Living in Pleasantville

complaint department

2012-02-15T19:13:00.000-06:00

I know. Always bitching. Sorry. Happy Valentines Day and 17th Anniversary, right? I spent the morning smoking and drinking my coffee in the garage, planning my divorce. Had to have some tests at the new hospital (more intensive mammogram and then they decide to do ultrasound-no babies in my boob!). Had received a call the day before and when the girl at the hospital called and said I'd have to go in to do this I said, "Cool!" Yup. That's the way a crazy woman thinks. I was thinking that this could get me out of going on this trip with Hunter, who I can no longer talk too and I may get into that also. After I had hung up with her, having made the appt., I surprised myself by crying a little bit. I thought about it a bit and decided to see if Hunter would be around to take me in case I found myself in need of support. I figured I'd be fine going by myself but I always like to have a plan B, you know. So I asked him if he'd be available that morning and he said he didn't know and asked why. I told him and he just thought they were redoing the same mammogram at the same facility (where I'd just had the 1st one). Then he was-and has been-a dick so after he said something about it having to do with my liver-what? I realized he wasn't listening and didn't care and again he had me so shaky and upset inside, I told him never mind, that I would go alone.
Many of you know what I am talking about. I just wanted a little support or at least for someone to care. I wasn't worried about the procedure or even really thinking about the possibility of cancer. I'm fine. Looks benign for now and they just want me to go back in 6 months for another ultrasound. Thyroid re-check showed that nodule(s?) had grown so he wants me to come in so he can physically examine it. But before that, he wants me to go for a C.T. of my lungs. No biggie. I think all I have left is my colonoscopy which is nothing except for having to drink all that crap and then having to drink some more. Gag! Couldn't they have it in flavors like.........whiskey? It's worth it to me cuz they do that I.V. push. Have you ever known me to turn down drugs? Yes legal, of course.
So yeah. You can tell I am getting old talking about my health. Stop me when I start talking about Gout and Rheumatism.
If/when I get a laptop, I will take it into the garage with me and you will get my early morning thoughts. They are pretty bad. It's like I am still feeling my dreams which 3-4 times a week are about my 1st husband cheating on me. (which happen it real life) I have a multitude of dreams every night, for real. When they figure out how to record dreams, I guarantee you I will be a cult figure. I also think about suicide on occasion. I think about how I just want to go back to bed. I think about things I want to or should do that day.
I know others have real problems. Please don't think this is a pity party. I am just feeling a little lost in my marriage right now. The good thing is.....at least I get to look forward to going to sleep every night in a nice warm bed.
Hm. Guess I should have warned you in the beginning to skip this post cuz it is just stupid complaining, as always. But.....

Designated Driver

2012-02-11T11:53:00.000-06:00

Enough snow to cover the ground. Plenty of sunshine. High of 16 degrees. -1 windchill.
Have birthday party at hunt club to go to. No thanks. Brrr. Sylvia borrows cigs and now that I am on an allowance, I can't afford to do that and I shouldn't have to anyway. Crawdads. Yuk. No. I lied. Make that double yuk. Told Hunter I wasn't going and he played the anti-social card. It's people that I don't know. He talks to everyone and that's wonderful but that isn't me. He got mad at me even though I told him yesterday that I wasn't sure I was going. So I thought about it and later said to him that I would go if he was looking for me to drive him home-in case he drank too much. He said that was what he was looking for. So, gotta give him points for honesty. Yeah, I am going. Whatever. He's been good with me this past week with my sullen depression so I guess I owe him. Think anyone will be offended if I bring a sack lunch so I will have normal food to eat?
Hunter mentioned going to the grocery store after church tomorrow. I reminded him that we need to eat what we have since we are going to be gone for about 5 weeks. So we aren't going. We will however be having lunch with his son and his girlfriend tomorrow. They are leaving for Italy in a couple days. I think this will be tough for Aaron because it is a long flight and he's never been abroad. They'll be ok because his girlfriend backpacked across Europe for two years and she knows the ropes.
I am not looking forward to our trip-and I use the term "our" loosely. We will be traveling around to visit several of his friends who are staying in different places in Florida. He has also invited another friend, his daughter and mom to stay with us at our rental for a few days. I suppose I am being brought on this trip only to help drive and to entertain.
Yes, I am whining. Yes, I complain about everything. Yes, I need to be assertive. Yes, I am stupid and cause my own problems.
But I complain none-the-less.
I'm sure I will have an ok time.
Maybe my Thyroid scan will show a problem that leads to surgery and then I won't have to go on this trip. How sick is that?
I dream at least 3-4 nights a week about my first husband cheating on me and as horrible as that makes me feel, I end up trying to help him in his relationship with said girlfriend. There are always many other dreams every night. It's no wonder I am always tired.
So,...have a great weekend. I will try to do the same.

