Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Daughter.

Remember my grief? Remember my heartbreak at the no money comment from my grandson? Well, their phones were supposed to be off for three months. They were back on in 3 days but OPPS, my daughter didn't let me know. WTF! Also, son-in-law got a job!!!!!! Again, she didn't tell me. I learned all this from my grandson who is really getting pissed at his parents. Sure, they are stressed. But that is no reason to take it out on the kids. Makes me sick. (this is verbal BTW, ) My daughter also took off work to be home with her husband. So. 12 hours of $$ not earned. Remind me of this when I cry again.

Oh, the reply thing? It is what Thunder said in her comment on my last post. There are one or two bloggers that have this in their comment section. When you go to make a comment, you can see that each comment has a reply box to reply to a specific comment. I did find this once while messing around with settings or whatever, but can't find it now that I want to do it. So, if you are reading and know what I mean, let me know. Thanks.


suz said...

Somebody's playing you. Stand strong.

Red Shoes said...

I agree with 'Suz'... I think you are being played as well.

I worry about how my daughter and her husband spend money. There are so many things for which they don't have money, but I learned that last year sometime, they spent $1800 for two (2)... TWO... tickets to go see the Saints play.

Yet, they don't have ANY kind of health insurance.

I've counted to TEN WAY too many times because of their spending habits... AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you love your family, but their problems can't be your problems. Unfortunately, it seems that they are playing you through your grandson.



Red Shoes said...

PS: I would call them on the phone... and ask why the phones are back on... if they were indeed supposedly cut off for 3 months...


On My Soapbox said...

It is so frustrating to see family members do stupid stuff with money. I'm going through the same thing, except it's with my parents. I told them I would not bail them out. If they have to file for bankruptcy, so be it. It's not my doing.

The Reckmonster said...

Oh sheesh...I hate when people take advantage of their parents because they're too lazy to get their shit together. And even worse when they have their OWN kids that suffer as a result. I say you stand your ground with your daughter - she's old enough to know better and learn her lesson! But, I do ache (like you must times a million!) for your grandson. Hang in there, sister!

Shen said...

Through CoDA I've been learning that my own extremely sensitive personality has contributed to the way others get things from me. I enable others to depend on me in a way because I can't stand to see them suffer - even in small ways.

I don't know if I'm saying this well or not, but I get the feeling that this is happening with you, too.

For me, it's helped to back off some, to allow things to go to hell for a while in some relationships so that people will take responsibility for their own issues.

It is not something I've been able to do with my parents in many ways, at least not so far. I have been made to be responsible for them and now that they are in their 80s it's pretty hard to change that. I feel caught, trapped.

I really do understand how upsetting this can be.

Shen said...


In regards to the comment you left on my blog - yes. Children of Alcoholics make up the majority of people in CoDA. I've also gone to ACOA meetings and Al-Anon and there is a lot of overlap (even though my parents were/are not alcoholics).

Being codependent means that you become addicted to relationships the way others become addicted to shopping, gambling, drinking, food, etc. When one is addicted, our sense of the thing we're addicted to is warped. We give it more importance than we should. We go farther to protect that loved thing than is good for us.

For codependents, this means that we tend to take on responsibility for things in those relationships that are not really ours to take on. We sometimes feel as if it's our right or duty to give advice, money, help, etc. when in reality it is up to the other person/people to take care of their own needs. Adults are responsible for their own lives. Period. If you feel as if you are responsible for your adult children or for anyone else other than yourself you might ask yourself why you feel that way.

This is my experience, my "wisdom" and may or may not apply to anyone else. If you feel it might apply to you there are some great books out there and you might even look into a coda meeting in your area.

If you want any reading suggestions, let me know. I don't want to overstep my bounds here... I'm just trying to answer your questions.

Shen said...

I can believe it hasn't come up in therapy. My first therapist scoffed at twelve step programs. I don't know why. He was also not a very spiritual person, so maybe that had something to do with it. I'm glad my current therapist is more open to a variety of approaches to the same issues.

Have you read anything by Melodie Beattie? When I read "Codependent No More" it was life-changing for me. I had no idea what codependency was and so this book was eye opening.

Another book of hers that is very popular is "The Language of Letting Go". This is a book of short readings - one for every day of the year. I actually have the LOLG daily reading sent to me email by someone, every day.

The book,"Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody is another good one. She is the one who runs 'The Meadows' - a very expensive retreat house for codependency. I've heard good things about her book, The Initimacy Factor - but I have not read it yet.

When I wrote the Hole in the Soul story (on my blog) it was about codependency. I've been going to meetings for going on three years now, have worked the steps, and sponsor others in the program. It's made a big difference in how I look at all my relationships.

Hope that helps.

Unknown said...

It is very painful to watch a loved one hit rock bottom. Sometimes it is the only way back to the top. Don't be played, stay on the sidelines.

Anonymous said...

Oh, your daughter is rich(not in the financial sense). She thinks she is punishing you by not letting you in on her good fortune. If I were you I would take solace in the fact you may have a few weeks free of her nagging you for money.

Anonymous said...

Oh and swing by my blog cause I have dedicated my recent Just For You to you! Hooray...I heart Middle Child!

Hotel in Brugge said...

Lovely posting and cool idea for daughter . really great story and interesting !!

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Helene said...

I can't even imagine how upsetting this is for you. As Suz said, stand strong. Sometimes they have to learn to stand on their own two feet.

Unknown said...

Sheesh. That would make me very upset and frustrated. I'll be praying for you. Stay strong..!

LiBBy said...

I never had a daughter which is really good because I hear that not even chewing a Xanax can make parenting a daughter enjoyable.

Linda Medrano said...

I'm sorry you are going through such turmoil, but so glad I found you. You are a very special woman and I hated thinking I had lost you. Now, Sweetie, don't lose yourself.