Thursday, April 7, 2011
I wasted my life.
I am not who I was s'posed to be. I am sure of it. When I am gone, who ill notice? (BTW - this is a pity party of one. ) What have I done of any note? Who have I helped? I did not go to Europe with the choir after high school. (I was a really good singer at the time.) Who would I have become had I gone? I didn't go to college. Got married instead to a man who treated me like a picture on the wall. Had two kids. Had a cheating husband who was looking for a "mother". No thanks. Worked retail cuz a lawyer told me to get a job. Was just a job, not a career. But I didn't want a career. I just wanted to be a wife and mom. Didn't get to be that. Remarried to a man who was sweet and kind and had already had heart attacks and by-pass surgery. Was widowed. Got married to a man who was emotionally abusive until he finally wasn't. Now I am alive but not living. I notice the beauty of God. Does He notice me? I always think he is too busy with others who really need him. I am OK with that. If someone wanted to steal my identity, I would let them. But I would also warn them that they will get hurt. I am so good at loving, yet have found no one who appreciates it. I think I need to be outstanding in other ways. I am sooooo depressed about the house. I fear I will never again have an actual home. It is so torn up that I imagine my late husband rolling over in his grave. Filled with sadness. I make efforts in little ways and that is always thwarted. I try to rise above the depression and LIVE and be happy. I try not to let others lack of consideration, politeness, excitement, wonder and joy get to me. But it does. It always does. I seem to be the only one who calls. Then it is their conversation the ensues. I can't seem to get a word in edgewise. I am the one who used to write the letters to sisters who couldn't care less. I believe that others don't see me as I see myself. "Pity party of one, your table is ready!"