Friday, April 5, 2013

Hello, It is me (Meadow) again... this will probably be the last time I post in a while. Middlechild is leaving tomorrow...
This picture is perfect.
I love it.
So much.
Depicts my feelings. My mind. My humanity (If that's what you call it)
Today I was a horrible person. Even more so than usual. I just... snapped at everything. I was on the brink of tears all day and I can't figure out what's wrong with me. Well...I know tons of things are wrong with me...But I can't figure out why I feel like giving up so much. I just want this to be over. Whether you call it pain, agony, or life...I just want it GONE.  I also want the words gone. If we had no form of communication I would be so happy. That way people couldn't hurt me that badly.
Couldn't make me hurt myself through their manipulation.
BUUUUT, anyways, I still can't shake this feeling of ...'dread'...that something bad is going to happen to me. I am waiting for that 'dreadful' thing to happen, but all that's happening is...well...nothing. I'm not around people right now... I'm trying not to let my inner thoughts take me through the hellish land of self-insulting. And I'm trying not to...scratch at myself to get the words off my skin...
These words find a way to..etch into my skin (In my imagination)...but I can't tell that. It scares me. I think strangers will see them and not see me for me, but for the opinions of others. So I scratch and try to remove the words which seem to be stained into my skin.  Never do the go, they stay and don't come off, I panic and grab a knife or a razor and slice..once...twice...thrice...the blood pours over the words..and they magically disappear.Then I cry. I finally feel the stinging. The pain. And it feels glorious. The words are finally gone! No one can label me! Well...they do...but they can't see other peoples' labels for me!! So apparently my blood is some magic eraser that reassures me against others' words (?)
This is what their words do to me. They wrap all around my body, squeeze tight...draw blood... when I try to remove them with my hands and they dig deeper. So I have to cut them off. It's okay if you don't understand...I must seem crazy to you and maybe I am but that doesn't change the fact that words are terrible twisted thing that can either make someones day, or end someones life. I try to ignore them, but as you know words cannot simply be ignored, they are processed through your brain and etched into your mind in a deep cavern. When you are feeling especially depressed ( for any reason) your brain decides, 'hey, now'd be a good time to bring out those harsh words that brought tears to your eyes!!' Then you remember...and remember why you tried so hard to forget in the first place. The reason you try so hard to please everyone. Try to be loved so those words don't come up again so the memories stop. So you feel okay for a little bit longer. But the feeling of being okay starts to be jeopardized by people and their words, and you don't like that, no you don't. In fact, you HATE it. The way they can just pop into your life, act like loving you is what they're doing. Then they're, not mean...they're honest.
I never know if I am ever truly okay. I never know if I am truly in pain. All I know is that I don't like this...whatever it is I want it gone...and if it doesn't leave soon, then I might as well leave it.. (it being life)
Sorry for ranting again...but goodbye. I wish you all well.
~Love Meadow


Rob-bear said...

Oh, Meadow! I am so sad. I wish I could wave a magic wand that takes the hurts away.

But there is no magic wand. So I'll just sit here and hold your paw (um, I mean hand), and maybe my paw and unspoken words will help in the quiet (or not-so-quiet).

Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting

Outcast said...

There is nothing wrong with you Meadow. Nothing that makes you any worse a person than anybody else who lives a normal life and I mean that with all seriousness and honesty. I can relate to that photo and keeping things bottled up but I really hope that you find something to make you feel better. I hate thinking of you cutting yourself, I hate thinking of you feeling trapped and I hope that things get better soon. We all wish you well as well.

Gnetch said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Meadow. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Don't cut yourself. Don't hurt yourself. When you're feeling sad, try to focus your mind on something else. I know it's hard. I've been through the same situation recently but things will definitely get better soon. Just hang on. Talk to someone, to me, if you need to. Middle Child knows my email.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I SO know what you're writing about, especially the glorious feeling of the words being cut away, it's euphoric and difficult for those that haven't experienced it to understand. I've been cut free for quite some time now. Wishing you well. Hang in there, take a deep breath, know that you've been though this before and have come out on the other side, that's all that gets me through sometimes.

A Plain Observer said...

Again, Meadow, I don't know what to say. I know pain, I have lived through pain, but pain is unique. Your pain is yours and it does not compare to mine.
I do see in your writing that there is so much in you that would benefit others. I wish you would save your writing, and maybe one day publish it. You are talented even when you hurt. You are a beautiful person. I hope one day to see your book on my bookshelf