Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Pit and the Pendulum

This will be a long post so either get your pj's on, knowing you will fall asleep reading it or pass this post up or......pour yourself a drink and keep the bottle nearby. 

I think I should go off the synthyroid because it seems to have cured my depression and so now I get angry instead.  I actually want to hit a wall and throw and break everything!  I am calm but really, really pissed off.  And as you know.....I am a lover, not a fighter.  So many things to talk about.  I am so mad that I am surprised I am not pounding the keyboard here.  Then again, I direct the anger only to whom it should be directed at.  I do not take it out on others.

So it started out to be a pretty good day.  Hunter told me that tomorrow he is going out to "the farm".  Not ours.  To plant and water.  He also said he was going to clean out the garage.  He has done this many times before.  What this entails is....he takes alot of shit out and then puts it all back.  I said, "Oh, are you going to make room for the garage sale stuff?"  He said, " I'm going through and throwing out all the stuff..  Most of it's Daves old stuff. "  I made a comment about Dave's shit.  Dave was my late husband.  I said yeah, we need to get rid of all his shit.  Sarcasm but then he is too dumb to know it.  He said something else but he hates anything that belonged to Dave including the antiques.  Yeah, the good quality stuff.  Asshole!  That's my stuff now.  He was my husband.  He died and what was his was mine.  Yeah, we had a funny marriage like that.  (Remember this for later.)  Can you recall that we are leaving on a 6 hour trip tomorrow?  And he's going to the farm and cleaning out the garage.  Idiot.  No problem though.  He is making me drive the whole way and back even though he's said my driving makes him nervous because I don't drive fast enough.  I usually go about 7 over the speed limit unless I am passing. Then I'll go 10-20 over.  Whatever it takes.  I use cruise control.  Maybe you can help me with something.  You know how he always falls into a dead sleep the minute I take the wheel?  How can he do that if I am such a terrible driver?  See, he always get into a really bad mood whenever we are going somewhere-my therapist says he suffers from anxiety- and it usually only lasts until we are packed and about a mile from home.  I can already envision how mad he will be that we won't get there in time.  He will get involved in the farm and or the garage stuff and then expect me to drive 90 miles and hour.  I can easily do that you know.  I suppose I am due to get a ticket.  I have only gotten one in my lifetime.  I won't explain but I would do the same thing over again the same way.

Garage sale?  He asked what I needed done.  I told him and now he's changed his mind about which tables to get rid of.  He wants to keep the old one that was his grandmothers.  I respect that but his decision is completely different from what he said before.  And he wants to put it in our bedroom-with the chairs that belong to it-and put in place of the antique ironing table that has his stuff on it and also our main lamp for that room.  I will keep the table and use it downstairs.  So it ends up that we will only be getting rid of one table.  Then I notice a bunch of plaster pebbles and crap on top of the tote that I had stickers and other garage sale stuff on.  I asked him about it today.  He said, "Oh, that must have been from when I took down the plastic and the wood I put up there when I removed the chimney."  Remember when he took down an interior chimney for no reason leaving that hole in the floor/ceiling depending on what level you are on.  He had also thrown on of his deer skulls in the back of my car leaving bone shards and fragments all over everything in there including a beautiful throw I keep in there for warmth just in case.  No apology.  Apparently the word is not in his vocabulary.  I would fucking die if he ever uttered that word. 

Lets just skip through here to the drive home from the ballgame.  Somehow we got to talking about death and money and our wills.  Now his son-the one who doesn't visit or call unless he needs something-not only is in charge of all the money and finances which could come into play if Hunter becomes incapacitated.  But he is co-executor of his will.  How does that work?  I'm sure I will die first and will probably change my will too or my piano, antiques and everything else belonging to me will be tossed in a dumpster.  Wonder if it is just coincidence that his real name rhymes with fuck?..!  He discusses all this like it should make sense to me. REALLY?  Ya think? 

And yup...still the same day....he says he and Don are going to be rebuilding and painting the porch out front.  And possibly putting up the walls of the closet upstairs in the computer room.  He tore it down -for no reason- and is putting it back up exactly the same way it was this weekend.  Stupid, stupid man.  He had bought bi-fold doors for it even though I wanted to hang a curtain rod about 5" higher and about 10" wider than the closet opening and have a grommeted curtain covering it. Would work out perfectly.  Oh, no.  That wouldn't do at all.  He says he wants it to be left open.  Like.....nothing covering the front of the closet ?  Am I the only one who doesn't get that?  I repeated that I'd like to put a curtain up to keep any dust out.  He said I'd just have to keep the house clean.  Remember the plaster mess?  Yeah, that's gonna work.  And I am also to paint the inside of the closet before they do that.  Think I would be able to stay awake 24/7, and move all the heavy stuff and do everything plus whatever other jobs he tells me to do?

