Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I'm singing in the rain....

Well, I'm not singing but it is raining.  And I love it.  And I love chocolate and I love shoes and....
It seems we use the word love to describe all things we enjoy.  We use the word too much ..... recklessly.   Shouldn't love be saved for those we truly do love?  Even a, "Love you." to others instead of...well, "Take care."  Or something similar.  We like, want or have things but to say we love them it makes the word love a bit meaningless. 

I am a mess in the mornings.  Used to be that I was just tired.  Then I didn't want to face the day and now it has turned into waking up feeling anxiety.  I don't get it.  I generally don't get this living thing.  I don't understand the purpose.  Get up.  Work.  Clean house.  Make meals.  Watch a bit of TV.  Shower.  Go to bed and do it all over again.  For what?  The sad part is that I am a Christian.  And I know my purpose and why I should feel joy and be a servant to others.  I am so lucky that God loves and forgives me.  He knows my heart.  But I do not feel deserving.  Not even a little.  I am a Christian but I am a bad one.  Not because of what I do but because of what I fail to do.  When my 2nd husband died....I thought it so unfair.  It should have been me.  He was the sweetest guy.  He did alot and cared for everyone.  He lived his life fully and joyfully.  I have been given this life by God and I have wasted it.

Hunter called and told me that Maggie love feathers.  And geese.  They taste good.  Wonder if she will learn to retrieve those geese or if she will stop midway back to eat a portion of them.  I miss her.  And yeah.  I miss Hunter too.  I am alone but then while he is here I feel lonely alot also.  How long would I have to live alone to get my shit together?  I honestly don't think I ever would.  I can envision a life of isolation.  Just dumping things here and there.  Dreading having to go out to buy coffee or milk.

I want to thank you for your comments and prayers.  I have you all and I am grateful.  Truly.
bj -I can burn candles now because Hunter is gone.  And believe me....I am burning the hell out of them.  Right now I am burning one that is called - Carrot Cake.  Yum-o!

Peace.

7 comments:

Rob-bear said...

"But I do not feel deserving." Except that you are. You really, really are. Now, how can we help you to feel how you really are, instead of how you're afraid you feel?

Gnetch said...

What do you mean you're not deserving? With all that caring you do for your family, you deserve all the blessings in the world.

Bossy Betty said...

Breathe in that candle and breathe in and accept the blessings. You deserve them all.

YeamieWaffles said...

You're right about the love thing, it's a word that we throw around way too often. When it comes to you saying that you're not deserving though that's simply not true, you deserve everything nice about your life and you deserve to enjoy it without worry much more than you do, if anything you deserve more than the wonderful life you already live so don't feel too bad.

Wanda's Wings said...

Sometimes the hardest person to love is our self. It's hard to believe God could love us. I sure don't understand why I am so depressed all the time, but I can relate to what your feeling. I will remember you in my prayers. Hang in there and God wrap His loving arms around you.

Just Be Real said...

This is all too familar to me. Hugs.

bj said...

OOO, I forgot that Hunter is allergic to them. OK......
I love candles (oops, i said LOVE...
you're right, we use the word too much...especially me) ok...I LIKE candles...A LOT. I have an apple one right now...and got a beautiful jar candle of SPUN SUGAR which I gave to my beautiful daughter. Goose Creek candles are really good. I hope to host another giveaway soon...
xoxo