m.i.a.

Chuck is home from hunting.  He got home late Monday night after 3 weeks in Texas and Missouri.  Two days after getting home he went hunting for the day in Wisconsin.  His hunting gear is all over the house, on top of the washer and dryer, in the kitchen, the bed. 
He is two people at once, everyday.  He is not present here.  He is alternately angry, nice, crabby and far away.  I hear him talking to people on the phone about re-mortgaging the house again-the house that was paid off in 1988 when it was mine.  No, I am not 107 years old.  My 2nd husband had mortgage insurance that paid off the house in case he died.  He talks to people about our upcoming vacation.  The one we were going to skip this year and use the money to fix up the house instead.  Or we would take an "us" vacation.  Doing things alone together including visiting his son's family.   Can I just mention here that he has never been to Nevada to see my son's family.?  I hear him on the phone talking about going hunting here and there along the way, about visiting different people he knows from here that are down in Florida.  He can see them anytime at home.  That is not the vacation I have in mind and we had discussed this.  He has been very controlling and was mean to the dog.  Just hearing her cry when he does this twisting/pulling on her ear, it instantly makes me cry.  Yelling and putting me down about not finding some insurance thing he needs to send in for his car plate renewal....something we have never had to do before.  He yelled that I was stupid and that the directions were RIGHT HERE!  Yeah, on the back of the slip he had to send back with the check.  Did I mention the place to write the numbers down-no instructions attached as he did something with them......they were written in ghost ink.  Faint.  No, very faint.  Could hardly read them.  Then it's an, "Oh can I help you with that?" or the sweety and honey stuff.  His moods change instantaneously.
I am talking a gamut of things cycling every 5-20 minutes.  How do I keep up with that?  It can't be bi-polar.  It can't be tourettes.  What the hell is it?  Hunting withdrawal?
So that's why I haven't posted I guess.  Plus, whenever I am up here, he mysteriously appears as though he is checking on me.
I have been grinding my teeth and having headaches and nausea and a fluttering in my chest.
I will get to reading posts when I can.  I love to read posts. 
Peace.

Finally...a touch of elegance, and I don't mean Hunter's toenails.

Tomorrow Hunter has an appt. with his podiatrist.  He hasn't been doing what the sheet from the doctor says to do.  (as I also have told him)  At first he did what he was supposed to.  Then I started to do what we were supposed to do.  Then it became that I wasn't wrapping them the right way.  He wanted the tape seam to be in the front or back....I can't recall except that I wasn't doing it right.  You know...I am not even going to get into this.  My point is that I wish I could go to his appt. with him.  I bet you the 3 dollars I have in my purse that somehow he is going to blame me.  Well actually, the new me doesn't give a shit.
I can't be there cuz I have a mammogram with possible ultra-sound.  Is it weird that I find an ulra-sound very soothing?

I have begun to work on making some semblance of order out of the chaos that is my  "home."  I can't continue thinking that Hunter will ever make the repairs he intended to do.  He has a plan, in fact juggles several at a time, but while he destructs in anticipation of "rebuilding", he gets sidetracked into tearing apart something else and that is how it goes.  Now it seems to have come to a screeching halt.  It is either the fact that his health is getting worse-though oddly it doesn't seem to get in the way of his doing things for others-or he has lost interest or feels defeated.  Doesn't matter.  I have to accept it and get on with my life.  So I am going with what I have and arranging it as I can.  If  it means giving up on the built-in bookcases I was supposed to get and putting two old bookcases against the 2  panels  of sheet rock that are against the wall waiting to be used as intended....then that is what I will do!  If it means putting books back on the standard and brackets "bookcases" in the other room-yeah, the one he had me clear off when we had the pod that we filled so he could do the work in the house-I will do it.  My piano is black lacquer and so I thought I would do that room all black and white with accents of red.  My plans are not to be so I will do what I can.  I had curtain that are white with black chandeliers and other elegant designs on it.  I hung those today and I can totally see how gorgeous it could have been.  But.....I will do what I can.  I will do what I can.  I will do what I can and be satisfied.
I promise I will get some pictures up so you can see that I do not exaggerate.  SARA, MY LAMB WHORE LEADER uses the term "Ghetto" to describe certain rooms in her house.  I can see that it totally describes every room in my house.
With Hunter being gone a few weeks in Oct. and all of Novenber, I could paint all of the walls which for some reason he won't let me do.  And I know I could do the plaster repair except the holes (and I use the term lightly) are bigger than my ass.  Waaaaaaayyyyy bigger!!!!!!  The best I can hope for is to perhaps glue some fabric over them.  Hanging mirrors or pictures won't work because some of these are up to the ceiling and.......Hey!  Maybe I could do some type of painting to make it look like an old-world building interior.  My mom was an artist.  Damn!  My dead mom is never around when I need her!
Oh well.  If you can't tell...this actually was an upbeat post.  Yay me!