LICK THIS!

Just wanted to see if you're paying attention.  Damn global warming.  Hm,.....probably has something to do with obama care.  That's obama with a lower case o.

Well I have become a real cry-baby.  No.  I'm talking tears.  It's so stupid.  At group I usually cry off and on through the first third of it.  Seriously though.  I didn't even cry when I fell on the ice.  I did let out a resounding "Shit!" but other than that....Anyway, first they added Abilify.  Now I also start taking Welbutrin.  I start tomorrow.  I stupidly read the pamphlet.  And so now I hope I at least get to have the hallucinations before I commit suicide. I don't know how quickly this gets into your system but Hunter leaves 3 days from now and I kinda want him to be here.  Just in case.
I think I may call the Guinness Book of World Records.  I think I may have become the first person to take 10 + 1 pills every morning plus an inhaler without really having anything wrong with me.  You know what I mean.

Tomorrow we go pick up a friend's dog (Ace) - the dog's name, not the guy's - and will be "babysitting" him until Hunter leaves Monday, taking both Ace and our dog Maggie with him to Texas.  Hunter said Ace is kind of destructive as in I will need to pick up 10,000 things and get them out of the kitchen.

What else.  Oh, I spent New Year's eve and day with my daughter Dawn and her kids.  She knew it would be tough without her husband there and all that's going on between them.  And she also hit her personal best in self-harm. 2-3" cuts from wrists to inside elbow.  Nothing I say can get her to seek the help she needs.  But I think she is getting close.  She knows she needs help but is afraid her husband can take the kids away.  I also found out she has been cutting and stuff since 8th grade.  How could I not know that??????  and i wonder why i cry. 

I'd love to bitch about the impossibly cold weather but I know others are having it worse.  I'm talking to you Minnesota!  Sara, I hope your hubby bought you a fur coat!

Be well. 

One word that will stun everyone in the bar to silence.

At the VFW for rib eye.  Hunter likes to go and tries to chat up anyone that will listen.  So he is talking to our friend and I hear him say,....wrinkly LABIA .  WTF!!!!!  Everyone went silent and stared at him.

Speaking of romance.....we didn't go out on our Anniversary/Valentines day.  He suggested we go Saturday and asked where I wanted to go.  I said Olive Garden but I know he doesn't like it.  So...as we had talked previously...we would go to a nice Italian restaurant that we'd gone to once before.  Then he's like.....How about 1776 - a restaurant we haven't eaten at but I grabbed a menu once and it looks like a great place to eat.  So I said OK.  Next thing he is asking if a married couple we know could come with us.  Valentines Day.  Romance.  Anniversary.  What am I not understanding here?

How to use a snow blower:  Show the wife how to start it (lots more to starting it than our last one.)  Tell her.  Then have her do it.  Then yell at her when she asks what the second to the last step was.  And yell at her like she is 5.  On the bright side?  At least it wasn't too cold.  The tears didn't freeze on my cheek.

And so often during the day I want to write another thing down on this blog.  But by the time I get to using the computer...I am usually just wanting to escape.  It's like my day's seem so shitty to me that I really don't care too much.

I can't explain how I feel.  I am not physically abused.  I am not sexually abused.  I thought I was verbally abused - after all, once he called me a knee and I had to ask him what that meant - it means lower than a cunt.  Fuck-it.  It's just not worth it.  My therapist says it is emotional abuse.

I know I should leave.  I have no money to go anywhere.  Either one of my kids would have me but they are financially unstable.  I could sell my house that was fully paid for in 1988 but that now has a mortgage that is equal to the amount my house is worth now. 

I could.  I would.  I should.
Not looking for pity here.  I am the fool.  I know that.

Reduce My Meds?

Hell no!  Not until I reduce my marital status.  Hunter has me in tears.  $28 a week allowance.  Do you hear me?  I said ALLOWANCE!!!!!  I am sick of this.  And now he's telling me what I can and can't buy with it?  Asshole.  I was doing so well.

Perhaps the following are contributing factors in my ...whatever you call it.  (my chest is hurting)  He paid all that money for dinner with his kids but won't even pay for my grand kids to eat with us at Dave and Busters.  Fucker.  BTW, I consider all the grands our grand kids but he has made it clear to me that blood determines who is family.  I said, "Hmm.  I am not blood so what does that make me?"  He said, "My wife."  Sooooo, I am not blood and I guess that is why his son (uncaring leach) is on all our accts and will be made co-executor of his will and alot of money is already in his name along with Hunter's.
He is not going to grandson Josh's birthday party with me.  He doesn't  feel well.  Yup.  This is the same man who was at the taxidermy shop this morning offering to help his "lover" Jerome put down visqueen-however you spell it, let's just call it plastic-in some one's crawl space.  ( feel like I could just puke.)
And then there's jury duty.  I was summoned for my birthday week.  I am freaked that I was summoned at all!  I knew I shouldn't have registered to vote.  Our votes don't matter anyway.
Hunter is always complaining about his kids and how he isn't going and isn't paying and he always does whatever they say anyway.  My point being,....either man-up or stop complaining.  At least stop complaining to me!!!!  Asshole.
The dog thing?  Those little labs aren't really recognized as a real breed by most and they have alot of bone problems.  Doesn't matter.  Hunter will get and do whatever he wants.  I will have no say, as always.  (getting a headache)
Did I mention that he is on the phone talking badly about me to his son...unaware that I can hear him? Bastard!

I am nothing.  I am no one.  Waaaah! Waaaah!  Cry like a baby Middlechild. What a pussy.  I am sick of him.  I am sick of me.  I am sick of life.  "Pity party of one.....your table is ready."

What a difference a day makes......