Dog bites woman.

So....I have been doing quite well so far this year.   Really good yesterday until late in the day when Maggie bit me.  On the arm.  Through a very thick furry coat.  Did I mention haw very thick it was?  Hurt bad enough that it made me cry.  I had an immediate lump and bruise.  Also a scrape.  I yelled out, "BITCH"  and took her inside.  I had been playing with her.  I am so kind to her.
See!  She came in here and just chewed on my hand.  I put her right in her cage telling her NO BITING!!!!!  When I woke up this morning I was still pissed that I didn't even greet her.  She tried her best to get me to acknowledge her.  Then I could see she was confused and sad.  She gets it but hasn't connected it with biting yet.  She'll figure it out because I am sticking to this plan. 

Then today we have rain. 

And add to that the fact that the government did or didn't pass some law.  The results being that a good portion of the traveling wind farm workers are being let go.  That includes my son-in-law.  He finally got this good job right before they were evicted.  That was in August.  My daughter says they will know in about 2 weeks but it is a 99.9% sure to happen.  My daughter is so sick of this.  They do everything right, work hard and the government just keeps pushing them down further and further.  Makes me sick and I am so worried about her mental health and that of her kids.  The middle child (Nate) will be OK.  He rolls with the punches but if this happens year after year after year?  I fear it will get him too.  Please say a prayer.  A big prayer.

Don't want to be alive.

I just don't want to be alive. It's too hard. It's to stupid. What do I do that is of any consequence? Nothing. I would never take my own life. It's just that there is nothing here for me. I do nothing. I am nothing. This is not a poor me post. It is just a fact or possibly a feeling. I can't wait to....nothing. I am looking forward to......nothing. I accomplish nothing. I want to sleep. Even though my dreams are usually not fun, at least something is going on in them.
I will go to my therapist tomorrow and tell her everything is ok. Really, what can she do or tell me that I don't already know? I had planned to go back to bed after 11 hours of sleep. But I will make The Hunter the chicken salad he wants and help him move the big rocks that got moved from where I had/wanted them. We will go to Meadow's ballgame tomorrow and if anyone is there besides myself, I will feel alone and unaccepted. Again, just my perception. I cannot help how I feel. I am too tired to even pretend. I told The Hunter, when asked, that I didn't want to be alive. Opps. Guess I'd never verbalized that before. We will probably go to church tonight. Will God speak to me there? I imagine so but I don't listen. I am a bad listener. Perhaps if He shouted. People are weird, mean, apathetic. I am present until I realize that I am the only one that can see and hear me. I will survive. It's just that I don't think surviving is enough. I have everything I need. No one is hurting me. I had an ok childhood. Depression is a mighty force and I can only think this is the basis of my emotional weirdness. If you haven't experienced depression, it is difficult to understand. I do not ask for pity. I am just stating the facts as I see them today. Peace.