One for the money

2012-02-06T15:22:00.001-06:00

We went and saw the movie. I read the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evonovich. Yeah, the books are a fast read and perhaps dorky but I love them. Some phrase actually make me laugh our loud! I was prepared to be disappointed, not because I am a pessimist but because my imagination fits me better than anyone else's. It was a really good movie and now I hope they make more of them. Hunter liked it too. I could have done without all the popcorn we ate. Ug. Funny, you spend $9.00 for two ticket and then about $20.00 on snacks. Remember drive-ins? My mom used to pop up a bunch of popcorn and put it in a big brown grocery bag that we took with us. I miss drive-ins.
Dark and cold today. A good day to sleep. If fact Hunter is asleep at the kitchen table even as we speak. I got alot accomplished today and as soon as my last load of laundry is done, I may just take a nap myself. That's all folks!

Home on the range and sex can be harmful.

2012-02-04T13:46:00.001-06:00

SOAPBOX - You are right. I have to not let him steal or cover or change who I am. And I am fully aware that this is my doing. It is I who allows me to feel this way. Every one's comments on my last post were helpful in that you understand my need to vent. I do not need to leave. I have everything I need/want as far as material things. I do have love. It's just that I never know when or where it will show up. I can overlook the ripped and torn up house. I can overlook the clutter. I am sure it exacerbates my depression but there again, it is me allowing it to bother me. It's a matter of deciding what is important and what isn't.
Oh sorry! You wanted to hear about SEX!
I am responsible for at least 2 injuries if not more. I made my 2nd husband get permission from his cardiologist saying it was ok to have sex. He'd had a few heart attacks and double bypass surgery before I met him. Damned if he didn't come back with a prescription from the doctor saying it was fine. He had several trips to the hospital for minor heart attacks and such. Almost 4 years into our marriage, we were doing the Wild Thing and he had a heart attack. Love answering the paramedic's question about what he was doing when this occurred.
Moving on to current husband. One time I/he either sprained or broke a vein in his magic wand. Had to go to the doctor and all. Think I should come with a warning label? I'd like to see them even try to pull me off the shelves!!!

Hunter installed a new range hood yesterday and he was able to do most of it by himself. I was so proud of him. He's making a duck on the grill - no, not one he shot. I will have chicken, thank-you. I like my men wild and my game tame.

On that note, I will get back to working in the office at home here. Trying to gather up some tax stuff. Have a peaceful weekend!

Getting used to it all over again.

2012-02-01T21:26:00.000-06:00

Hunter is back. The first part is getting readjusted to all the changes and idiosyncrasies. Small things = big pain in the ass. I am not good at this. He wants me to listen to his hunting stories and all the things he has to say about all the people he was with. He doesn't want me to ask questions like one would do during a normal conversation. If he asks me a question, all he wants is a yes or a no. He literally said that to me. He always removes my stuff from the counter to put his stuff on there.

I know you all get tired of me complaining about Hunter all the time. Yes I do confront him at times and in the gentlest way. Yelling isn't my style and doesn't work with him either. Any attempt at adult conversation also isn't possible as he apparently never learned that skill. He isn't mean. He's just a jerk. Especially to me.

Why don't I divorce him? I couldn't afford it for one thing. I do love him for no discernible reason. I have been through one divorce and that sucked the life out of me and I think it may be part of why I am so messed up now. He does have alot of goodness in him. He is generous with others. He remembers what other's say, even after meeting someone once. He will run into a store and come home and tell me all about the cashiers life. He has a way of making people open up to him. He also comes on like a mack truck.
On the other hand.....he rarely remembers things I have said. He'll ask me to do something then he basically undoes it. When I clean or do any work of any kind around the house, he will ALWAYS say, "and did you do...?" I can bet my life on a negative comment to follow.
My Charlie Brown tree? "It's kind of scraggly don't you think?"
The Charles Russell picture I got him..."It's nice, 'course it's only a print."
If he ever sees me doing something,...I am doing it wrong.
He calls and asks if I need him to stop and pick up something. Once in awhile I will say yes and tell him what and he says, "No, we don't need that." Well actually, he says I-meaning me-don't need it.
There is no we, us or our. If you hear him say we, the we is always him and somebody else. Always!
At least I got out of going to Louisiana. I will be going to Missouri - he's hunting. Then from there to Florida for a month. I hear him talking on the phone about all the places we will visit while we are down there. All places where his friends are. Really? And I heard something about hunting. WTF! Yeah, I do try to discuss these things with him but it makes him mad and he says not to worry about it or that I am on a need to know basis. Yup. For real.
And yet I stay. There are good things and we have some fun but I think it is mostly my subservient behavior that allows that to happen. That isn't the right way to put it. When he isn't feeling pressured about things in his life (That I don't know about cuz remember, I am not really a part of it) we do OK as long as I have let go of the small but abundant crap he does that drives me crazy.
So yeah. Just consider this my place to vent. Sometimes I take pills to deal with it. Sometimes I rise above it because I do have a pretty good sense of my self-worth. And sometimes I need to cry and keep to myself and wallow in my emotional pain. Whatever.
Again, this is my place to vent.
Hope you are all well. My Grandson will be having surgery soon. He has alot of issues and sees a therapist. Please pray that he is able to deal with this. Pray they find the money to pay for it. The surgery itself is laproscopic and should be and easy one but....
My son asks why God keeps testing them. I have to wonder that same thing. Peace.

I'd rather stay home.

