Saturday, January 26, 2013

These are Troubling Times.

Hi, I am Meadow, middlechild's grand daughter. I am thirteen years old, starting yesterday. I would love if you took the time to read this. I apologize if it is long.
      You never know what life is going to throw in your face. You don't expect the worst of life to come so early. I know I haven't been through the hardest things, but I have been through plenty. Many people tell me because I am thirteen I know nothing of troubles or hardships. They say I am simply weak and know nothing of the extent to which bad things can happen. Recently my family was evicted out of our house. The house I have lived in for most of my life. All the memories; good or bad, were lost. All our possessions...thrown on the yard and discarded like trash. Yet I was expected to keep my composure. Hold the family together. Essentially, be the glue. I couldn't tell any of my friends, nor did I have anyone to go to with my worries or troubles. My friends would leave if I told them my family was poor as dirt...eventually they did leave me. I was totally alone in a world I already hated. Then, because my family is so poor, my dad had to go out of state to work. Months at a time. Don't get me wrong, I was so happy my dad finally got a job after years of unemployment... But my dad was the only person in my life I could trust...The one person I went to with my stories, the one person that could make me happy when I was crying my eyes out...was ripped away from me. My 'friends' talk about me behind my back. People call me ugly. Fat. Undesirable. They call me names... It's as if all the things I am going through weren't enough... About a week ago my dad told me he was possibly getting laid off from this new job. I broke out crying. I thought, 'All over again? We're going to loose the apartment. Go through the terrible things I never wanted to go through again...?' If it wasn't enough my mom constantly points out my flaws. She yells at me. Hurts me deeper than anything. Also, I have to see a neurologist. I am scared because recently I have been forgetting names of some of my acquaintances...having migraines and really bad headaches...forgetting how to spell simple words...my hands constantly shake... I will not go into the terrible troubles of before I was eleven...that would take me all day. Also, I would rather not dredge up the darkness of my past. I am trying too hard to forget... I get straight A's in all advanced classes at school. No one asks if I am sad. No one says they are there for me. I am left alone on a bloody battlefield...trying to fend off the world with no one at my sides. No one sees the tears I cry into my pillow. Everyone sees my false smiles. If someone cared enough to take a second glance, they'd notice I was dying inside. I wish I didn't have to deal with it anymore. The pain. The people. I wish I could lay down my weapon on that bloody field, drop to my knees...and give up. Let the world consume me and finish hollowing out my soul. I want to live, but I wouldn't care if I died.

Soul as cool as ice,
I wish for warmth with all my might.
My heart lost in bitterness,
Sealed with a bloody kiss.
My arms wrapped tightly around me,
Thinking a hug is all I need.
My mind frozen,
From all the promises which have been broken.
Left alone,
To fend on my own.
No one in the world caring,
When did I become so daring?
Just waiting for someone to take notice,
Rather than annoyance.
Wish you would see the tears I cry,
Instead of wishing I would die.
See that my smiles are fake,
What will it take?
I love you to the highest extent,
But I am simply another reject.
I give you what you wish for,
you hate me and it shakes my core.

Thank you for reading and taking the time out of your day to do so. I appreciate it.

17 comments:

Grammy Goodwill said...

Bless your heart, Sweetie. When I taught middle school, I tried so hard to get my students feel that I was open and approachable to them. I hope you can find a teacher like that who will help comfort you.

klahanie said...

Hi Meadow,

I don't know if I can give you any comfort through what is the most daunting of times. I shall do my best. Firstly, Meadow, what you have done here is verbalise your valid feelings and with that, it gives you the chance to tell us how you are feeling.

Those who pass judgement on you, based on your age, do not experience what you have been through and what your family has been subjected to. If anything, you are far from weak, in fact, you are remarkably strong. Those 'friends' who label you, stigmatise you, of course, are not real friends. They see you as an easy target to cover up their own insecurities.

Your mother needs to have a serious rethink about what she says to you. She has to understand that what we hear at such a young, tender age as yours, can have a lasting impact that can ruin our self-esteem. She needs to encourage and praise you for all the good you try to do.

You are obviously a highly intelligent young lady who is going through an awful time. And getting an early diagnosis with the neurologist is the best thing to have done.

Meadow, don't feel alone. There are people who care for you. There are resources available for you that can help you through these thoughts. Remember, you are precious, you are unique and the world is a better place having people like you with the courage to be so transparent.

