Had trouble sleeping again last night. Weird thoughts and worries kept going in a steady loop through my head. Woke up feeling great this morning. I know, pick yourselves up off the floor. Decided to wash all the linens on the bed including the mattress pad. I doubt it will fall apart in the washer and dryer. But it's time for a new one. I also have a new bedspread-purchased a long time ago-that I want to wash and put on the bed. I asked The Hunter and he agreed to the mattress pad but said, no pillows. Mind you, I only wanted 2 cheap ones to put the shams on. We've had shams on the bed before, but he apparently had no clue what I was talking about even though I tried every which way to explain it to him. Once he 'got' it, there was a definite no. "We aren't decorating-we don't need them." So as I am trying to put out a few Easter/Spring decorations out, he is dismissing even that one effort on my part to make this place feel like a home. Realize this, he is still putting in windows. I know that, I help and offer to help. But we still don't have walls to replace the places where he torn down paneling-actually exposing the door frame where there used to be a door to the porch. Peeled some wallpaper, torn down a chimney for no reason and now there's that hole that goes from upstairs to the room below. This hole is about 20" x 20". Pieces of plaster occasionally fall from above. I have plaster and wood shavings in most of my rooms. We desperately need walls and carpeting or tile or since I'm dreaming-I might as well dream big-have our old oak floors refinished. I can't continue to live like this. It isn't a house and it sure as hell isn't a home. I find the valances I put up flipped up in the middle so The Hunter can see what's going on in the neighborhood he's like the old lady on the block who makes it her business to know what everyone is doing. And the valance on the back wall-is also flipped up so that he can shoot squirrels out the window.
Yes, I got a beautiful ring. Yes, he let me quit work. Yes, he's pretty much quit telling me what to do and doesn't even give me the daily litany of what a bad housewife I am and how he didn't get much for his investment etc.
But, it doesn't matter what I do, someone else's recipes and cleaning skills and creativity are always so very awesome. Someone's wife makes so much money. He knows sooo much about friends and new acquaintance's lives and trips and illnesses and their kids and their pets and,....he knows nothing about me. This is not because I am a poor communicator. You've all heard me. I don't play games. I don't nag. I am too easy going. I try to be supportive even of The Hunter's most idiotic ideas, most of which fail. I do not then say, "I told you so." I do not get mad about the bullshit lies he tells others.
I am me. I am here. I am nobody. I can do nothing. Should I keep trying to make a home or should I get pissed and give in and throw my cool decorating stuff away? Once-long ago-he got me mad enough that I took a big outdoor trash can up into our bedroom and started just throwing things away. I regret it now because there were some beautiful watches-among other cool/expensive things that I just threw out because he got on me about the clutter thing. I've also given away more antiques than I can count. Makes me sick. And now I am feeling that way again. Why bother? Why try? Really, who am I fooling? Opps, I almost forgot,...I will be living forever and so I have all the time in the world to have a home like I used to. Ya think? He even made a comment to my little girl friend that I invited in-to order something from her fundraiser-that all the stuff-clutter- is mine and that he's fixing the house up nice for the next guy. (Something his mom would say.)
So, all in all, you can see where much of my depression comes from. Keep in mind that I am extremely grateful to have a roof over my head and food and clothing even though it looks like a tornado hit and totally destroyed the interior, I do have alot to be grateful for. I think that's what I like about hangin' on my porch. I can somewhat decorate as I chose and feel calm, and proud of how it looks. I get many compliments on the pictures-one at a time-on the "wall" and the floral displays and the filmy curtains I hang from the roof of the porch on the sunny side.
There is the yearly destruction of the flower beds that occur from trampling them down because The Hunter has no respect for what I do. Every year I say I am going to give up and every year I try again. Am I stupid? Am I optimistic?
Just got my hair "striped" and cut. My husband commented in a negative manner about how gray it looks in the back. I-in my smart ass, I'm hurt way-said, "Well, I told her to give me the color and cut that you'd most hate." And he replies,.."She succeeded."
So,...do I keep trying or give up entirely?