Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Wanna swing with me?

Next mood coming up in 3.....2.....1...BAM!   And what do we have today?  Who do we have today?  I'm guessing it will get better.  It's early morning and I'm not at my best.  Ok.  There isn't a best.  I  am feeling life is just a "round and round" game.  Why am I here?  What's the point?  I would apologize to God for saying that but He already knows how I feel.  Get up  Do stuff.  Go to bed.  Repeat.  I feel like I am worthless.  Who do I help?  What difference do I make?  I am a bad wife, mother and Christian.  So....here I am.  Nothing.  No one.  I rarely engage in life.  Oh, to be sure I am there but.....not. I don't mean this to be a pity party.  I just wish......

You know, wouldn't it be awesome if we could choose how to feel, decide we want to be energetic or peaceful?  To be not who we "should" be but who we want to be......how we want to feel at any given time.  Fake it 'till you make it?  I wouldn't say I fake it but.....perhaps that is what I am doing when I am somewhere other than home.  I don't get excited.  I am tired of small talk.  I am tired of feeling different.  How cool would it be to get up looking forward to the day.  To get busy and feel a sense of accomplishment at what we do.  To enjoy life! 

I don't even have to work!  How lucky am I?  I remember having to go to work when my kids were just little and being a single parent.  I remember the Saturday morning when my little boy asked me, "Mommy, are you gonna watch us today?"  Like a babysitter.  I cried at that.  I was their mother and had to miss alot of firsts.  Then continuing to work as my second husband was on disability due to having several heart attacks and bypass surgery.  Then still working as a widow.  Going through the motions.  I suppose no one's life is what they had thought it would be.  I have so much to be grateful for and yet.....

I will go about my day.  Watering all the flowers because they desperately need it.  Laundry.  Therapist.  Oddly, I dod enjoy the drive out there. Stopping to pick up meds.  I have a sleep study Thurs. night.  They were supposed to call me with details.  They haven't so I will call them.  It gets old.  May go out to one of the kids ballgames this evening.  Weather has turned nice-cooler and less humid.

That's life.  It's stupid.

Back again.  Got towels in the washer.  Remember how I always loved to hang clothes?  Now it seems much easier to just throw them in the dryer.  Lazy bitch.  We decided to go out to Cain's game.  Will alternate between his and Meadow's.  We were just up north for that party.  Had talked about going to see an old/good friend who was in a nursing home but didn't.  He wasn't really aware of anything.  Found out he died yesterday.  Planning to go up once we know when his funeral is.  Could be Thursday or Friday  Another 6 hour trip..  If so, I will be putting off  my sleep study.  How can I study if I'm asleep?  I have to go to the same place/people as last time.  They are from India and I am not prejudice by any means.  But the last time she lost one of my couplers for my c-pap and also there was another patient walking around looking for her. They don't seem to listen to what we have to say about our concerns.  I will be sure to at least tell them what I need to tell them.
 We are waiting to hear about Don's funeral.  He was the coolest guy. 

I have to wonder what it would be like to be off all these meds.  It would be different but would it maybe be better?  I know if my blood pressure wasn't controlled...my heart would explode.  Keeping my pressure under control is the most important thing in preventing my aneurysm from bursting.  That's what the Thorasiccardio surgeon said.  Not taking my diabetes meds would probably lead to losing a leg or two.  Then I'd get to be pushed around in a wheelchair.  But I could also go blind and then I'd get a seeing eye dog.  Not taking my crazy meds would cause me to be depressed and uninterested in life.  Oh wait.  I already am.  The only thing that's helped my depression is my thyroid medicine.  Go figure.  Have you been counting up the pills?  That's right.  8 pills every morning and I'm not even sixty yet.  Oh-plus one at night and then there's the Xanax 1-3 a day.  I usually need only one now that I am on this thyroid medicine.  Seriously, if I started drinking and quit the meds, wouldn't I be in a better place?  Yeah, I know it's a depressant but it is also fun.  Besides, it is a family tradition.  There again I am not doing what I should.  I  am the black sheep of the family. Actually, my parents are now deceased.  I have no contact with my older  sister who is a recovering achoholic.  My younger sister does her drinking out in Colorado and I am not sure she does it on a proffesional basis.  My two uncles....

I'll get a shower and get on with my day.

10 comments:

AVY said...

Life sucks sometimes, but what other choice to we have than to live it?

/ Avy
http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com



Red Shoes said...

Even when Life is crappy, it's good, I think... :o)

~shoes~

Furry Bottoms said...

Life is definitely not the way I wanted it to go. I don't want to suffer these migraines, these mood swings, these crappy road bumps... but it is what it is. I wish we could choose our moods too. People in general think you OUGHT to be able to, right? If your mood rubs them the wrong way, you're doing it on purpose!! God forbid!

Kristy said...

You can have many bad days without beating yourself up that your not good enough. You sound depressed and maybe oppressed by the people around you. You have had a lot on your plate lately and a lot of stress. Please try to be kind to yourself. I think your a good person. Hang in there .

Gnetch said...

Do you know how much I admire the honesty of all your blog posts? Whatever's happening in your life, you write it without thinking twice. That's why I love reading it!!

Life sucks. It really does. But at least you're strong. And awesome too! :)

WhisperingWriter said...

Life can be rough at times :/

grins said...

As you know I work hard at having some semblance of sane.
A couple off beat books that have helped me over the years.

Maxwell Maltz- Psycho-cybernetics. (The first, his subsequent books not so much.)

And Cheri Huber The "Fear Book" and also, "Suffering is optional."

I Woke up in a lot of pain today too.

Anonymous said...

Sleep study? Don't be shocked if you find a gob of electrode glue in your hair two days later. Some of that stuff is elusive, no matter how carefully you wash your hair...

Just Be Real said...

Each day is an adventure in itself. Blessings.

Grammy Goodwill said...

Bless your heart. It seems like some people have so much and others have so little, whether you're talking about material things, or friendships, or happiness, or whatever. I hope writing and our comments help make your days a little easier and help you feel better.