!!!!  Thanks guys.  I needed that.  Keep your eyes peeled for an associated press release about a woman who killed her husband and that she won't be serving any jail time because he deserved it!

I don't want to play today.

I just don't want to be a part of life today. It seems like too much effort. I hate to grocery shop. I'm doing laundry but don't want to. Nothing bad is happening to warrant my feelings. I just want to sleep to escape. I did sleep good last night. So,...what's the deal? I have a good life yet my moods are random and seemingly out of my control. Sometimes I wonder who lives inside me. It is not the me I think I am. I know I don't show on the outside who I am on the inside. It's not that I am a poser. I am open and honest and yet,.... Why the depression and/or lack of interest. I don't want to clean. I don't even want to read a book or watch TV. Or shop for fun. I just don't want to play today.