2012-01-26T14:46:00.000-06:00

I am sick and tired of all this shit. The trip stuff. The house rental. The whole idea. It will be too cold to swim. I don't want to stay in someone house. I'd rather stay in a hotel/motel for a week and then go to another location and do the same each week. If we got far enough south in Fl. it would probably be warm enough to swim. I know we are going here and there to visit Hunter's friends and I would rather rent a place at each town. But NOooooo. All his friends rent homes or condos or whatever. He says this is a "fact finding" mission. Really? What. Like Mission Impossible: Bringing the wife along. I haven't even 'seen' it yet but I can tell you it won't be pretty. 'Course I will pretend I am ok. I dropped out of acting class so I didn't get to the part where they covered faking fun. But ya know.....Liquor would probably help. Or I could get lost. Or fall and break a leg. I know I sound like a party pooper but here's the thing. We do what Hunter wants. He talks like he'll let me do some fun things but he won't enjoy it and, well you know it won't happen. He also monopolizes all conversations and people listen even when he interrupts as I am speaking. He is loud. He is a good people person as far as asking them questions and showing genuine interest but...my therapist says the reason people don't call him on anything is because who does? She means that others are just being polite. I don't know but I have talked to him about this. whoops! I only meant to come up here to check an email. Gotta go run errands.
Tomorrow I am going to my daughter's to celebrate granddaughter Meadows birthday. We will go to lunch and to the mall. Will see if I come away feeling bogged down by the bad vibes-and I don't mean that in a New Age way-but rather with joy. Peace.

1 degree of separation.....

2012-01-20T00:20:00.000-06:00

between me and a snowman! A popsicle. My therapist told me to have a pajama day tomorrow as did my 89 year old neighbor even though you know damn well that she'll be out there doing whatever even if for a short amount of time. I want to be her when I grow up. Or, Hey! Betty White!
You know what word you never hear anymore? Hyman. Hymen? Well I have apparently confused the hell out of spell check. You know which one I mean. Is it cuz it has been so long since I had one? Maybe it's "Hi man!" So now I am thinking hyena. Not tired or drunk. Kinda freestyling it tonight I guess. "Roll with me baby." And so, when it snows, I will blow it....ya know, I've been wanting to get this off my chest for awhile now. BJ? Wrong choice of words. It's sucking, not blowing.
I will need to have one of the neighbor guys start the snowblower for me as I have never used this new one. Maybe I can get it going. It takes regular gas and is electric start so if I can find where the gas goes and where the plug goes,.....

You guys are always right!

2012-01-17T12:12:00.000-06:00

I had some anxiety the other day and couldn't figure out why. Once I called my daughter-but actually got my son-in-law,..I talked briefly to him and realized it was this trip money for Cain that was bothering me and once I told them I couldn't help, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I am not responsible. As much as I love him it is his parents responsibility to take care of this if they can even afford it. You don't always get what you want. I am not a cold-hearted person. You all know that. They already owe us $20,000.00 and that isn't chump change not are we rich that it is a drop in the bucket. And then to see how they still haven't learned to budget. So on to the next thing. It is snowing and had thawed a bit prior and temps. will be dropping. I need to go run errands and hopefully will get them done before it's gets too icey and slippery. I have lived here long enough that driving in this doesn't phase me. But you never know what other drivers will do. I am fielding calls for Hunter about Florida rentals and he is in Texas hunting....well, I am not sure, other than hogs. Probably anything that moves. Glad he is enjoying his life while he can. Gotta go but will make time to check on some blogs later. Kisses!

Snow!

2012-01-12T22:34:00.000-06:00

Will continue through the night. We went to Hunter's G.P. then to a movie to have popcorn for dinner. Saw Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Was really, really good! Odd but Hunter didn't much care for it. I am tired and looking forward to cuddling up under the down comforter. My daughter had to take my grand daughter for her french horn lesson but it had been canceled and her phone was messed up and she didn't get the message? Anyway, it took her 2 HOURS to get home. Yikes. But all are safe and sound. She did bring up that grandson Cain has the opportunity to go to Germany in 2013. They need about $4000.00. My first thought was to tap into my 401K. Then I'm thinking.....what do I have that I can sell so he can go. Antiques, jewelry etc. But I hate feeling like I am bad if I can't do this for him. I know these feelings are my own doing but.......sometimes you can't help how you feel. So what should I do? Start buying lottery tickets?

Like when you get better when you finally decide to go to the doctor.

