I know. Always bitching. Sorry. Happy Valentines Day and 17th Anniversary, right? I spent the morning smoking and drinking my coffee in the garage, planning my divorce. Had to have some tests at the new hospital (more intensive mammogram and then they decide to do ultrasound-no babies in my boob!). Had received a call the day before and when the girl at the hospital called and said I'd have to go in to do this I said, "Cool!" Yup. That's the way a crazy woman thinks. I was thinking that this could get me out of going on this trip with Hunter, who I can no longer talk too and I may get into that also. After I had hung up with her, having made the appt., I surprised myself by crying a little bit. I thought about it a bit and decided to see if Hunter would be around to take me in case I found myself in need of support. I figured I'd be fine going by myself but I always like to have a plan B, you know. So I asked him if he'd be available that morning and he said he didn't know and asked why. I told him and he just thought they were redoing the same mammogram at the same facility (where I'd just had the 1st one). Then he was-and has been-a dick so after he said something about it having to do with my liver-what? I realized he wasn't listening and didn't care and again he had me so shaky and upset inside, I told him never mind, that I would go alone.
Many of you know what I am talking about. I just wanted a little support or at least for someone to care. I wasn't worried about the procedure or even really thinking about the possibility of cancer. I'm fine. Looks benign for now and they just want me to go back in 6 months for another ultrasound. Thyroid re-check showed that nodule(s?) had grown so he wants me to come in so he can physically examine it. But before that, he wants me to go for a C.T. of my lungs. No biggie. I think all I have left is my colonoscopy which is nothing except for having to drink all that crap and then having to drink some more. Gag! Couldn't they have it in flavors like.........whiskey? It's worth it to me cuz they do that I.V. push. Have you ever known me to turn down drugs? Yes legal, of course.
So yeah. You can tell I am getting old talking about my health. Stop me when I start talking about Gout and Rheumatism.
If/when I get a laptop, I will take it into the garage with me and you will get my early morning thoughts. They are pretty bad. It's like I am still feeling my dreams which 3-4 times a week are about my 1st husband cheating on me. (which happen it real life) I have a multitude of dreams every night, for real. When they figure out how to record dreams, I guarantee you I will be a cult figure. I also think about suicide on occasion. I think about how I just want to go back to bed. I think about things I want to or should do that day.
I know others have real problems. Please don't think this is a pity party. I am just feeling a little lost in my marriage right now. The good thing is.....at least I get to look forward to going to sleep every night in a nice warm bed.
Hm. Guess I should have warned you in the beginning to skip this post cuz it is just stupid complaining, as always. But.....