Shadowed Sunlight.

Depression = messy house=depression=messy house= depression=me.
If I would just turn off the TV (though I have 3 weeks to watch it as Chuck is gone) I could put on the music and wouldn't have any choice but to clea........WAIT!  I could read and play the piano and paint - not the walls.  Those would have to be sand blasted.

And can you read my mind?  Yes indeed.  It is saying, "Next week. You have next week"  But next week my brain will again tell me that I still have the week after and then all of a sudden it will be the day before or even the day of his return. 

Please don't thing I am not aware of how lazy I am.  Lazy with a capital L and that stands for middLechiLd. 
Perhaps I do have low self-esteem though I know I have a good heart.  I know that God loves me beyond all reason.  However.....I feel that my late husband should have lived.  I would have gladly given my life for his because he was so vital and helpful to friends and strangers.  He was happy and laughed and he was so grateful.  My next door neighbor is 50 or so.  She is fighting a big fucking battle against stage 2 breast cancer.  She is done with her 2nd round of Chemo-the 2nd being a different cocktail of meds.  She has been in and out of the hospital and had a small heart attack and has been on oxygen at night.  Yet she was out there almost every morning that she was home, hanging laundry.  She worked and kept a perfect house and took care of her husband and 2 adult sons.  She is always happy.  Now she is in the hospital and has been for well over 2 weeks.  1st dealing with the side effects of chemo.  Then the flu and now pneumonia which has caused a disease or problem with her lungs-which her mom couldn't remember the name of.  And she is on oxygen all the time now.  It is not fair.  Again, I should be there in her place.

It will be interesting to get to Heaven and have it shown or made known to me what good I have caused in the world, who I have helped.

Maybe I am looking forward to Heaven because there will be no more pain.  No more sorrow.  I will get my beautiful voice back and be able to again sing my praises to the Lord.
For now, I will continue to just exist.  Hoping to feel better/normal.  Hoping to get the energy to do the things I should.  The things I want to.  I do know that once I get started.....I can get some things done and yes, I should just turn off the TV, quit smoking, quit ignoring the fact that I have II diabetes, take walks-though without Maggie as she is too obstinate/strong for me to walk.  I want a loving Golden Retriever or a small dog.  But knowing Chuck, any dog would be drawn to him.  Even small children are drawn to him.  Did I ever tell you about the time we were at a program for our grand daughter Meadow when she was little and a small child walked down four people from her parents and sat on Chuck's lap?  The parents were fine with it.  And no.......he doesn't look like Santa Clause.

Not looking for pity or validation of my worth or anything else really.  Just putting my thoughts down on paper here.  Emptying my head so I have more room for more bull-shit thoughts.

6 hours and 37 minutes left to get the deal done.

Oh.  Did you think I was talking about the fiscal cliff?  Hell no.  I am not so stupid as to think things will ever get better for America.  My deal is with God.  Yeah.  I have given Him 'till midnight to fix me.  I can't do another year like this.  I am so very tired.  So yeah.  I....er wait.  You can't make deals with God.  That's not the way it works.  Well then I will just have to work hard at discovering what He has planned for me.  What my purpose is. 

I must admit I did have a pretty good day today.  Until I got sick of the dog biting me.  Sure I am yummy but really?  You have no idea.  I have never hated an animal.  EVER!  Bats, spiders-I held a tarantula-, birds, squirrels-fed them by hand-,mice, cats, wasps-I put the spray on mist for them when I am watering flowers and they appear,   But I just can't deal with Maggie.  I will give her 6-12 months and then-I told Chuck-he will have to decide between me or her.  I walk her.  I give her treats.  I play with her.  When I am getting ready in the morning and she comes up to the sink to watch, I splash water on my face, then hers.  I brush my hair, then hers.  And I can tell you this much.  Kindness does not work with her.  It doesn't work with people either.  Chuck was gone this morning and so I was able to get laundry done.  When I went to switch them to the dryer.....he was down there.  "There's raw meat on the dryer." he says.  Back upstairs I go.  He stopped and got ham and cream cheese so I could make ham roll-ups.  I go to make them, everything is on the counter and he "unintentionally" gets in my way to grab a beer and some snack..  So I went back outside to smoke.  Came in and was able to finish my laundry.  Started on the ham stuff, taking everything back out of the fridge and there he is again.  Feeding the dog.  I just left everything out and went back out to smoke.  By then I guess I'd had enough and those damn tears tried to get the best of me.  I didn't let them.  Finally came in and got the job done.

So Happy New Year to everyone.  I am prepared.  I know that things won't be better in 2013 but I do know that they will be different.. 

Guess we are possibly going to meet up with Chuck's son and family tomorrow.  Funny how his family can never make decisions.  We saw them Saturday.  Exchanged gift cards and money.  (stupid).  We also saw a movie.  Parental Guidance.  Was really good.  Billy Crystal and Bette Midler.  Can't go wrong there. 

Haven't seen or heard from my daughter except once in the last week or more.  Oh well.  I am sure I will hear from her when Jeremy goes back to work and the next dilemma comes up.  At least I have my son and his family.