POLICE BLOTTER: Mailman saves Banshee Woman. A mailman heard screams coming from a house a few doors down from where he was delivering mail. He reports that he started running through the snowdrifts, slowing only to toss the mail at the next two houses. He sees the Banshee Woman out in front of her house, screaming and totally out of control. He hands her the mail which she immediately throws up in the air like rice at a wedding. Feeling an increased sense of urgency, the mailman tosses her catalogs and magazines to the ground and reaches into his bag, bringing out a white package. The Banshee screams as she rips the package out of the mans hand and tears it open with her teeth. She dumps the contents into her hands, opens the cap and immediately pops two pills into her mouth. The mailman stayed by her side until her breathing slowed. She then thanked him for bringing her xanax.
GOVERNMENT: This is a reminder that on January 1st 2011, a law went into effect prohibiting smoking inside one's house. Please obey the law.
On a more positive note, there is a new government program that many are unaware of. Everyone is eligible regardless of race, religion or political party. Due to the cost, this program will be implemented at random - see related article below. Even if you are not a model, this will be a wonderful addition to your home. At select intersections, there will be cameras set up to capture your picture. These beautiful head shots will be delivered right to your door. Each photo comes complete with the time, date and place your photo was taken. They come ready to frame. These photos are yours to keep for the low, low price of $100.00. But Wait! Shipping and handling are free. This is not a limited time offer. So, watch your mailbox. You may be one of the lucky ones. In the rare instance that you are not pleased with your picture, please bring it in to the courthouse nearest you.
In related news,..President and Mrs. Hussein have informed the press that they discovered their daughters had been raiding the government coffers. They have assured the public that the debt. will be fully paid back once the girls are old enough to get jobs. The President then closed the press conference by letting the public know that they shouldn't be alarmed when their taxes continue to rise. Oprah Winfrey offered to pay the children's debt - while in a private meeting in the presidents bedroom. President Hussein declined her generous offer and thanked her - *twice*.