2012-01-11T15:01:00.000-06:00

So I finally contacted Jeremy's dad, the computer wizard and by that, I mean he makes computer geeks look like a one year old child. It's like he speaks a foreign language. He didn't do anything other than talk to me about the keyboard and also a laptop. Do see me now ? My keyboard has recovered all on it's own. As I said, it's like when you are finally sick enough that you make that doctor appt. and you are fine the day of the appt. But I am happy. For now.
The last part of my last post was me showing how things showed up if I just typed normally with out hitting a key many times and going slow to check ever letter on the screen. Just this, writing this I feel happy!!! As for the laptop, I know what to get. See, I almost picked up a keyboard yesterday but Hunter said I had to check with Jim. Geez, isn't it too bad I am so stupid? If you know me you'd be laughing your ass off. At least now I can get the stuff I need because Jim said so. Duh.
Today Hunter has physical therapy for his pinched nerve in his neck. We also have to pick up his truck which we took in late last night to get an oil, lube and one other thing that I can't remember.
Speaking of memory......I heard on the news that people who smoke pot 20 times a month or less have better short-term memory than people who don't smoke anything at all. And they also have better lung function that non-smokers. Now a heavy pot smoker has equal memory and lung function than a non-smoker. When I say non-smoker, I mean someone who smokes neither pot nor cigs. So.....for the betterment of my health, I just need to switch brands. No more Pall Malls. I'll be smoking dope. Yay!!!!!
Tonight we go to Outback Steak House with that other couple I showed my bra to although it was Hunter I was showing it to cuz I was pissed. They just happened to be there. I will have only one drink and let Hunter be the only idiot at the table. Steak yum. Outback. Not so much.
Last day of warmer temps and a "snow storm" watch. My dad used to get mad that the media hyped this all up. I on the other hand see it as empty promises. First of all....3 to 6" does not a snowstorm make. Second-It usually doesn't happen. We shall see. Is it wrong if I ask you all to pray for snow?

I was just sitting outside and it was absolutely gorgeous. Sunshine and 55 degrees.
Truck will stay in the shop overnight again cuz it needs new brakes on the one side on the rear so we are having both sides done. Hunter asked, I said asked if he could use my vehicle to go to therapy and also to dinner tonight. He asked before he told the guy to go ahead and do the work. I said, "Not unless you fill up the gas tank". He said he would. (see, it's all that allowance thing).

My other new thing is that I am praying for peace and working on a REAL relationship with God. I have always believed.....no, I have always known but now I am going to do more than just give lip service to it. It is a personal thing and I am already feeling better but I will need to keep at it. Peace.

A lesson for my own good

2012-01-09T19:07:00.000-06:00

It came to me today that God is helping me learn to trust Him and become completely dependent on Him. This worrying about my financial future is unnecessary and in fact detrimental to my happiness.

I will not be posting much because my keyboard is in a deep coma and I would have to be half in the bag to be able to tolerate pressing the 'm' key 12 times before it actually prints. The new keyboard I got is the wrong one. I will be reading and if you receive any comments that sound like gibberish, it's me. I will get a new keyboard and probably a laptop so.....

And yeah, sounds like this 'allowance' thing is for real. Hunter asked if I had contacted my investment company so I can pay for my cigs and stuff. Um...No. I am not taking money out of an IRA. That's yreen. sad tevnthoughh hs es ngieanis rn t sp aisefoe de..l lbe v. <<<< and THAT is why I won't be posting!!!!!!!

Can you help me with my math?

2012-01-06T19:40:00.001-06:00

Northern Illinois + January 6th = SNOW! Well, I must not be figuring this right cuz today it was 55 degrees and I was raking leaves. And sweating. Sunshine cheered me up but...seriously? No snow yet? We need a bigger garage because I guess we need access to the snow shovels, ice melt and snow blower-in my dreams, right?-and also the rakes and lawn mower.
Not much else. Took down Christmas decorations outside and the porch looks naked. Oh wait, maybe that was me. Haven't heard from my daughter in awhile. I am leaving it up to her to call me. I know she has a busy life but she only seems to call if she needs something. We were supposed to celebrate Christmas with them on New Year's Day. She was sick and hasn't said anything about us coming over. No problem really. I just kind of wish she would call every once in awhile to see how I'm doing.

I want to thank all of you for your comments. I do appreciate them.

Just went back and read comments on my last post. I am pleased to know that I am normal. You guys have described life as I always thought it was and should be. I think I let Hunter get to me. Allowed him to make me feel boring or inadequate. Nope. I have simple dreams. I am low maintenance and easy to please. Laughter. Touching. Thoughtfulness. Being together. Being apart.
I

Snow cone bras.

2012-01-05T21:16:00.000-06:00

I wasn't old enough to wear those pointy white bras but I think they should start making them again. Take off your bra. Look at your nipples all smooshed. Don't you just feel sorry for them? How about you guys that are old enough have unhooked a few in your day? (and could you do so with just one hand?) Anyone not sure what I am talking about...just look at Laura Petry.-The Dick Van Dyke Show.

If you are retired and it's just the two of you,.......-excluding hunting and fishing- where do you go or what do you do for adventure. Or do you just relax. Watch TV. Cook. This isn't coming out right.
OK. Hunter is planning this trip and it is not for the two of us to do stuff together, but to stop here and there to see his friends so he can hunt and fish. He wants to know why I don't want to have these "adventures". Why I am not excited about them.

Let me try again. I am curious. If you are retired, married and there are no kids living at home,....what do you do together. What are your lives like?

Angry Yesterday.

