Thursday, December 8, 2011

I know many of you are riding this same ride.....but I just can't see you!

I often sit in the garage simmering in my sadness.  Sometimes I write stuff that I have to get off my chest and I plan to blog about it later.  But.  #1 - When I write a post, I just start off and see what comes out of my head, like I am just venting or talking to you.  I don't draft or write anything in advance.  And #2  - Everything changes.  I don't think it's me but I don't discount the notion.  It is other peoples actions, words or lack thereof that gets me down.  And so it is- in essence- my fault for caring.  I am too sensitive.  I often feel like I am in my own little joy bubble.  I don't think others notice me and it is becoming harder and harder for me to see them.  I think it odd that when they stick a pin in my bubble, it doesn't POP. rather..each time they do I get another tiny slow leak.   Then after a time, I am totally deflated.  It's never just one thing though most of you know what a big part Hunter plays in my emotions.  Again I say...it is I who allows all this crap to bother me.  I actually used to pray that God would harden my heart so I wouldn't get so hurt all the time.  But then I thought it wouldn't be worth it because then I would also be hardened against all the beauty and joy, laughter and love that is all around us.  It saddens me that so many people don't notice or care about anything but themselves.
I need to know how to love as I do while not giving a shit what others think.  Is that even possible?

9 comments:

Coffeypot said...

It is possible. I do it daily. Loving is easy and shutting out the bullshit is even easier. You can be selective as to what you want to harden your heart too and still love the joys of life. It is the joys that keeps the hardening from taking over.

Ms. A said...

Coffeypot seems to have it figured out. I don't. I'm riding the ride with you, but never seem to end up anywhere different. If it helps, I do understand.

Kristy said...

It is hard to cope with the daily bs and stress of life. I'm gradually learning and it has been a long bumpy road. I see you do try very hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. Try to be kind to your soul. I also agree with Coffey

Jennifer Kay said...

We're twins! I'm so sensitive that even at 34 years old I will bust out and cry the minute somebody raises their voice to me!

I find that when I have lower self esteem about myself I get in your dark place. When I start losing weight (for example) and gain confidence things don't hurt me as much.

Chin up buttercup!

That corgi :) said...

Thanks for your kind comment on my Fear of the Lord blog post about Nearing Home. Please don't pray for a hardened heart, believe me you, you really don't want. I find myself with a hardened heart about something and I'm praying that God will unharden it. I struggle with the very same thing you struggle with. Best we can do is keep praying and learn to love as Jesus loved; he was the best example of it. Hard to do some days though! I added myself as a follower to your blog; looking forward to getting to know you more.

I hope the day is a kind one for you.

betty

Just Plain Tired said...

You don't want to harden your heart but ignoring BS is highly recommended.

Sairs said...

I do get what you mean. I am very sensative too, to anything really, an expression, a word, a look or even not one. I wouldn't harden my heart though, because then I wouldn't be moved by things that are beautiful in so many ways. Be gentle with yourself, you really do deserve it!
*hugs*
Sarah

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

As someone who has experienced both, I think it's better to have a somewhat harder heart. I still appreciate plenty of beauty. I wouldn't want to have a really hardened heart though. I wish I could tell you exactly how I made the shift, but I can't.
+followed

Snowbrush said...

I don't know that there is necessarily a connection between being easily hurt by others and being sensitive to beauty. The first comes, I believe, from the fear of not being loved, and the latter from love.