The Breaking of Karen.

That will be the title of my book should I ever decide to write one.  Please don't steal my title cuz you never know.  I just might write a book someday!

 I have been doing so well since going on the synthyroid.  I thought my depression was gone.  I didn't realize it was only on hiatus.  Hunter has decreased my "allowance" to $28 a week.  Can I just remind everyone that we have money?  Again...that's for cigs, gas and anything else I might want including snacks.  Now I can't even visit the McDonald's $1 menu.  At this point I started crying.  I am a silent crier but I can't do anything about the tears that roll down my cheeks.  All this because I spent too much money on the credit card last month.  That's right.  I treated my daughter, 3 grand kids and one of their friends to dinner that day because their dad (Dawn's husband) left for work and would be gone 6 weeks. I had also taken the 3 kids to Target so they could get their mom a mother's day gift and cards.  Ok.  So that's about $200.00.
 When we visit his kids in Florida, he picks up every tab.  'Course that's different.  They are his family.  Family includes only those who share the same bloodline.  Let's me out of the mix.  And as for his "cousin's and aunts" he considers them blood even though his mom was adopted and so.....no blood connection there  This "blood" thing came up fairly recently.  It was in talking about our grandkids.   He tells people he has 2 grandkids and I have 5.  I always thought we had 7. These kids were all born after we were married. That's when he told me about who constitutes family

  He always picks up the tab-"Big man on campus"- as well as carrying lots of hundreds in his wallet.  He buys and gives to anyone and everyone except....me.  Yes, he did finally buy me the solitaire ring that he'd been promising since day one. (his idea, not mine)  But then made it a point for everyone to look at the ring he bought me.
FUCK HIM!!!!! I had asked him for an advance on my allowance and he asked if I needed it to buy cigs.  I told him yes.  He asked if I was going right then and I said no, that I would be leaving in a couple minutes.  I was ready and he still hadn't given me money so I took all the change I keep in a large glass jug, brought it the kitchen table and started counting it. 
.I was still crying and shaking -I mean really physically shaking with ...RAGE?...or.....  I was even scaring myself!  When I was about halfway done counting, he said,  "Why didn't you ask me?  I thought you were going later."  I just kept counting and then he asked me where I had gotten the money.  Really?  You are thinking I took some of your precious money?  I said nothing.  Then he says....."what,...... did you have it in a bag somewhere?"  I just said  "Yeah."  So he opens his wallet and gives me $120.00 for the month of June.
 So I am at the gas station, having left my sunglasses on because really, who wants to see the crying face of someone who has just been emotionally abused.  The man before me was a little short on change to get some beef jerky so I gave him a dollar.  He said some very kind words and the sweetness and honesty of it made me cry all the more and as I was leaving, I tearfully thanked him for being nice to me.  This touched him and I could see concern on his face.  Where are these kind people?
I went to the park and parked in the shade and sat there a bit to collect myself.  Then I came home and mowed and watered all my flowers.  Emptied the  dishwasher.  Etc.
OK.  So Hunter has diarrhea and doesn't feel well.  And that is my fault how?  Then came the comments where he asked  if I was going to use the new mower he bought me saying that he bought it because he thought that was the one I wanted.  Um....  No.  He came home from Wisconsin with it.  It is too BIG.  I can't get into the tiny spots/spaces that are all over the lawn, it's self-propelled and rears up like the Lone Ranger's horse, Silver.  Our yard is small.  But oh gee.....it has a cup holder.  Just what I needed, like I am so parched after mowing for 40 minutes.  He's like, if you aren't going to use it, should he sell it or what?!   I just pigheadedly told him to get it out and I would start using it and yes, he can sell or give away the other old one.
Sorry about this post but I had to get it out.  I started reading posts first and noticed I was making my comments all about me.  I try not to do that.
So...it's 5 pm and since he is so sick, though not enough that he was still able to wake me  2 hours into a really good sleep, to satisfy his own needs....and also able to go see Annie, the sweet lady a couple houses down to pick up newspapers and sit and talk..... it's safe to say I will leave him to fix his own pablum or whatever his poor, poor tummy can handle.  Bet you it's beer and tortia chips and jalapeno pepper cheese.
I had also left a message at the church cuz Hunter had told me I should price everything before I packed it up.  I called to see if this way so.  They called back and Hunter came out to tell me they called.  I told him that I was going to keep it and have my own garage sale.  I didn't add that I needed the money.  In other words....I am not talking to the Bastard except to answer actual questions.  Then God gently reminded me that He would take care of me and I knew that I should go ahead and take the stuff to the church.  So I called the gal from church and asked about pricing stuff and she said "Oh no.  We have staff taking care of that".  I also asked if we could still bring it Sunday -Hunter told me we couldn't bring it during the week as they needed the fellowship hall during the week.  She said if we absolutely had to but that they would prefer if I could bring it during the week instead
.
I must admit to taking a few extra pills today.  What ever gets you through, right?  Speaking of pills, Hunter asked me if I was taking some of his Tylenol 3 (w/codiene.)  I said yes, before I'd gotten meds for my muscle spasms.  He's like, "Oh.  Because I counted them again and 6 were missing."  He hadn't used any.  He never takes pain pills prefering to self-medicate with booze.  I could go on and on about all the weird things he does like writing the dates on cans of food we buy and other things.  The way he keeps envelopes that crap comes in.....enough.  Again, sorry for this post but...