Saturday, January 19, 2013

Shadowed Sunlight.

Depression = messy house=depression=messy house= depression=me.
If I would just turn off the TV (though I have 3 weeks to watch it as Chuck is gone) I could put on the music and wouldn't have any choice but to clea........WAIT!  I could read and play the piano and paint - not the walls.  Those would have to be sand blasted.

And can you read my mind?  Yes indeed.  It is saying, "Next week. You have next week"  But next week my brain will again tell me that I still have the week after and then all of a sudden it will be the day before or even the day of his return. 

Please don't thing I am not aware of how lazy I am.  Lazy with a capital L and that stands for middLechiLd. 
Perhaps I do have low self-esteem though I know I have a good heart.  I know that God loves me beyond all reason.  However.....I feel that my late husband should have lived.  I would have gladly given my life for his because he was so vital and helpful to friends and strangers.  He was happy and laughed and he was so grateful.  My next door neighbor is 50 or so.  She is fighting a big fucking battle against stage 2 breast cancer.  She is done with her 2nd round of Chemo-the 2nd being a different cocktail of meds.  She has been in and out of the hospital and had a small heart attack and has been on oxygen at night.  Yet she was out there almost every morning that she was home, hanging laundry.  She worked and kept a perfect house and took care of her husband and 2 adult sons.  She is always happy.  Now she is in the hospital and has been for well over 2 weeks.  1st dealing with the side effects of chemo.  Then the flu and now pneumonia which has caused a disease or problem with her lungs-which her mom couldn't remember the name of.  And she is on oxygen all the time now.  It is not fair.  Again, I should be there in her place.

It will be interesting to get to Heaven and have it shown or made known to me what good I have caused in the world, who I have helped.

Maybe I am looking forward to Heaven because there will be no more pain.  No more sorrow.  I will get my beautiful voice back and be able to again sing my praises to the Lord.
For now, I will continue to just exist.  Hoping to feel better/normal.  Hoping to get the energy to do the things I should.  The things I want to.  I do know that once I get started.....I can get some things done and yes, I should just turn off the TV, quit smoking, quit ignoring the fact that I have II diabetes, take walks-though without Maggie as she is too obstinate/strong for me to walk.  I want a loving Golden Retriever or a small dog.  But knowing Chuck, any dog would be drawn to him.  Even small children are drawn to him.  Did I ever tell you about the time we were at a program for our grand daughter Meadow when she was little and a small child walked down four people from her parents and sat on Chuck's lap?  The parents were fine with it.  And no.......he doesn't look like Santa Clause.

Not looking for pity or validation of my worth or anything else really.  Just putting my thoughts down on paper here.  Emptying my head so I have more room for more bull-shit thoughts.


Outcast said...

Don't be silly Middle Child, you should be in nobodies place! It is a shame, a terrible shame that your first husband died but what you believe in teaches that when it's your time to go it's your time to go and it wasn't your time to go then and it still won't be for a long time to come. You are your own wonderful person who you know God loves with all his heart, no less than he loved your first husband or your neighbour, you deserve to be alive Middle Child!

I have faith that eventually you will get around to the cleaning when you get bored but even if you don't there's no harm caused by that, it doesn't make you any less of a person at all. Stay well Middle Child.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

THIS too...will pass!
You will come out stronger and better.
THIS , I know to be true!

Kristy said...

You sound very depressed. I can relate to not having any energy and getting nothing done when I'm in the midst of depression. It really colors how we see things also. Be easy on yourself as you won't always be depressed.

Sue said...

I hope that you will someday find yourself happy and healthy once again. I don't personally know what it is to be depressed- but I can only imagine it to be hell. And don't worry about the cleaning- it's over-rated. I only do it to impress company into thinking I'm perfect....

LuLu said...

They say there's a plan for everyone. Including you and me. Take care,

Breakfast After 10

momto8 said...

I too wonder many many times about Gods plan for my own life. I just say over and over and over , "Jesus I trust in you..Jesus I trust in you.." I say it so many times I start to believe it then I start to live's really all there is that matters...

bj said...

Dear Heart...
I swear I never have the right words for you when I read a post like this. I don't want you to feel this way, Middle. I just always wish I could say something really AWESOME to make you feel better instantly but I never know what to say.
I just love have such a cute personality and it makes me sad to have a friend that is so unhappy.
I hope you and the grand have a delightful time when she comes over. You know, when they get to be teenagers, I am always thrilled if they just SMILE at me...when I get a big hug, I nearly faint with delight. :))
O, what a silly old grandma I am.:)
Did you know that I turned 75 years old on New Year's Eve.? Well, I sure did...yes, ma'am...
and I am in good health and so blessed I don't know what to do.
If I lived close, I'd come over, help you paint those walls and then...we'd go have a glass of wine and go to the movies. Of course, I HAVE to see something with Johnny Depp in you have a fav star?
Gotta go get in bed with a snack and watch tv for awhile.
Take care...please.
xo bj

Rob-bear said...

Hoping to feel normal and have some energy. Are you sure you're not living in the same place as I am? Actually you are, though we are separated by some geography.

"Never do today what can be put off until tomorrow, specially if there is a chance someone else will do it tomorrow." But, in your case, I doubt there is much chance. Sadly.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Kelly said...

It seems to me what you're feeling is normal. I've sometimes wished I was in Heaven in order to stop the pain, as well. I guess God knows when your time is up- but not you. I'e often wondered how I've helped anyone in the world. I think you have helped people in the world, at the very least, by sharing your personal stories and even though you seem to be going through hell on Earth fairly often these days, you still show the strength you have inside you to carry on. I think that's the real message you convey on your blog. And I'm sure it has helped people out, in the past, knowing that they can get through their battles with depression and more, as well, just by reading your blog.

Take care, Middle Child

Comeca Jones said...

If for nothing else have a desire to stay right whereu are and what of meadow she needs you.