I'm singing in the rain....

Well, I'm not singing but it is raining.  And I love it.  And I love chocolate and I love shoes and....
It seems we use the word love to describe all things we enjoy.  We use the word too much ..... recklessly.   Shouldn't love be saved for those we truly do love?  Even a, "Love you." to others instead of...well, "Take care."  Or something similar.  We like, want or have things but to say we love them it makes the word love a bit meaningless. 

I am a mess in the mornings.  Used to be that I was just tired.  Then I didn't want to face the day and now it has turned into waking up feeling anxiety.  I don't get it.  I generally don't get this living thing.  I don't understand the purpose.  Get up.  Work.  Clean house.  Make meals.  Watch a bit of TV.  Shower.  Go to bed and do it all over again.  For what?  The sad part is that I am a Christian.  And I know my purpose and why I should feel joy and be a servant to others.  I am so lucky that God loves and forgives me.  He knows my heart.  But I do not feel deserving.  Not even a little.  I am a Christian but I am a bad one.  Not because of what I do but because of what I fail to do.  When my 2nd husband died....I thought it so unfair.  It should have been me.  He was the sweetest guy.  He did alot and cared for everyone.  He lived his life fully and joyfully.  I have been given this life by God and I have wasted it.

Hunter called and told me that Maggie love feathers.  And geese.  They taste good.  Wonder if she will learn to retrieve those geese or if she will stop midway back to eat a portion of them.  I miss her.  And yeah.  I miss Hunter too.  I am alone but then while he is here I feel lonely alot also.  How long would I have to live alone to get my shit together?  I honestly don't think I ever would.  I can envision a life of isolation.  Just dumping things here and there.  Dreading having to go out to buy coffee or milk.

I want to thank you for your comments and prayers.  I have you all and I am grateful.  Truly.
bj -I can burn candles now because Hunter is gone.  And believe me....I am burning the hell out of them.  Right now I am burning one that is called - Carrot Cake.  Yum-o!

Peace.

I'm nobodie's favorite anything.

And that sets the tone for a post you probably don't want to read.  I wouldn't want to read it because it's stupid and just the way I feel.  Guess that means some of it isn't really true but......the words gotta come out. So.....

WARNING!  This post contains nothing but sad stupid feelings.  Turn the page and read someone else's good post.

I wake up to phone call and messages.  The kids stopped to visit a bit with my sister who lives in Colorado.  Everyone is in love with both my sister and Colorado.  They want me to e-mail all her birthday and anniversary info.  They talked about spending a month there next year and about my sister spending a month at their place and snowboarding and on and on.  Bev (my sister-not the evil one) is a talker and a doer.  She is mostly serious and adult .  She has done such exciting things and continues to do them.  She gets mad instead of  depressed like me.   She was a ballerina, herded cattle, sings, plays some piano. She works at a ski club, is a personal trainer, climbs mountains, creates elaborate meals, was a life guard, is very active in her church, she graduated college and many other things.  She is everything I am not.  I am not jealous. I am more in awe of her.

 When she is with Hunter and me, we see a person who doesn't let you get a word in edgewise.  She treats her husband like a child.  She treats her son like just another person.  She got so drunk the night before she flew back home from here that she was puking on the way to the airport.  I am saying that she is not perfect yet she draws people to her like a moth to a flame.  I........do not.  

I, on the other hand, am a listener.  I empathize.  I understand, I am very accepting, I would give you the shirt off my back, if you are in the hospital I will be there as fast as I can, you can call me anytime day or night if you need to talk.  I am and have always been a Christian.  I love animals and flowers.  All of nature. 
Yet.....I suck.  I no longer make the meals, special place settings and decorations. No one even seemed to see the beauty in it except me.  My voice has deserted me. I think I miss that the most.  I am not in shape the way my sister is.  Not even close.  I allow people to hurt me and yet it is my own fault, I know that.  It is not about anything I have done wrong.  It is about being too sensitive.  I don't feel everything is about me.  I don't think everything is about me.  

 Even my computer doens't care about me this morning.  It is not acting as it should so I will close and wallow in my feelings.  My Xanax has kicked in so I and feeling better already.  My sister is the one in the middle.