Friday, March 4, 2011

It's not because of the rain.

Had trouble sleeping again last night. Weird thoughts and worries kept going in a steady loop through my head. Woke up feeling great this morning. I know, pick yourselves up off the floor. Decided to wash all the linens on the bed including the mattress pad. I doubt it will fall apart in the washer and dryer. But it's time for a new one. I also have a new bedspread-purchased a long time ago-that I want to wash and put on the bed. I asked The Hunter and he agreed to the mattress pad but said, no pillows. Mind you, I only wanted 2 cheap ones to put the shams on. We've had shams on the bed before, but he apparently had no clue what I was talking about even though I tried every which way to explain it to him. Once he 'got' it, there was a definite no. "We aren't decorating-we don't need them." So as I am trying to put out a few Easter/Spring decorations out, he is dismissing even that one effort on my part to make this place feel like a home. Realize this, he is still putting in windows. I know that, I help and offer to help. But we still don't have walls to replace the places where he torn down paneling-actually exposing the door frame where there used to be a door to the porch. Peeled some wallpaper, torn down a chimney for no reason and now there's that hole that goes from upstairs to the room below. This hole is about 20" x 20". Pieces of plaster occasionally fall from above. I have plaster and wood shavings in most of my rooms. We desperately need walls and carpeting or tile or since I'm dreaming-I might as well dream big-have our old oak floors refinished. I can't continue to live like this. It isn't a house and it sure as hell isn't a home. I find the valances I put up flipped up in the middle so The Hunter can see what's going on in the neighborhood he's like the old lady on the block who makes it her business to know what everyone is doing. And the valance on the back wall-is also flipped up so that he can shoot squirrels out the window.

Yes, I got a beautiful ring. Yes, he let me quit work. Yes, he's pretty much quit telling me what to do and doesn't even give me the daily litany of what a bad housewife I am and how he didn't get much for his investment etc.

But, it doesn't matter what I do, someone else's recipes and cleaning skills and creativity are always so very awesome. Someone's wife makes so much money. He knows sooo much about friends and new acquaintance's lives and trips and illnesses and their kids and their pets and,....he knows nothing about me. This is not because I am a poor communicator. You've all heard me. I don't play games. I don't nag. I am too easy going. I try to be supportive even of The Hunter's most idiotic ideas, most of which fail. I do not then say, "I told you so." I do not get mad about the bullshit lies he tells others.

I am me. I am here. I am nobody. I can do nothing. Should I keep trying to make a home or should I get pissed and give in and throw my cool decorating stuff away? Once-long ago-he got me mad enough that I took a big outdoor trash can up into our bedroom and started just throwing things away. I regret it now because there were some beautiful watches-among other cool/expensive things that I just threw out because he got on me about the clutter thing. I've also given away more antiques than I can count. Makes me sick. And now I am feeling that way again. Why bother? Why try? Really, who am I fooling? Opps, I almost forgot,...I will be living forever and so I have all the time in the world to have a home like I used to. Ya think? He even made a comment to my little girl friend that I invited in-to order something from her fundraiser-that all the stuff-clutter- is mine and that he's fixing the house up nice for the next guy. (Something his mom would say.)

So, all in all, you can see where much of my depression comes from. Keep in mind that I am extremely grateful to have a roof over my head and food and clothing even though it looks like a tornado hit and totally destroyed the interior, I do have alot to be grateful for. I think that's what I like about hangin' on my porch. I can somewhat decorate as I chose and feel calm, and proud of how it looks. I get many compliments on the pictures-one at a time-on the "wall" and the floral displays and the filmy curtains I hang from the roof of the porch on the sunny side.
There is the yearly destruction of the flower beds that occur from trampling them down because The Hunter has no respect for what I do. Every year I say I am going to give up and every year I try again. Am I stupid? Am I optimistic?

Just got my hair "striped" and cut. My husband commented in a negative manner about how gray it looks in the back. I-in my smart ass, I'm hurt way-said, "Well, I told her to give me the color and cut that you'd most hate." And he replies,.."She succeeded."

So, I keep trying or give up entirely?


Sairs said...

It sounds like you are feeling really hurt. I just wanted to say that although I have words of wisdom, I can say I am thinking of you and hope you are okay. Be gentle with yourself.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Seriously it's like reading somebody else writing about my life!

I too have to deal with home remodeling issues. Same thing girl! Same thing! Right down to replacing the windows!! So I am extremely qualified to give you advice on this!

First of all if its your house demand that the projects stop. Men, all men are guilty of biting off more than they can chew with home restoration projects.

