Monday, June 20, 2011

Don't want to be alive.

I just don't want to be alive. It's too hard. It's to stupid. What do I do that is of any consequence? Nothing. I would never take my own life. It's just that there is nothing here for me. I do nothing. I am nothing. This is not a poor me post. It is just a fact or possibly a feeling. I can't wait to....nothing. I am looking forward to......nothing. I accomplish nothing. I want to sleep. Even though my dreams are usually not fun, at least something is going on in them.
I will go to my therapist tomorrow and tell her everything is ok. Really, what can she do or tell me that I don't already know? I had planned to go back to bed after 11 hours of sleep. But I will make The Hunter the chicken salad he wants and help him move the big rocks that got moved from where I had/wanted them. We will go to Meadow's ballgame tomorrow and if anyone is there besides myself, I will feel alone and unaccepted. Again, just my perception. I cannot help how I feel. I am too tired to even pretend. I told The Hunter, when asked, that I didn't want to be alive. Opps. Guess I'd never verbalized that before. We will probably go to church tonight. Will God speak to me there? I imagine so but I don't listen. I am a bad listener. Perhaps if He shouted. People are weird, mean, apathetic. I am present until I realize that I am the only one that can see and hear me. I will survive. It's just that I don't think surviving is enough. I have everything I need. No one is hurting me. I had an ok childhood. Depression is a mighty force and I can only think this is the basis of my emotional weirdness. If you haven't experienced depression, it is difficult to understand. I do not ask for pity. I am just stating the facts as I see them today. Peace.

19 comments:

Furry Bottoms said...

Depression is most definitely a powerful force, you're right about that.

You can hit me over the head after I say this though, if you want. You're entitled. At least it means it invoked some emotion in you ;-)

I wonder if... instead of just "waiting" for the happy to happen... you enforce it yourself? Not easy... no... but I've been where you are and found that happiness doesn't just come to me when I need it. I have to put things into motion to make it come to me.

What makes me happy is to escape into a book and fall into the story. You could maybe just make a spontaneous plan of some sort. You admitted that you're a lousy listener. I am willing to bet that you listen a lot more than you realize.

The hardest thing about he position you are in is that you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You will not take your own life (me neither) but you just don't feel good at the present. You don't know what other direction to take. So you're kind of at a stalamate... just...stuck. How to get out of there?

Find some way to unstuck yourself. Work at it. I know you will be OK and that won't be a lie... but you are not OK if you feel this low.

Silly Girl said...

I agree with Furry Bottoms. I have been in your situation. Sometimes it does take action. Plan an activity for each day whether it is making chicken or reading. I know you feel like you don't want to be alive but there are plenty of people who would miss having you in their life. You might not think it now but there are. Talk to your therapist and be honest.

Impulsive Addict said...

Oh no. You poor thing. My drama has NOTHING compared to how you're feeling. I get awkward with my words on what to say. I just like to listen but I needed you to know I listened so now I'm leaving a comment that has ZERO advice in it.

I suck.

But I listened.

Ms. A said...

I completely understand every word you just typed and can absolutely relate. I have no solution, (or I would be fixed) but if you ever need to talk, feel free to email me. I AM a good listener.

Suz said...

I'm wit Furry Bottoms, and would add: find the right meds!!! There are lots of options, and they are truly the difference between light and darkness.

The Reckmonster said...

I sooooo feel you on this post. There are periods I go through where all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is the ONLY thing I look forward to. My bed is my only safe haven. I could care less about anything but sleeping...and sometimes wishing I didn't have to wake up. And the whole "meh" attitude that goes with it. Nothing is appealing. Nothing is exciting. Everything seems pointless and is such a chore. And I have no motivation to do anything - even though I have to. I feel even worse because I go through these periods and I have a little boy to take care of. It's not fair to him when just making him dinner takes every ounce of energy I have. Yes. Depression sucks. I have struggled with it constantly over the years. I have learned that I just have to let it run its course. Mine is quite cyclical. I know that I'll go through the cycles, and as long as I maintain the "minimum" (e.g., going to work, taking care of the kid, etc.), I let myself sleep a lot more - knowing it will pass and at some point I'll be back to my usual self. Does yours cycle? If it does, have you kept track of what triggers it - or how long the "periods" of depression last? Sometimes just knowing enough to anticipate it can help you weather the storm and get you through it.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I just want you to know, that I am glad that you write about how you feel. At least here, you have an out. You aren't keeping it bottled up inside.

My daughter is bi-polar and sometimes has the same feelings you have. Just know that we are here when you need to talk.

Coffeypot said...

You are paying money to go to a therapist and you lie to her? You got too much money and just like throwing it away? Throw some my way. I take paypal.

Copyboy said...

Depression is so tough. I've had to deal with it first hand and I know the horrible effects. Stay strong! BTW...made you blog of the day!

All That Glitters said...

Yelp, I deal with this crap everyday. My dad made me in a funk yesterday. Thanks dad! Happy freakin fathers day to you asshole.

Your not alone for real.Get up and go do something. I've been sitting in this house for too long and i've had enough. Yeah, it's hot as hell outside but i'm happy. Planting pumpkin seeds tomorrow.

Stop by sometime.

Borderline Lil said...

I hear you Middle Child. Getting unstuck is bloomin' hard, getting up and out even harder. But I believe you can do it. Get help from that damn therapist!!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

No reason to feel this way? It is your RIGHT to feel anything you want to.

Force yourself out of the hole. Try something new. Obtain a new focus -You may be surprised as to what happens

Kristy said...

Hang in there. I can really relate. One thing that helps when I'm in that dark place is my SAD Lamp. Also, trying to see if I can get any of the situtational factors (stressors) fixed or to talk about them. It doesn't always work but time sure does with just trudging until I get my head above water. I can also relate that is gets old trudging. Be kind to yourself and take a nice break. Your mood will work its self out.

Joann Mannix said...

I am so sorry for your darkness. But look, look at all these comments. There are people who care. I know it's hard to see at the moment, but you do matter.

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." These ancient words have always given me comfort in my saddest days. You are as important as the stars and the sky. Remember that.

And please talk to your therapist. And like someone said before, the right meds will bring you all the light you so richly deserve. Be well, my friend. Look for the light.

Linda Medrano said...

Honey I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Seems to me maybe a switch or change in medications might be in order. I hope this stuff backs off. Please feel better.

sarah said...

I have felt this so many times....and wondered what and if there was any purpose to my life. I've come to see there really is....and it didn't come easy...I had to fight...more than I had in the past....which drove me nuts...but now...I've become strong where I used to be weak. I don't even know really how it happened but know this....I'm in your corner...routing for you.....Stay safe and strong okay...

Girl Next Door said...

Oh my sweet, my heart and prayers go out to u. You're doing right if seeking therapy. Also know that "this too shall pass", you'll see. Depression is a big pain but many have come out from it. I kinda agree w/Furry Bottoms w/ having to "put things in motion to have (hapiness) come to me." For me, I find that finding balance within myself helps, meditation, yoga..etc. You have to find yourself, get yourself back.
That so many have commented w/only good intentions should be a testimony of how YOU, your words are important and that you are doing something. By speaking up you are helping others.

IN THE WEEDS said...

I know how you feel! I felt this shitty for like five months straight! the only thing that made me feel a little better was some weed. I don't know what it was about the stuff, but it really took me out of my funk a little and got me eating again and laughing at stupid shit on tv!

when our "purpose" seems to drift away, life just feels meaningless.

you can't force your way out of it, something either comes along and makes it go away, or it goes away with medication.

my prayers are with you homie

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