Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Angry Yesterday.

Still angry.  Why not?  It's something to do, right?
I get an allowance now. $200 a month.  Yeah, sounds sophomoric yet generous.  With that money, I am to buy cigarettes and gas and snacks or Mc.D's, peanuts, M&M's and anything else I should want, like going to the thrift stores.  He did say that I could buy stuff for the house and clothes-and this isn't really what it sounds like.  Yes, you are all correct.  I should just quit smoking. But here's the thing....I have smoked ever sense he met me, as did he.
57 years old and I get a fuckin' allowance.
I know. Divorce him.  Bah.  Nothing is ever real or honest or pure.
I feel like this is not my home planet.
My favorite thing-besides going to the flea market with my late husband-is to be the hospital after having surgery and being on dalauded.  People taking care of me and caring.  Yeah, it's their job but at this point I would settle for fake concern.
I am not making light of the following but I am curious.  How does it feel emotionally to cut?
Does anyone think it would be better to drink than to be on all this medication?
I am just looking for a way to feel better.

10 comments:

Ms. A said...

Cut? Seriously? I couldn't do it. I understand anger and depression, but doing something to bring on more pain, doesn't sound like a solution. I used to paint. I wasn't good at it, but it took my mind off of everything else. Have you tried a hobby?

The Bipolar Diva said...

unfortunately cutting is ethereal for me. Luckily I haven't surrendered to it's spell in quite some time. Allowance? I think I need to make a trip and have a talk with a certain someone!

Coffeypot said...

I care!

The Bipolar Diva said...

I just read the comment you left on Karli's blog post for tonight. I'm still laughing!

Copyboy said...

Happy you get the bucks! Not so happy you buy cigs. :)

Furry Bottoms said...

Well, don't cut. It is an immediate release for me, yes, but it isn't healthy. I don't do it anymore. And now I have to explain some gnarly scars when people ask whats that? What happened? and how does it sound when you say you cut yourself? People are going to think you're wacko. So don't do it.

Drinking is a temporary solution... and there is always the risk of it becoming an addiction, so don't go there either.

Buy something extremely ugly, red-neckish and grotesque and park it where the world can see it, maybe? It might embarrass your husband into giving more or just allowing you free rein.

Did he say WHY? I would be offended. An allowance at my age, gesh!

Sairs said...

Don't ever start cutting, it can be very addictive. I have hundreds of white scars on my wrists and some on my legs and you just can't explain them away. Wherever I go to work, they know I did this to myself. As for how it feels, sometimes it stings, sometimes it doesn't and is just a pressure on where you are doing it. It doesn't feel real. I get an absolute high out of it when I do do it, I haven't for over 2 months now thankfully. Anyway, yeah, never even try it... please!!!!
*hugs*
Sarah

Impulsive Addict said...

Please don't cut. Cutting just sounds (and looks) painful. Drinking is fun for a while. Then your liver gets all gross. Just blog. Blogging helps doesn't it? We don't judge. Well....I don't anyway.

I'm still in shock that you get an allowance. And $200 doesn't go very far.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

May I ask, without sounding like a big ass - Why don't you leave him? - And why if you are already in pain would you want more?

I'm not judging. I don't have any right to do so. As I dont' think anyone does. We each have our own circumstances, but I was just curious.

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