Thursday, July 26, 2012

I'm nobodie's favorite anything.

And that sets the tone for a post you probably don't want to read.  I wouldn't want to read it because it's stupid and just the way I feel.  Guess that means some of it isn't really true but......the words gotta come out. So.....

WARNING!  This post contains nothing but sad stupid feelings.  Turn the page and read someone else's good post.

I wake up to phone call and messages.  The kids stopped to visit a bit with my sister who lives in Colorado.  Everyone is in love with both my sister and Colorado.  They want me to e-mail all her birthday and anniversary info.  They talked about spending a month there next year and about my sister spending a month at their place and snowboarding and on and on.  Bev (my sister-not the evil one) is a talker and a doer.  She is mostly serious and adult .  She has done such exciting things and continues to do them.  She gets mad instead of  depressed like me.   She was a ballerina, herded cattle, sings, plays some piano. She works at a ski club, is a personal trainer, climbs mountains, creates elaborate meals, was a life guard, is very active in her church, she graduated college and many other things.  She is everything I am not.  I am not jealous. I am more in awe of her.

 When she is with Hunter and me, we see a person who doesn't let you get a word in edgewise.  She treats her husband like a child.  She treats her son like just another person.  She got so drunk the night before she flew back home from here that she was puking on the way to the airport.  I am saying that she is not perfect yet she draws people to her like a moth to a flame. not.  

I, on the other hand, am a listener.  I empathize.  I understand, I am very accepting, I would give you the shirt off my back, if you are in the hospital I will be there as fast as I can, you can call me anytime day or night if you need to talk.  I am and have always been a Christian.  I love animals and flowers.  All of nature. 
Yet.....I suck.  I no longer make the meals, special place settings and decorations. No one even seemed to see the beauty in it except me.  My voice has deserted me. I think I miss that the most.  I am not in shape the way my sister is.  Not even close.  I allow people to hurt me and yet it is my own fault, I know that.  It is not about anything I have done wrong.  It is about being too sensitive.  I don't feel everything is about me.  I don't think everything is about me.  
 Even my computer doens't care about me this morning.  It is not acting as it should so I will close and wallow in my feelings.  My Xanax has kicked in so I and feeling better already.  My sister is the one in the middle.


klahanie said...

Sorry, but I'm not turning the page and read someone else's 'good' post.
I'm here and darn it, I'm leaving a comment.
I wont bore you with the usual crap about you being too hard on yourself. You already know the score. I'm just hoping that your verbalisation gives you a modicum of comfort. Your beauty is there and your heartfelt posting proves that to me. I don't think you need to 'compete' and perhaps live up to others perceived expectations. Just rejoice in knowing you're doing the best you can.
In kindness, Gary

Jennifer Kay said...

And she's probably got a stinky crotch. Saying that about perfect people always makes me feel better.

I think down home good honest people are awesome, it's the depression talking to you...that's all.

Unknown said...

Guess what...I Love You! You, Middle are beautiful woman!

Rob-bear said...

Ah, but you are wrong! You are my favourite resident of Pleasantville. I just wish it were a more pleasant place. As in the people were more pleasant (well, at least some of them).

You are also a survivor. And not a "reality TV" survivor — a real world survivor. Which is much more impressive.

lotta joy said...

Boy, are YOU at the bottom of the barrel right now. You are judging yourself by other who aren't of a higher caliber than you. Maybe they travel in a crowd that accepts drunken vomiting. When I was married to my wasbund, I was always telling jokes and TRYING. One night I said "I'm playing to an empty house"

It seemed I wasn't appreciated. And I wasn't, UNTIL I changed the audience.

You need different people than the ones you have, to appreciate you.

In the age old saying, "it's not YOU, it's THEM."

What do YOU want? If you want flowers and a pretty plate at the dinner table, let everyone else eat off Dixie plates and let them see YOUR place setting. THEN they'll notice.

The Bipolar Diva said...

YOU are my favorite middle child and always will be. I love you for you and I'm so glad blogland brought us together. ♥

Dazee Dreamer said...

oh chin up little buck-a-roo. I think of you often and wonder how certain people are treating you.

Yaya said...

I am glad you got out all those feelings and hope the purging helped.

You are enough.
You have enough.
You do enough.

You have all of us, and you're our favorite middle child! Remember that.

Anonymous said...

I have just written three comments but deleted them cause the words are coming out wrong. My points are simple.
1: You are loved
2: Your sister is an overachiever and that pisses my lazy ass right off
3: When feeling this down I recommend falling asleep to a good old movie...can I come over and watch it with you?

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

Common sense tells us both what needs to be fixed in our lives. Upsetting the "Apple Cart" just isn't in our makeup. :0(
My hubby was only a bite out of the "apple"....some of my kids are the "cart" I drag behind me.
It's WHO we are Karen. WE are GOOD PEOPLE! Unfortunately....goodness and kindness can get you shit on. (((hugs)))Pat

bj said...

Middle Child...I probably never mentioned it before but from the very first time I read your blog, you have been one of my favorite people.
I think of you several times a week and wonder how things are going. I wonder who hurt you so badly when you were young that you still hurt. I wonder what happened to make you think yourself less than anyone else. I wonder where the person is that will help you through the hard times.
I wonder why I think it is any of my business but.....the good thing is that you are blogging and it is a fabulous way of getting things off our minds.
Hang in there, sister friend...things are bound to look better in the sunlight.
xoxo bj

Dawn @ Words Of Deliciousness said...

I am a middle child too. When I was younger sometimes I felt like I was invisible. But as I have grown older and know that I am not invisible I am somebody and so are you. Everybody has a story and that story is important.
It is the first time at you blog and I think it is terrific!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

and you know what? she probably is secretly in awe of you too...ask her!

I think you're the frikken BOMB!!!

Strayer said...

You are so damn honest in writing your feelings. I admire you. I don't have the courage to really say how I feel. Plus, I have a stalker. I guess everyone should have a stalker! Nobody is perfect even people who seem that way on the outside. Her drinking til she pukes is one sign. I love your posts. They often say exactly what I feel but can't speak or even write!

Kelly said...

I'm impressed with you just letting it all hang out, in regards to your feelings about your sister and so on. I know this post isn't just about your sister and the adoration/attention she apparently gets. I know how that feels, btw, because I have a sister that is supposedly an achiever of all things- but- she is definitely not a good listener and comforter. In other words, I can relate.

I just hope you know in your heart that your redeeming and healthy attributes are what make you a great and unique individual.

I din't find this a depressing post, in the least. Just honest and most likely, very therapeutic for yourself. If others have a problem with what you write, they can go fly a kite.

Take care, Middle Child

Comeca Jones said...

Well what to say what to say... Humph wish o was there to give you a swift kick in the pants! We are all so far away or else we would be foreskin meeting for lunch!! I love u! We all do it just sucks we are not near it is more like we are like voices on the other side of the computer. Listen I'm bald I'm black I live in hickville my friends are miles away and I'm so lonely my dogs n my chickens are my best friends. And you have problems?! At least your sister makes time to talk to you! Look email me if ya Eva wanna talk where else would I be but home ?!I don't work either! Lol Cheer up!

Comeca Jones said...

Oh that whole foreskin thing I meant for sure. I hate iPhone !lol

Comeca Jones said...

Btw again I am a middle child too and I sO get u!