2012-01-04T20:42:00.000-06:00

Still angry. Why not? It's something to do, right?
I get an allowance now. $200 a month. Yeah, sounds sophomoric yet generous. With that money, I am to buy cigarettes and gas and snacks or Mc.D's, peanuts, M&M's and anything else I should want, like going to the thrift stores. He did say that I could buy stuff for the house and clothes-and this isn't really what it sounds like. Yes, you are all correct. I should just quit smoking. But here's the thing....I have smoked ever sense he met me, as did he.
57 years old and I get a fuckin' allowance.
I know. Divorce him. Bah. Nothing is ever real or honest or pure.
I feel like this is not my home planet.
My favorite thing-besides going to the flea market with my late husband-is to be the hospital after having surgery and being on dalauded. People taking care of me and caring. Yeah, it's their job but at this point I would settle for fake concern.
I am not making light of the following but I am curious. How does it feel emotionally to cut?
Does anyone think it would be better to drink than to be on all this medication?
I am just looking for a way to feel better.

So far 2012 has been a royal pain in the ass.

2012-01-01T20:22:00.000-06:00

And the waitress and Hunter. Is it to soon to ask for a do over? Not even any snow! Church was good then it kind of went downhill from there. Oh well. At least we had crab legs for dinner, among other things. Hunter also made himself some oysters. No thanks! But if you like them, his are very good.
We will either get a puppy or two or go on a couple month long vacations. I would rather we get the dogs as I am a homebody. Our trips tend to be based around his friends and really, who could resist puppies??? Now if we-as in Hunter and I-were to take a trip to a cabin on a lake like we used to, I'd be all in! We could probably even take puppies. Fishing. Pizza. Drinking. Napping. Reading. And the usual um,....playtime. But the guy we rented from sold the place and too many homes were being built around the lake. I think we need to look into another place that is similar.
I am in here now but have been told to get the office in order or he is throwing everything out. I should just let him but you know me. I will get it all done if I have to stay up all night. After all.....it's not like I have to get up for work.
Well, I hope all of you have a better year than last year. Peace.

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T20:50:00.000-06:00

Hope you have a great one no matter ~~whoever~~ what ever you decide to do. We had a very elegant dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup. And yes, it was Mmmm Mmmm Good! At least one of us will stay up to be sure the new year gets here. Not sure why because if it's just a repeat of last year.......
Opened our gifts from my son and his family. Awesome pictures of the grand kids in black and white, dressed up like gangsters including the old car and machine guns. I just LOVE them!

Christmas has been postponed yet again.

2011-12-30T21:53:00.000-06:00

Daughter had to work on Christmas. We had planned to get together on New Years Day but I just talked to her and she is very sick with the stomch flu. The rest of the family hasn't had it yet but I'm sure someone else will get it. I just got all the stuff for baking and will be able to put it off a bit longer. Yeah, you know I am a lazy ass.
Another beautiful rainy day here. Brisk and cold. Apparently not cold enough to snow though. I have been making snow angels in the wet grass and it's just not the same. And the snowman made out of melting ice cubes? Not so much.
Sounds like we may get two dogs. I hope! I don't get excited about anything until I see it with my own eyes. I am embarrassed at how long it took me realize that you don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
I won't go into anything that was said at the VFW last night. I think there was something about me calling Hunter a whore and me looking for a whole football team. Not my fault. I was forced to drink 2 shots of whiskey.
That is all.

Hurry while it lasts!

2011-12-29T17:03:00.000-06:00

Finally. I feel good today. Sunshine but it is quickly getting dark so I thought I'd get out a post before I get all pissy, whiny and moody. Even went to the dentist and it's all good.! Hunter went hunting this morning but I know it was more to spend the time with one guy's 4 month old Lab. I think we my be getting a dog sooner rather than later. Would probably make our spring traveling a bit more difficult but the rewards are worth it. Hunter's health is getting worse. I know a dog would be a comfort to him. And me? I have been an animal lover since the day I was born. Doubters? OK. How many of you have held a Tarantula? Ridden a camel? Tried to pull a snake out of a hole to get a better look at it? Mmm-Hmmm. I thought so.

VFW for rib eye tonight. No drinking for me. I had enough Christmas Eve to last a couple of months. Hunter is taking a nap cuz he's worn out from walking the fields this morning. Guess I will wake him in about 15 minutes. I hate waking anyone, especially him because he doesn't sleep much to begin with.

Just let me sleep

2011-12-28T17:30:00.000-06:00

No sun. No snow. No energy. Don't want to go.
Just want to sleep. No, don't make a peep
Wrapped up in my dreams even weird ones at times.,
are better than wakefulness.
I'm tired for no reason. It's stupid, I know.
Worse yet to think it'd be cured by some snow.
I know one day soon I will wake full of joy
but those days don't come often or stay very long.
I'm sure it's my fault that I feel this way.
Do you see me ever taking steps to feel better.
Overwhelmed is the best word but on a much smaller scale.
Not angry. Not sad. Not even depressed.
Just stay in my jammies and never get dressed.
No sun. No snow. No energy. Don't want to go.

Blunk Drogging.

