Thursday, April 7, 2011

I wasted my life.

I am not who I was s'posed to be. I am sure of it. When I am gone, who ill notice? (BTW - this is a pity party of one. ) What have I done of any note? Who have I helped? I did not go to Europe with the choir after high school. (I was a really good singer at the time.) Who would I have become had I gone? I didn't go to college. Got married instead to a man who treated me like a picture on the wall. Had two kids. Had a cheating husband who was looking for a "mother". No thanks. Worked retail cuz a lawyer told me to get a job. Was just a job, not a career. But I didn't want a career. I just wanted to be a wife and mom. Didn't get to be that. Remarried to a man who was sweet and kind and had already had heart attacks and by-pass surgery. Was widowed. Got married to a man who was emotionally abusive until he finally wasn't. Now I am alive but not living. I notice the beauty of God. Does He notice me? I always think he is too busy with others who really need him. I am OK with that. If someone wanted to steal my identity, I would let them. But I would also warn them that they will get hurt. I am so good at loving, yet have found no one who appreciates it. I think I need to be outstanding in other ways. I am sooooo depressed about the house. I fear I will never again have an actual home. It is so torn up that I imagine my late husband rolling over in his grave. Filled with sadness. I make efforts in little ways and that is always thwarted. I try to rise above the depression and LIVE and be happy. I try not to let others lack of consideration, politeness, excitement, wonder and joy get to me. But it does. It always does. I seem to be the only one who calls. Then it is their conversation the ensues. I can't seem to get a word in edgewise. I am the one who used to write the letters to sisters who couldn't care less. I believe that others don't see me as I see myself. "Pity party of one, your table is ready!"

18 comments:

Coffeypot said...

I have that party at least once a day. I have many of the same feelings, but I give myself a virtual slap in the face and make myself look at what I have. My life (and yours) is not television perfect, but we are not as bad off as others we know. But I will tell you, I would miss you if you left. Even the snaky comments you make when I leave comments. But we never know who and how we affect others lives. I KNOW I have helped some people that I have never met in was I will never know. Just as others have made a difference in my life that never knew it. So, because our names will never be in lights, we HAVE made a difference in this world. And I didn’t even mention sex and you getting some. See!

Red Shoes said...

We had a seminar on campus this week... some things were said that I've heard before... nothing new.

If you were sitting in front of me, and we had had this conversation where you told me the things you have typed out, I would ask you...

* What would you like to change?

* What would you like to do with the rest of your Life??

* Do you feel you deserve the treatment that has come your way???

So many times, what we want... what we desire... requires that first step, that first action on our part.

We have to start the process...

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Tell me...

~shoes~

Oilfield Trash said...

This is a very great post.

You have brought up a lot of things that I have myself personally felt.

The Queen said...

I feel for you and with you. LIke the others, I don't think you are alone with these feelings. I think we all feel them. I know I do. I'm here to tell you that you have touched my life with your blog. I would miss you if you were not here blogging.

now, reach down, grab your bootstraps and pull yourself back up. In the mean time, pity party table of one, your drinks are being served!

suz said...

Good post. It Does happen to all of us. Get on the Hunter about the house, or at least part of it. You need a little corner that doesn't drag you down. If this persists, see a shrink. If you're already seeing one, get a new one. Believe me, you would be missed if you weren't around!

Dazee Dreamer said...

I for one am very glad that I found you in blog land so you haven't totally wasted your life.

I'm sorry it's a bad time for you. Big cyber hug *squeeze*

On My Soapbox said...

Hey, I've been to that party! I think we all have. :-(

In the Pink said...

I will be over in 5 minutes with wine and cigarettes. We will sit down outside and smoke and drink until we are laughing despite your tears. I love you Middle Child. You are worthy of my time and I really do wish we were neighbors. We would have fun together cause you are good people. Depression sucks and I wish you didn't have to suffer through it. But just go to your porch and close your eyes. Now picture a cute though chubby brunette sitting with you drinking, smoking, and trying her damnedest to make you smile. ((Middle Child))

sarah said...

awww MiddleChild..this made me sad b/c you deserve so much more....a ton more....I think it's never too late to get what you want.....never stop fighting

THUNDERCAT832 said...

Wow we are so cut from the same cloth on this thought. But who is to say that we are not where we are meant to be? There is a reason and a purpose for where we are I think! I really believe that you are way more important than you understand;)

Ms. A said...

It may be of no consolation to you, but I feel the same way. God knows and cares!

Comeca Jones said...

I am here a thousand and one times seems the bad days outway the good .I too only wanted to be a mom and after time to get over most of my sadness and hurt I found my happy. Thats when I was able to receive a new life and love and was also able to love my children better as well.Now I am a wife(to someone better for my heart) and now that is what I am. Dont give up! You must be happy so that your heart is bright enough that the one in your future who has been called to love you will be able to see you.You see before we are allowed to move to the next step in our journeys whether its career or love,we must fix "us" where we are now. I hope you find a lil peace soon. I read,leave the tv on, and I keep the music LOUD during these sad times. I also read. I suggest Iyanla Vanzant "Value in the going through". It really helped me.See you next post.~Meme

The Reckmonster said...

Mama - never sell yourself short. People buy what you sell them. PROCLAIM your importance...and most of all - BELIEVE IT. When you believe it, they will too. You have not wasted your life...I can glean that from how you talk about your family in your posts. No pity parties. Just one big assed confident party of MIDDLE CHILD, dammit!

dana said...

I felt that way all my life until I decided it was Indiana, and my house, that were causing my depression. So? It got so bad that I packed up and moved to Florida. Yeah. That's the answer....then I realized that the one thing I should have left was myself....somewhere back there.

I've never accomplished anything but managed to stay depressed all my life. At least I did something with consistency!

jewelrygirl said...

Well, here are my feelings on this. All the dumbass things I did in my past, all the things I could have done better.... I wouldn't change any of it, be cause it would mean I am not who I am today. I wouldn't have my daughter if I had changed things. I wouldn't have my grandsons, if I had changed things. And, I wouldn't have my husband, if I had changed things. And I married a few stinkers before him.

So, I feel all that passed before me had to be.

Now, don't you feel enlightened...lol.

Hope you are well lady!

Jenny

ancient one said...

This too shall pass... I had several years of depression that I thought I could never crawl out of... but time and meds helped me get passed it...Please know that GOD does see you and he's pulling for you all the time.

FrankandMary said...

I think a week in a Zen ashram & then a couple of cosmos are in order. ~Mary

Shen said...

I hear you... and I get it. In so many ways, our lives are different but our thoughts are the same. I did stay home and be the wife and mother you spoke of. Then, suddenly, I realized my kids had lives while mine seems to be passing me by.

I said something like this in my last comment (which confusingly is on the next post) but here it is again: No matter what I'm doing, it seems like I'm lamenting the things I'm NOT doing. Why is that? Why do I get to the end of even a very busy day and beat myself up for all the things I haven't done? I don't want to get to the end of my life and feel the same way, so I have to figure this out.