Depression = messy house=depression=messy house= depression=me.
If I would just turn off the TV (though I have 3 weeks to watch it as Chuck is gone) I could put on the music and wouldn't have any choice but to clea........WAIT! I could read and play the piano and paint - not the walls. Those would have to be sand blasted.
And can you read my mind? Yes indeed. It is saying, "Next week. You have next week" But next week my brain will again tell me that I still have the week after and then all of a sudden it will be the day before or even the day of his return.
Please don't thing I am not aware of how lazy I am. Lazy with a capital L and that stands for middLechiLd.
Perhaps I do have low self-esteem though I know I have a good heart. I know that God loves me beyond all reason. However.....I feel that my late husband should have lived. I would have gladly given my life for his because he was so vital and helpful to friends and strangers. He was happy and laughed and he was so grateful. My next door neighbor is 50 or so. She is fighting a big fucking battle against stage 2 breast cancer. She is done with her 2nd round of Chemo-the 2nd being a different cocktail of meds. She has been in and out of the hospital and had a small heart attack and has been on oxygen at night. Yet she was out there almost every morning that she was home, hanging laundry. She worked and kept a perfect house and took care of her husband and 2 adult sons. She is always happy. Now she is in the hospital and has been for well over 2 weeks. 1st dealing with the side effects of chemo. Then the flu and now pneumonia which has caused a disease or problem with her lungs-which her mom couldn't remember the name of. And she is on oxygen all the time now. It is not fair. Again, I should be there in her place.
It will be interesting to get to Heaven and have it shown or made known to me what good I have caused in the world, who I have helped.
Maybe I am looking forward to Heaven because there will be no more pain. No more sorrow. I will get my beautiful voice back and be able to again sing my praises to the Lord.
For now, I will continue to just exist. Hoping to feel better/normal. Hoping to get the energy to do the things I should. The things I want to. I do know that once I get started.....I can get some things done and yes, I should just turn off the TV, quit smoking, quit ignoring the fact that I have II diabetes, take walks-though without Maggie as she is too obstinate/strong for me to walk. I want a loving Golden Retriever or a small dog. But knowing Chuck, any dog would be drawn to him. Even small children are drawn to him. Did I ever tell you about the time we were at a program for our grand daughter Meadow when she was little and a small child walked down four people from her parents and sat on Chuck's lap? The parents were fine with it. And no.......he doesn't look like Santa Clause.
Not looking for pity or validation of my worth or anything else really. Just putting my thoughts down on paper here. Emptying my head so I have more room for more bull-shit thoughts.