2011-12-24T23:21:00.000-06:00

Hey Teri! On my home page it showed on TNT there was a movie called "A Diva's Christmas." I actually thought it was you or about you or from you. I mean, that was a brief but instantaneous thought. But so, we were smart to go to church before the party cuz if we went after I would have been clapping and jumping around on the pews and singing with the choir and the hell, I probably would have interrupted the sermon. And we don't even go to that kind of church! It all started with a shot of Whiskey followed by champagne and more and I had one of those bottomless glasses and it was so fun and I am staying up 'till the fun leaves my system cuz we have church in the morning and will be picking up our poinsettias after and boy, 'dem boyz shur got on edukayshun tonite! It's their own fault for sitting at the girls table. Actually, the one boy cousin wants to knock boots with the other girl cousin or maybe her sister too and I am all for family and stuff but.....eeewwww! Did I tell you about the time my son was hitting on his cousin? I set him straight. Or maybe,..is that something virgin boys do? So tomorrow we are having half a turkey breast. Um,....so is that half of one boob or one breast? It'll be just Hunter and me. I bought him a frying pan for Christmas. I know - shut it!!! If he's good, he gets it as a gift and if he's a jerk, he gets it slammed down on is head. Huh? Oh yeah, no, I just go side tracked. I see the word location on the bottom right of this piece of paper and clicked on it cuz I wasn't sure where I was but I'm back now and all I can remember is the word Venezuela. But I doubt I am that. Isn't that where they wear that hat made of fruit and sing that son about I'm a Chiquita banananana and I' here to stay. Where's Waldo? Personally, I think he's with Matt Lauer. In Texas with those Lady Hog Hunters. You know....the girls with the huge girls. Hey! See what I did there with the word girls. Look what else I can do - //////////// How cool is that? Hunter and I have so much in common. All he cares about is hunting and........I let him. Or wait. I don't think that's right. K. I'm goin to read all about it on all ya alls blogs and it better be good.

HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS AND REMEMBER THE REASON FOR THE SEASON! BLESSINGS TO ONE AND ALL.

Looks like we'll be having a naked Christmas.

2011-12-21T21:15:00.000-06:00

That means no snow. Santa's sleigh will probably tear off some singles when he lands on the roof. Doesn't feel like Christmas again this year. I am planning now to really go for it next year. No...really! It's been wet and overcast but I have been flying above the clouds of depression. Yay me!
Not much else here. Hit a couple thrift shops. Got a Waterford heart at Goodwill (among other things). Got two Snowbabies at the other plus misc. stuff.
Tomorrow I am making a carrot cake for Hunter. Also have other stuff to do around here. May just get out some piano Christmas music and play a bit. I could just spend the whole day on my hands and knees praying for snow.

You should have seen the snow on my balls!

2011-12-18T21:24:00.000-06:00

Obviously I am feeling better. Friday they mentioned the possibility of a little bit of snow over night. I joked to someone that I should set my alarm so I could get up in the middle of the night and watch it. I LOVE SNOW! But I was so tired that night that I went to bed at 6:30 p.m. Weird, huh? Naturally I woke up at 3am. And.......it had just begun to snow!!!! WooHoo! I grabbed my coffee and is and sat out on the porch and listened to the silence of it falling. All the bad goes away and all that's left is peace and a quiet joyful contentment.
Oh-about my balls....I have about 8 bowling balls out back on top of a cinder block border around my flowerbed. Anyway, the snow just covered the tops of them like a cap and I thought it looked cool! Yes I finally got a digital camera but haven't even taken it out of the box yet! I'm not a procrastinator, I'm just lazy.
Saw some beautiful hoar frost on the trees and bushes on the way to church this morning. BTW - I have managed not to lift my shirt in public since that last incident. Yay me!

I am angry and need to show it!

2011-12-15T22:51:00.000-06:00

If it is anger-as my therapist says-then why does it feel like sadness and loneliness? Add a few too many drinks to that and you have a girl who is so pissed off -at Hunter cupping his hands, pretending to heft some mighty big boobs in describing the gals on Lady Hoggers-he did this three times- that I lifted my top to show him my breasts beautifully ensconced in a black bra with tiny white polka dots sayin..isn't this enough for you?
So.......what's the problem you ask? Well I did this in a restaurant. A nice one. Full of people. We were there with another couple. Hmmmmm. At least I got that off my chest. Haaahaaaahaaaa.
The fucker has me pickup a perscription for Viagra. I thought he was joking. Must have been my response to HIS comment at the restaurant about his "soft serve." I hate that he does this with his little bent finger. I believe I then mentioned to the couple we were with that I was in need of a good poundin' and if they knew of anyone.....
You know what? I am just gonna wait 'till I feel strong and joyful enough and will have my on Christmas.

Deck the halls with boo-giz of holly...

