I'm nobodie's favorite anything.

And that sets the tone for a post you probably don't want to read.  I wouldn't want to read it because it's stupid and just the way I feel.  Guess that means some of it isn't really true but......the words gotta come out. So.....

WARNING!  This post contains nothing but sad stupid feelings.  Turn the page and read someone else's good post.

I wake up to phone call and messages.  The kids stopped to visit a bit with my sister who lives in Colorado.  Everyone is in love with both my sister and Colorado.  They want me to e-mail all her birthday and anniversary info.  They talked about spending a month there next year and about my sister spending a month at their place and snowboarding and on and on.  Bev (my sister-not the evil one) is a talker and a doer.  She is mostly serious and adult .  She has done such exciting things and continues to do them.  She gets mad instead of  depressed like me.   She was a ballerina, herded cattle, sings, plays some piano. She works at a ski club, is a personal trainer, climbs mountains, creates elaborate meals, was a life guard, is very active in her church, she graduated college and many other things.  She is everything I am not.  I am not jealous. I am more in awe of her.

 When she is with Hunter and me, we see a person who doesn't let you get a word in edgewise.  She treats her husband like a child.  She treats her son like just another person.  She got so drunk the night before she flew back home from here that she was puking on the way to the airport.  I am saying that she is not perfect yet she draws people to her like a moth to a flame.  I........do not.  

I, on the other hand, am a listener.  I empathize.  I understand, I am very accepting, I would give you the shirt off my back, if you are in the hospital I will be there as fast as I can, you can call me anytime day or night if you need to talk.  I am and have always been a Christian.  I love animals and flowers.  All of nature. 
Yet.....I suck.  I no longer make the meals, special place settings and decorations. No one even seemed to see the beauty in it except me.  My voice has deserted me. I think I miss that the most.  I am not in shape the way my sister is.  Not even close.  I allow people to hurt me and yet it is my own fault, I know that.  It is not about anything I have done wrong.  It is about being too sensitive.  I don't feel everything is about me.  I don't think everything is about me.  

 Even my computer doens't care about me this morning.  It is not acting as it should so I will close and wallow in my feelings.  My Xanax has kicked in so I and feeling better already.  My sister is the one in the middle.

Was surprised when I woke up discovered it was just a dream.

I was having my usual dreams as I slept.  This one was just interesting.  About my younger sister and me visiting her in Colorado (where she actually does).  It was so wonderful and yet she couldn't see that.  Being at the club where she works (she does as a personal trainer) .  The locker room.  Meeting and being friends with Phoebe -Lisa Kudrow from Friends- and staying at my older (we are estranged since my dad;s death.) -and messy bathrooms that she blamed on me but it wasn't me, being by some kind of game where a ton of money-coins-started flying out, most being Eisenhower dollars.  I gathered them and was soooo excited.  Then somehow I was in trouble with the police for that and on and on............but when the alarm went off this morning, I was surprised that it was just a dream.  I guess it just felt so real. 
I woke up with a pounding headache.  It's going away a bit now.  I don't want to take aspirin or advil because I've been having nosebleeds lately.

Hunter just left to get gas and do something else and then to his cardiologist.  I usually go with but am expecting my son soon. Yay!  Why does he go to a cardiologist?  Well, as you know....Hunter's heart is pea sized and the doctor is trying to get it to grow.  Sorry, that was mean.  Actually, he has an enlarged heart.  The Dr. told him it was probably from when he used to drink so much.  He take two pills to help his heart not have to work so hard and ...I can't recall right now. 

Still have no money.  Hunter will stop at the bank and get some start-up cash for my sale.  So, at least he is helping in that manner.

BEAR - Actually, it used to soooo much worse.  He is retired, has health problems and so I think that has calmed him down some.
PAT - Hunter is going to be 69 in Nov.  Emotionally, about 3.  I have also used the "Your not my father!" which I still prefer and the "Fuck-you." which he thinks is funny and then we are no longer angry.  Lefton isn't expensive and I really don't know why I am attracted to it.
DIVA and GRAMMY - Thank-you.