I often sit in the garage simmering in my sadness. Sometimes I write stuff that I have to get off my chest and I plan to blog about it later. But. #1 - When I write a post, I just start off and see what comes out of my head, like I am just venting or talking to you. I don't draft or write anything in advance. And #2 - Everything changes. I don't think it's me but I don't discount the notion. It is other peoples actions, words or lack thereof that gets me down. And so it is- in essence- my fault for caring. I am too sensitive. I often feel like I am in my own little joy bubble. I don't think others notice me and it is becoming harder and harder for me to see them. I think it odd that when they stick a pin in my bubble, it doesn't POP. rather..each time they do I get another tiny slow leak. Then after a time, I am totally deflated. It's never just one thing though most of you know what a big part Hunter plays in my emotions. Again I say...it is I who allows all this crap to bother me. I actually used to pray that God would harden my heart so I wouldn't get so hurt all the time. But then I thought it wouldn't be worth it because then I would also be hardened against all the beauty and joy, laughter and love that is all around us. It saddens me that so many people don't notice or care about anything but themselves.
I need to know how to love as I do while not giving a shit what others think. Is that even possible?