2011-12-14T00:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't had much time to post as we are busy getting ready for Christmas by......cleaning the gutters? Well, I guess it's as good a way as any to finish up another fucked up year.
Will have to get the snow shovels out to hold over our heads to keep the rain off.
Still need to wrap a beautiful red ribbon around my neck and pull it tight.
Gotta bake some....oh that's right. Hunter is using the oven daily to make venison ~~what a jerk~~ jerky.
Hunter's been helping me clean by getting rid of a box I'd asked hunter to save for me. Now I am on Santa's naughty list for hauling it out of the trash cart. But talk about hiding gifts.....I saw about 6 beautiful birch logs in the garage and asked Hunter about them. (silly me, thinking we could make bird/suet feeders out of them.) Oh. He got those for a friend of the taxidermist. She lives in a very wealthy community. What?????? Perhaps it is a Secret Santa thing.
Oh shoot! I forgot that I still have to wrap my car around tree! I'd do that tomorrow but Hunter made plans to go to eat with his cousin and her hubby and told them I was the designated drive since I really don't drink very often. Then he told me about these plans.
I'd sing carols but the only one I can think of is, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
I try to listen to the Christian radio station (K-Love) but for some reason it must hurt Hunter's ears cuz he makes a weird noise and turns it almost all the way down.
At least I know what I will be wearing Christmas day even though we won't be seeing anyone. Red eyeshadow. Green lipstick. And a candy cane sticking out of my ass.
Hoppity Hop-Hop. Hoppity Hop-Hop, look at Frosty go......

A Charlie Brown Christmas.

2011-12-11T16:12:00.000-06:00

You guys remember the Christmas special, right? Once I saw his sad little tree I knew I had to have one. It spoke to me. Last year my grandson picked this tree as my gift from him. Every year I get what we now refer to as my cry gift. There is always a sweet, unexpected one that makes me cry. I put it up this year on top of the fridge. I even had a strip of fabric that looks like Linus' blanket. I wrapped that around the base of the tree. For any of you that have seen this,......you will appreciate Hunter's comment. I asked how it looked - with joyful expectation - and he said, "It's a little sparse isn't it?" Ah well. It is enough that it touches my heart.
I didn't send John any cookies last year so I will have to send a double batch this year. I will bubble wrap the hell out of them but also include a spoon to eat them with,...just in case. I would imagine that putting an arrow-This Side Up- or writing Fragile on it will be to no avail.
Not much else. There's no pressure this year as we aren't really having Christmas. We will go to church of course, but my daughter has to work and then they are going to her sister in laws. Maybe we can get some Red Velvet with White Fur trim to wear and chase each other around the house. You know what I miss? Making love under the Christmas tree.
Still no snow. It will be unbearable if we don't have snow on or before Christmas. I sometimes think of Christmas in places like Florida where the Santas are in red shorts, sitting in a lawn chair sippin' a cold beer. It must be weird. Hey, as long as Santa knows where you live, it's all good right?
Hunter is grilling pot roast that I will then put in the oven to simmer along with some garlic cloves and onion. Then I'll add celery, carrots and potatoes. Yum!
For now, I am just trying to stay warm and have been reading alot of books. Tonight is part one of a Stephen King movie called "Bags of Bones." I read the book quickly so I would get a better sense of things. Nothin' but fun here.

I know many of you are riding this same ride.....but I just can't see you!

2011-12-08T00:14:00.000-06:00

I often sit in the garage simmering in my sadness. Sometimes I write stuff that I have to get off my chest and I plan to blog about it later. But. #1 - When I write a post, I just start off and see what comes out of my head, like I am just venting or talking to you. I don't draft or write anything in advance. And #2 - Everything changes. I don't think it's me but I don't discount the notion. It is other peoples actions, words or lack thereof that gets me down. And so it is- in essence- my fault for caring. I am too sensitive. I often feel like I am in my own little joy bubble. I don't think others notice me and it is becoming harder and harder for me to see them. I think it odd that when they stick a pin in my bubble, it doesn't POP. rather..each time they do I get another tiny slow leak. Then after a time, I am totally deflated. It's never just one thing though most of you know what a big part Hunter plays in my emotions. Again I say...it is I who allows all this crap to bother me. I actually used to pray that God would harden my heart so I wouldn't get so hurt all the time. But then I thought it wouldn't be worth it because then I would also be hardened against all the beauty and joy, laughter and love that is all around us. It saddens me that so many people don't notice or care about anything but themselves.
I need to know how to love as I do while not giving a shit what others think. Is that even possible?

I either need a light box or a light-hearted husband.

2011-12-04T15:24:00.000-06:00

It just seems to be dreary all the time. And when the weather outside matches the damp and weary darkness inside me......you know it can't be good. It would help if we had some sunshine. What is the weather's problem? Is it that damn Global Warming everyone talks about? Maybe I will just put up a gazillion Christmas lights inside and outside the house. Griswold here we come.

My hands are so cold and I can almost see my breath. That last bit was an exaggeration but still....
Do you agree with the "fake it 'till you make it" theory? I'm not one for faking anything but if I thought there was any chance in hell, I think I'd try it.

Oh! You are probably wondering what happened to my joy and goal and resolve and all that. I think Hunter stole it and put it in his pocket. I tried twice to insist the kitchen was mine too. Didn't work. He gave me the "get out of my way" mouth. I'd like to start laundry but I heard him tell a friend on the phone that he was going to cut up venison. I think that involves using the washer and dryer as tabletops. But he is in the kitchen now so I won't try to go in there to unload the dishwasher. Um,...I have stuff I want to rearrange in the living room but I know he'll see me and tell me no or how I should be doing something. I know! I will clean the bedroom. Opps. His hunting clothes are all over the bed.

