Sunday, April 7, 2013

Another post from me (Meadow) but the last one for awhile...

My mother was visiting my father in Oklahoma for Spring Break...she came home yesterday. Even through all the pain she's caused me in the past, I was still slightly happy to see her... Too bad (as most people) She didn't give a crap about me. Anytime I tried to get her's or middlechild's attention, whether to ask a question or comment...I was yelled at. It was such a stressful day... I was mostly happy when my mother wasn't home...but after she came home...I broke down... I had a migraine and I tried so hard not to remember how mean she is to me.



I wish I had the guts to say this to my mom... Because after she got home from work yesterday, after about an hour I couldn't take it anymore... I ran up to my room, slammed the door and locked it... Frantically searching the room I found what I was looking for. I was so desperate I didn't even grab a razor, or a knife... I saw a broken protractor ( My room is messy) and I grabbed it. Without thinking, multiple times I dug into my wrist, slit, and bled..Then I cried. I tried to act like I hadn't done it. Like I was strong enough to ...to stop... But I am weak...I am worthless ad stupid and I have no right to be alive but if I die I will be called weak... but that's okay, right? Because I'm already weak so why should it matter if I'm dead? It wouldn't...I just...hate how she doesn't care...I get straight A's almost all the time, I am in track and play softball in the summer... I try to look prettyy and have friends... Iplay an instrument and I', actually very good at it...But nothing is enough for her...she just takes and takes and takes, she doesn't care about anyone but herself... The saddest part is that I strive for her attention. Strive for her love and affection... I never get it. I never...AAG! I just wish I were dead. I truly do. It's so hard to sit and not think about taking a handful of pills...
I just...really...it hurts...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am alone.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am worthless.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Why doesn't anyone care?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
...sorry again for being a bother...
NOW goodbye...
-Meadow
 

5 comments:

YeamieWaffles said...

You're not a bother Meadow so don't ever feel like that. Your grandma loves you and deep down I promise you that your mother does as well. My relationship with my father is as fractured and as broken as a bad relationship could get but I know deep down that he does love me, even if he never ever ends to show it. I'm sorry that you cut yourself again, just hold on and be strong, you can beat this, honestly!

ancient one said...

Let me tell you a secret. Jesus loves you. He always has and He always will. Start reading your Bible. Start with the book of John. Read it over and over. Some "people" don't know how to show their love. You can Trust Jesus with everything.

A Plain Observer said...

I wish I could say something that was good enough for you to stop hurting. I do believe as ancient and yeamie that some people don't know how to show their love, they are hurting themselves so they hurt others. It is sad they hurt you. You seem to have so much to give, and maybe that is the answer, maybe you need to help others overcome what you are overcoming. Maybe you need to get involved in groups where YOU help them and thus you help yourself. Many people need help and you seem to just have what it takes to change somebody's world. You seem very special and that is really all it takes.
I wish you knew how special you are.

Annmarie Pipa said...

there is only one way..you have to find Christ!!!! you have to! that is why He is our savior...he saves us! he experienced every single emotion you feel, and he conquered them. he is the way the truth and the light. any priest will talk with you, anytime. you can call a rectory and tell him how you are feeling and ask if you can talk over the phone or come in. Do it. this is no way to live and exist...there is a better way for you.

Furry Bottoms said...

What do you think happens when you die?

And people DO care. Just not always the ones you need to be there for you, like your mother. I am very sorry she is the way she is. You deserve a lot better.

And you are never a bother. It hurts to be in pain.

You have something to say, and it is worth hearing. I hope you never stop talking.

I'll share you one of my secrets that keep me going. I used to be just like you. I just wanted to die. I just wanted it over with. I was tired of everything. Then I read somewhere... and it stuck with me. If you took your own life... there is a possibility that God will send you right back to start all over with the same pain, same problems, same issues until you live through it and learn from it all the way through. I never want to come back and be in that place of hurt ever again, so I struggle through everything. Even if you don't believe in God... you can't be 100% sure about that, can you? So if the possibility is there... I would rather not risk it.