Nobody has the right to devalue your feelings. Look forward to the future with realistic positive anticipation, rather than negative speculation. Do you know you have the gift of the written word? The written word can be a therapeutic resource as I think you realise that.

Hold your head high, be proud and show the determination to realise your dreams in life. You can do it.

In kindness and hope,

Gary

Gnetch said...

Hi Meadow. Don't worry. Things will be better. You're really a brave kid. I know you'll be fine in no time. Just continue holding on.

The "friends" who talked behind your back and left you when you needed them the most miserable people. They are too shallow to even be happy. Just know that you don't deserve people like them. You deserve better.

R. Jacob said...

I can't add anything more to what has been said except to say we care about you.

YeamieWaffles said...

This has broken my heart to read this Meadow, I am so sorry that at your young age you have had to go through so much hassle and nonsense. It makes me feel sad to imagine you crying at night, that you're so sad and depressed. It's no fair trip for a 13 year old girl to go on who should be enjoying her life. Meadow I hope that you're okay, you're not alone with Middle Child who loves you very much around though, you honestly aren't, thanks for writing for us.

Anonymous said...

Very good information. Lucky me I found your site by accident
(stumbleupon). I have bookmarked it for later!
Also visit my weblog http://portisabel.Org/Chamber/?p=1099

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

Hi Meadow,
Our President should read this letter.
This should not be happening in the USA!

While my childhood included an alcoholic father,he was still able to find employment and keep a roof over my and my siblings heads. Back then, if you were willing to work, there was a job to be had.
I was tall and skinny and called names like, stringbean,olive oil, spider legs, but guess what honey...I grew up to be very pretty. Beauty is only skin deep and I can see a butterfly in you. (((hugs)))
:0)

Ashley Barnes said...

I am new to your blog and reading this post made my heart heavy. You have to be strong. You have to have faith in yourself and God. I will pray for you on your struggles. Know that you are loved and cared for. Hugs and keep that face up high, use those tears for joy. Know that you are beautiful and you have much self worth. Hugs <3

Anonymous said...

Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is fantastic, as
well as the content!
my site - abhishek Bachchan

Anonymous said...

Great delivery. Sound arguments. Keep up the good
effort.
Feel free to visit my site : http://www.20fun7.com

Furry Bottoms said...

Meadow, you're a good writer. I hope you pursue this avenue of expressing your feelings.

Lots lots lots lots of kids your age feel this way. I only wish they were as articulate as you were here. Then less people would feel alone.

There is this little flame of light inside your soul. Hold onto it, don't let it blow out. Coax it into a bigger flame and let it warm your heart. Love should not come first from other people, it needs to come first from you, yourself.

A Plain Observer said...

Very moving, touching. It felt like I was sitting in front of the author wanting to interject my thoughts with every sentence.
Sometimes, many times people don't see who we are, but as long as we know who we really are, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. We must see the beauty in us.

Susan said...

Hello Meadow. I'm sorry you and your family are going through hard times right now.

They will pass, though. Things will get better. They always do.

When I was your age, many of my own thoughts were deep, too.

Keep writing. Get a notebook out and write, write, write about how you are feeling, what is happening to you, and how what you think about it.

Sometimes, when we write about our problems, we see things more clearly.

I hope your family will find a place to live soon. Remember, the problems of your parents are not your problems. They affect you, of course, but they are not YOUR problems.

You are doing so well in school. KEEP IT UP. Your future can be bright and happy! Education is the KEY.

Take care and good luck, honey. Susan

Just Be Real said...

Safe hugs to you dear one...

Kelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelly said...

Hello Meadow,

You shared your deepest feelings here and I appreciate your honesty. I can certainly empathize with your suffering, as well. Being evicted and having to move- only to have that threat again and so on is depressing and difficult to get through. I feel for you. I can sense, though, that you have the strength to carry on. I wish you nothing but the best.

Anytime you wish to write about your feelings it usually is very helpful to your heart and well being. I know. I do it, too. Please, keep it up.

For a 13 year old, you write extraordinarily well, I might add.

Take care, Meadow

Annmarie Pipa said...

God is calling you...as He calls every one of us. Answer him! Seek Him..find out what He wants!! that is the only way to ever get peace.