Thursday, November 15, 2012

Head rush

My thoughts as soon as I wake up.  First thought or actually feeling is the rush of anxiety that comes over me before I even get out of bed.  Facing the day ahead.  And there is nothing to fear.  Then a brief period of thinking about being dead rather than trying to live.  Easier.  My life is actually quite easy.  I do nothing.  Then I feel worthless.  Then I tell myself to get my ass in gear.  My mind says it will work.  My ass says...just wait another day.  You have time to do all the shit you should be doing.  Then the anxiety of not doing it.  I know all the things I need to do, none of these is at all difficult.  I just need to quit smoking and eating and I will be up and about doing all this stuff.  The stuff being washing down every surface of my home.  Rinse and repeat.  The next day and the next and over and over until it becomes a habit much like brushing my teeth, though I am a bit of a slacker there.  So.....that's life? 

I will throw on some clothes which sadly involves wearing a bra.  And shoes.  I will get gas and cigs and then to the grocery store for a few things I need and yeah, I will write the check for $30-$40 over so I have some cash.  But to talk myself into doing this I will bribe myself with the reward of going to the thrift store.  I walk around with a cart.  It is a solitary activity.  There is no pressure.  It is as relaxing as a massage.  I am justifying this by telling myself I need to look for a suitcase.  You do know I have all the suitcases I need, right? 

You wouldn't want to be married to me.  I am no longer a good wife.  I am not really needed as a mother and my grandkids are too old to want to cuddle and play.  My grandkids in Vegas are young enough but they aren't cuddly as they weren't raised that way.  My DIL is not a hugger.  She may love but there is nothing demonstrative or verbal about that love.  I touch, feel and cry.  Son and DIL do laugh and they are fun to be around.
You would not want to be married to me.  I am only good at sex and that has become a difficult and nearly unnecessary thing in my  old man's husbands life.
 I would not be the wife for you because I have feelings.  I only require minimal concern and a few truly kind and selfless gestures.  I don't want to be lied to.  I can accept a multitude of things but I need to hear them from my husband.  I would want a husband to want to care for me.  To listen.
But the biggest think, the main reason you wouldn't want to be married to me is because I would want to be at the top of your list.  The very top.  If the train was coming and you could save only one person of many, I would want to be the first one you save.  The first one you need to save because you can't dream of living without me.

Norman Rockwell much?


Outcast said...

It saddens me that you wake up and question your existence Middle Child because like you say there really is no need to worry about the day ahead. You're a wonderful person and you are a good wife and a good daughter in all honesty I hope that you can find happiness and that your day goes well today.

Wanda's Wings said...

I think you are a wonderful person that is too hard on yourself. All anyone can handle is one day at a time. I am sure your family see this. Hope you have a wonderful day.

klahanie said...

I sense your pain, your overwhelming sensations of anxiety and the panicky rush that comes with the thought of getting out of bed.

I can say a load of stuff that might come across as meaningless crap. So what I will say is that your feelings, your hopes, dreams and desires, are to be cherished. You gotta' believe in yourself and I know that those that read your powerful yet painful words, believe in you.

In hope and sincerity, your way, Gary

lotta joy said...

I used to get angry when I'd read women's magazines, mentioning how to serve their husbands, etc. But what really made me mad were the articles by women, bragging on their husband's qualities. I figured it was all fantasy.

I need to tell you: at the ripe age of 51, I found out there ARE men like that! Not many, so you have to pass on 99% of them and wait it out. All you need is ONE, and they do exist.

Choleesa said...

Not at all unreasonable, the things you want.

The Reckmonster said...

You have every right to want to be adored to no end. Any woman worth her weight in gold is a woman who knows her own worth. You, my dear, are worth a jillion gold bricks! Never forget that.

Kelly said...

I'm quite familiar with your pain. Your pain and your questioning of your self-worth is keeping you down but you can bring yourself out of it. I think you have that inner strength to do it. To stop procrastinating.

But you have to fight for yourself.

I know it's incredibly hard but you just have to force yourself to get up and live or you'll stay in the hole of despair for an undetermined amount of time.

Take care, Middle child and get well soon. You can write me anytime and I'll comfort you with my words as much as possible. having been diagnosed with major depressive disorder kinda gives me an edge or insight to what you're going through, no matter how you got there.

Rob-bear said...

Wow! You've given me/us a whole lot of reasons for wanting to be married to you.

But two chronic depressives in one marriage? I wonder how that would work.