I just don't want to be alive. It's too hard. It's to stupid. What do I do that is of any consequence? Nothing. I would never take my own life. It's just that there is nothing here for me. I do nothing. I am nothing. This is not a poor me post. It is just a fact or possibly a feeling. I can't wait to....nothing. I am looking forward to......nothing. I accomplish nothing. I want to sleep. Even though my dreams are usually not fun, at least something is going on in them.
I will go to my therapist tomorrow and tell her everything is ok. Really, what can she do or tell me that I don't already know? I had planned to go back to bed after 11 hours of sleep. But I will make The Hunter the chicken salad he wants and help him move the big rocks that got moved from where I had/wanted them. We will go to Meadow's ballgame tomorrow and if anyone is there besides myself, I will feel alone and unaccepted. Again, just my perception. I cannot help how I feel. I am too tired to even pretend. I told The Hunter, when asked, that I didn't want to be alive. Opps. Guess I'd never verbalized that before. We will probably go to church tonight. Will God speak to me there? I imagine so but I don't listen. I am a bad listener. Perhaps if He shouted. People are weird, mean, apathetic. I am present until I realize that I am the only one that can see and hear me. I will survive. It's just that I don't think surviving is enough. I have everything I need. No one is hurting me. I had an ok childhood. Depression is a mighty force and I can only think this is the basis of my emotional weirdness. If you haven't experienced depression, it is difficult to understand. I do not ask for pity. I am just stating the facts as I see them today. Peace.