My hubby went all gun-ho on the house for the first year. He stopped working on it a year ago. I have exposed pipes, holes in the floor, half ripped up tile and a husband that has lost all interest in finishing any these projects.

I didn't even entertain the idea of decorating for the first year.

If you want to make the relationship you're in better give him lots of praise for the things he does around the house even though he puts you down all the time.

Try finding one small area that you can make nice for you to enjoy time in.

If all that fails, pick up a hammer and really fuck something up and then tell him you were just trying to help!

Coffeypot said...

I say buy the fucking pillows. After all he spends on hunting and stuff to mess up the house, a couple of pillows are nothing. Buy them, put the shams on them, put them on the bed and if he says anything about them, place them over his face when he goes to sleep and sit on them 'till morning. But that’s just me. You get what you allow.

Cindy Caudle said...

Hugs. Only you can say when it time to call it quits. You will know when you have had enough and the time is right. I agree with Sairs, be gentle with yourself and know that there are people who think you are wonderful. Cindy

Jimmy said...

I hate you are going through all of this, like some of the others mentioned you are the one who will know when and if it is time to hang it up, until that time just take care of you because you are worth taking care of.

Jenner said...

I know what it's like to feel unappreciated. I'm sorry that you are going thgouth all of this. I say, make yourself happy and buy the pillows! If you can't do anything right, you might as well have fun doing what is wrong, right?

On My Soapbox said...

First of all, you are NOT "no one". You are you! Don't try to be what someone else wants you to be - that never works. As far as you & hubby goes, it's difficult for us mere observers to say. Maybe revisit why you want/wanted to spend the rest of your life with him? Has that changed? Lastly, although you can stay home, do you want to? Would a part time gig help? Just throwing out some ideas. :-)

Karen Kyle Ericson said...

I really hate this situation you are in. It reminds me so much of my Step-Father years ago. Is there a therapist or someone you can go talk too to help you make the next steps in this? My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. You seem so alone. If I were close by I'd take you to lunch and shopping :) I don't have a lot of money so we'd look for bargains! And eat at an inexpensive place but we'd have some fun.

Toyin O. said...

Praying for you:) You should never compare yourself to anyone else, you are not them and they are not you; doing that only gives you a headache. You are unique and special, you just need to see yourself the way God sees you:)

lvroftiques said...

First of all I've "known' you for ten seconds and already I think you need to get rid of this tool-o-hunter-merde! But it you can't bring yourself the damn pillow shams and tell him it's too damn bad if he doesn't like them! You don't LIKE having your house torn apart either! I have to agree with coffee...You're much to smart and specail to keep on dealing with this crap. JMHO


That's so messed up! It sucks when you feel unappreciated. I'm not sure it this helps, but know that we all appreciate you. I know for a fact I can speak for everyone on this one when I say we care and hope that this awful yucky feeling goes away soon, very soon!

The Reckmonster said...

I just popped over from Thundercat's blog. I feel so compelled to weigh in on this lofty post...I went back and read a few previous posts to get a better idea of what might be going on. GIRL! You get your damned pillows and whatever hell else you want! And NEVER say that he "let" you do anything (like quit working) - you CHOOSE what you want to do. Like if you CHOOSE to tell him to get the home project shit wrapped up, then do it! Also - no one can make you feel any way without your permission, so just CHOOSE not to let him rule stuff and stick up for yourself. Your thoughts and feelings matter as much as any one else's. Believe that!

Unknown said...

I come to you from the future....

I was in a relationship exactly like this. Except, I'm a man, and I still worked. Nothing I did was good enough. It took me 7 long years to work up the nerve to admit to myself that this wasn't working.

You are an individual first. If anyone is killing your individuality, your originality, and your passions, they are toxic to you. Friends, spouses, etc. You need to get rid of the toxicity of your life.

Two years ago, I found the perfect woman for me. She is an equal. A partner. She is my intellectual sparring-partner, and we have a wonderful give and take relationship. We are completely honest with each other, and the bonds that hold us together are stronger than my ex and I ever had.

Find your passions. Be happy. If that means without him, so be it. On the bright side, since you're not working, you will be entitled to alimony. Probably a LOT of it... Good luck.

Red Shoes said...

I like 'Lost In Idaho's' response ALOT!!!

You need your own identity.. and to not be defined by him. I would have the pillows... the pillow cases, the shams... the whole nine yards!!

I think "Idaho" and I may have been involved with the same woman.. LOL... it sounds JUST like her!!!

You owe it to yourself to be you!