Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Gone in 60 Seconds.

Yeah, loved the movie but no, this is different. I felt pretty good yesterday though I didn't sleep enough. (my fault) I got up at 5am to go out to the hunt club with The Hunter so we could walk around in the fields with Belle. Anyway, I had talked to my daughter the day before and they don't even have money for gas. She's in deep shit but there's nothing I can do. We've bailed them out to the tune of, don't even want to know how much $$$$. I have offered sound advice over and over-when asked-and none taken and the hole they live in gets deeper and deeper because of it. They got cell phones for all the kids at Christmas, they bought a big TV. They got an xbox and games a recently a hampster. I feel terrible but am learning how to handle it, through the help of my therapist. In fact I saw her yesterday and she was proud of how well I was doing.

And then,.....I received an email that shredded my heart. It was simple. My 16 yr. old Grandson Cain-the one who is super intelligent, has been taking a college class for two years now, is in the AP program, was born with only one lung and used to throw-up due to his narrow trachea and phlegm when he was a toddler and never cried when he did it, just accepting this as a part of his life-e-mailed one sentence. It said, "We have no money."
You know this broke my heart. I read it and started crying which immediatly turned into gulping sobs. The tears came straight from my heart. He is the one who really touches me. I e-mailed back and I hope he can understand. I assume he uses his girlfriends computer. What do I do? What do I say?

My kids have to figure this out for themselves. I cannot give them more of our money. We need to live too. Had they taken even half of our advice,...... My kids are not kids. By the time I was their age, I had been through a divorce, and was widowed. I can't help them and I shouldn't. But it breaks my heart just the same.

Yeah, good mood? Gone in 60 seconds.


Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

You're in such a rough situation.

Thinking of you. ::::hugs::::

My Black Fog said...

So hard watching kids make obvious mistakes but thats how you love them.
I have no money either but my kids ended up getting jobs to pay for their own cell phones, etc,... so thats an option for your grandson. He sounds like a brilliant and intelligent lad so he'll be alright.
(still hard to watch though - I know,...)

Coffeypot said...

You are doing the right thing IMHO. They will never learn to manage money, make better decisions if you keep bailing them out. THEY need to be in therapy and financial counseling.

Jimmy said...

It's hard, we have been there done that and still doing it, you have to draw a line and let them figure out some of this stuff on their own, I too have given advice that has been ignored and it really ticks me off when I am ignored then asked to bail them out.

Sink or Swim they say, if you are like me you will let them flounder for a while then throw a life line.

Unknown said...

Sorry, I know how much your heart is breaking.

But what is a worse feeling? Helping them and seeing it do nothing, or not helping them and forcing them to help themselves?

On My Soapbox said...

If they truly do not have any money, they need to apply for State assistance, food stamps, etc. There may also be assistance available via the kids' schools. Is it possible that your daughter/SiL put your grandson up to emailing you? Regardless, it's so hard.... I think you are doing the right thing, though. They are adults and need to learn responsibility for their actions. They will not learn if you bail them out yet again.

Bargain Decorating with Laurie said...

I really believe that, as difficult as it is, you are doing the right thing. We can't keep enabling our adult children to not take responsibility. I know it hurts though, and I'm saying a prayer for you. laurie

Henrietta Collins said...

speaking as a child of generous parents such as yourself, i can tell you you're absolutely right. i didn't learn a g.d. thing until i finally had to do it on my own. and yes, i was angry at my parents initially, and yes, i crashed and burned when they withdrew their help, and i had to start all over again. but at least i've pulled my head from my arse at the age of 32, and finally grown up.

i would have kept taking my parents help forever and never done anything for myself for the rest of my life, had i been given the choice.

Jenner said...

That's one of the worst things about being a parent, I'm sure. Everyone has to learn to live within their means. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is for you to see it taken out on your grandchildren though. I wish I had some advice. Thinking about it makes me tear up. I've never been financially stable, but it's nothing that has ever effected my daughter in any way. It has to tear you up inside, but you can't always bail them out.

LaNeshe said...

So sorry to hear that. I hope things turn out right. But you are right, they have to live their lives.

Am I Really Grown Up? said...

My parents are in this exact situation with my sister. They have given her thousands of dollars, helped her escape from her abusive husband only to have her run back to him, over and over. Stay strong even though it's hard to do.


Yeah it's going to be super tough but sometimes you have to let people struggle a little. Just a little bit. It does not make you a bad person boo. Just keep the faith and KNOW that he will be more than okay sooner than you think ;)

*hugs and love ma*

KittyCat said...

Just wanted to say hey.
got in trouble at wk for internet use. : ( jsut didnt want you to think I forgot about you.

Hope your doing well.


A Daft Scots Lass said...

Its hard but tough love is hard.

Those little fuckers will suck you dry if you let them.

Pam Kessler said...

So sorry to hear that. It has to be hard, but you have helped before. They have to learn how to dig themselves out of it. We've been through similar things with my BIL and SIL and they still haven't got it. And they still try to make us feel guilty at Christmas that they have to get help from their church rather than their family. Frustrating.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine how bad the email must have made you feel but stick to your guns. I believe you are doing the right thing.

Patricia Singleton said...

You are in a very difficult position. Having grandchildren in the picture makes it even more difficult to know what to do.

My sister taught me this hard lesson years ago. She would ask for money. I would give it. I would talk to her on the phone and cry for an hour afterwards every time that we talked. I always felt so bad at how she, her husband and children were living.

I didn't know that she was a battered wife on top of everything else. She didn't reveal that until many years after she left him.

I would give them money. The situation never seemed to get any better. They were heavy smokers at the time and never seemed to go without cigarettes at any time.

For years, she was resentful that I had the money to give when she asked for it and advice which she never followed. I was resentful for having to give her the money that was supposed to be a loan and was never paid back and that she never followed any of the advice that she asked for and I gave.

Finally, our relationship changed and got much better when I stopped giving the money and the advice. The resentment stopped for both of us. Today if I give money, it is a gift, not a loan. The gift is with no expectations on my part and doesn't happen very often. I hold no resentment about money today so I am happier.

LilPixi said...

That's so tough.
I'm so sorry you're in that situation, mama. =(