I am so sick of it.  Except that I don't feel sick to my stomach or depressed or any of my usual feelings.  I AM JUST SO PISSED!!!!!  I am also mad at myself for staying.  Why do I always love the wrong people?  Perhaps I will tell him to put me through college -so I can get a good paying job so I can afford to leave him which I wouldn't tell him, of course. 

Oh.  And this is too funny.  He says it is all because of the time I ran off  "with your boyfriend or whatever and I didn't know where you were and you took all the money out of our tax account."  Ok.  It was my paycheck.  All my money went into a savings account.  It's not like I could have or spend any of it.  I did not take any of our money which again is the wrong phrasing as you know that everything that is mine is his and everything that is ours is his -well ok, there is no "our", in fact there is no "us" or "we" and everything that is his is his.  I corrected him of this business of my having "left him."  He kicked me out!  I gave him my cell phone, my credit card and the insurance cards since he is the one who carries the insurance.  I also left him all the cash and coin I had.  Geez.  There must have been at least $5 or $6 there.  He was gone long enough that when he got home from work, I was already gone.  Why would he care where I was?  He didn't want me.  So......  I warned my son about the situation so he wouldn't be worried.  Then I had a contact that I was able to send information to so she could let my friend know that I was ok.  No one knew where I was.  Can I just tell you that was probably the most peace I have felt in a long time.?  I was gone about 5 days.  While I was gone I did alot of praying and just breathing freely.  God told me to go home so I did.  (I had been trying to figure out what to do with my life.  What to do about my marriage.)  He never said a word.  I found out that while I was gone he called everybody and no one could tell him where I was because as I said, no one knew.  He was livid and said he was going to put out an APB or whatever on me.  Report me as missing.  He was angry, not concerned.  Finally when he was giving me a list of things he and or I needed to do,.......about 7th on the list was, "Oh yeah.  And we need to figure out what we are going to do about our marriage".  Mind you, this was several days later and the other "chores"  are more important than our marriage?

Whew!!!!  Thanks guys.  I needed that.  Keep your eyes peeled for an associated press release about a woman who killed her husband and that she won't be serving any jail time because he deserved it!


Coffeypot said...

You know you can take you will and make an attorney your executor with the stipulation that NOTHING that is yours can be thrown away. If you want something specific done with your stuff, i.e. sold or give to a specific person, put it in the will. Hunter won't be able to do anything with it. But you will have to list everything that is yours so there will be no dispute. And as long as you are mad, make Hunter do the same thing with his will...have an attorney do the executor thing and keep his son out of it. Force him to do it.

Just Be Real said...

Sorry dear for your frustrations. Sometimes stuff in life are not always that listening.....

Olive said...

Joe has kids who would gladly throw all my stuff out too. We will be keeping his grandchildren for three weeks and one of the moms does not speak to us. Just to let you know we got plenty of dysfunction going on . I just do not talk about his crazy kiddos. I dropped in to tell you I finished the hunger games trilogy and boy do I see why you love them. The ending blew me away. I really like them much better than Harry Potter. hang in there, olive

Rob-bear said...

This is just so very sad. I could almost sit here and cry for you. He's got even less sense that I have (and I'm a Bear!).

The good thing is that you have moved from depression (sometimes called "frozen rage") to anger. I think that might be helpful. Anger will move you faster than depression will. As long as you've got a good friend who can keep you from going over the top, and doing something like a Loreena Bobbit on your husband (even if he desires it).

Blessings and Bear hugs.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

I hear you...LOUD AND CLEAR!
Love and Hate close they are. sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Gnetch said...

It's okay to be angry sometimes. It makes us human. I'm so sorry about what's been happening. Just know that your internet friends are always here to listen to you rant (or read your rants).

Also, *internet hug*

lotta joy said...

If you haven't read my six posts regarding abuse, DO IT NOW. Do not blame the synthyroid. We never put the blame where it truly belongs because then, we'd have to DO SOMETHING about it.

You can stew in your own juices and he can relax by not giving a shit. Who will come out the winner? The one who cares the least.

Once you TRULY stop caring about anything OTHER than YOURSELF, you will find your backbone of steel.

You don't have to kill him to win. Just beat the shit out of him and step over the blood on your way out.

Unknown said...

Oh my. Maybe Hunter and my hubs can go on a fishing trip....and never come home.

AiringMyLaundry said...

Oh man, I'm sorry.

Go get some chocolate.

Or booze.