I could work in the office but that could open a whole other can of worms. I had done the bills for most of my life until Hunter decided to take over the job. I won't even get into it but for one thing-he can't balance the checkbook. Then when it is a super mess he's like-"here, balance this." But as always, I have done it wrong (meaning, he doesn't understand it). I would just like to say one more thing on this matter. I balanced my checkbook every month to the penny. Kind of one of my fetishes. Hi Coffey!

I just want to go to sleep and wake up when the sun comes out and Hunter is gone and the holidays are over. Am I being too greedy here? I know! I'll go sit on Santa's lap and ask if I could have sunshine and peace and quiet for Christmas. Peace and quiet means - Hunter is on another trip.

BTW - Gummy worm vitamins for adults? Really? I think they're playing fast and loose with the word 'adult' here. Guess that's it. I will read some posts then try to lay claim to some portion of my house. Peace.

Just a quick one here.

2011-11-29T22:32:00.001-06:00

Do you have a 3 year old child? Please ask them where leaves come from. Hunter asked me that the other day. I know, right? Also-and equally dumb I suppose-I have a URL as in WWW. blah blah blah.blospot.com. So,....how do I "follow" this person. OK. Ask your 3 year old then. I just don't know much about that stuff. However, if you need help in other areas, I have lots of knowledge. Peace.

He's baaaaack!

2011-11-26T22:23:00.001-06:00

I had one month of quiet solitude. Hunter is back and I think it took about an hour or 90 min. for him to get stupid. But hey - that's an improvement right? Then as he was unloading our wreaths and garland, he again had a little hissy fit. Oh well.
For the first time in my life, I have a goal. I never really understood the concept, at least how it applied to me. So here it is and I do feel good about it. (Could be from watching too many episodes of Hoarders and Hoarding : Buried Alive.) I will no longer live for the "what if " and "whens". I am going to go with where we are now so I can actually live my life instead of waiting for the home I want, repairs etc. I have no problem getting rid of things. I will use what I have instead of waiting for things that I know he will never purchase or allow me to purchase even though he says we will get such and such. What I won't do is get rid of my washstand, Victrola, china cabinet, secretary, or my solid oak cannonball bed. Nor will I get rid of my two oak dressers. They are my antiques and there's no way in hell that I will part with them. I will no longer wait for him to complete any of his "projects" - and if you only knew........
I will put my books back on the standard and bracket "bookshelves" - yeah, the ones he had me empty when he said he was going to work in there. That's right......instead of waiting for the built-in bookcase I will make do with what is.
I am pretty sure that once I have everything in place-having donated much of it he- will have no choice but to look at all the mess he has created. I will invite friends and family over and...let him be embarrassed. He will have no one to blame for the condition of our house but himself! 'Course those of you who have followed me know he will still find a way to "blame" me.
But I'll be all like....."La La La, I can't hear you."
Yup. I think I am finally growing up!

I gave santa his "gift" early.

2011-11-23T23:09:00.000-06:00

I have had very vivid, colorful, long and intricate dreams for as long as I can remember. Never just one dream per night either. Two nights ago among a few other dreams-which generally include at least one about Hunter cheating on me though it is really about my first husband cheating on me-I dreamt that I was so pissed at Hunter that I seduced Santa. And it was good. Oh Yeah! That was one jolly old fella.

Taco Bell diet. Easy. Just eat there and be sure you are near your bathroom when you do! I haven't gone there in almost 20 years. But since all I have been doing since Hunter has been gone is watch TV.....I was duped into going there tonight by their Triple Steak Stacker.
On my way there, I was behind a pick-up truck with a large DVD screen. I could easily see the movie they were watching. My immediate thought was...what if they were watching porn? Would they be arrested if a cop say or someone in another vehicle made a complaint?

And so.....Be ever Thankful, no matter your circumstances because we ALL have something to be grateful for. I thank God for the gift of everlasting life in His kingdom. Peace and gobble-gobble.

I thought he said he couldn't get laid.

2011-11-15T22:51:00.000-06:00

My bad. Hunter and Bob were in town so he was able to call me before they went back to their cabin.   Bob wanted to talk to me to and I could only hear mumbling. Hunter asked me if I'd heard Bob and I said no. So Bob spoke up and I thought he said he couldn't get laid so I offered....yeah, I'm nice like that. But I told him to get in line, that I had list. Funny but I wonder why Hunter called me again later.
How am I supposed to get anything done? It's not my fault. There's all these stupid marathons. Today's is Storage Wars. It's stupid and I can't look away. Damn! I did get the trash out to the curb for pick-up and we had wonderful weather so I was able to wash and hang a couple loads laundry. I love hanging laundry. Also did some raking and picked brussel sprouts that are bravely hanging on i the garden.   And cleaned some stuff. A productive day actually.
Why am I gaining weight again? Well it's cuz some asshole invented Peanut Butter M&M's!
Did you know that men think about sex every 2 to 3 minutes. Truth.
I have to go to the thrift shops tomorrow. I know. Shopping is a bitch. I also need to go to a real bookstore to get a copy of Bag Of Bones by Stephen King. It will be a two day event starting Dec. 11th on the A&E channel.  The book's not new but somehow it escaped my notice and I like to read the books before I see the movies. If I am lucky it will be on the marked-way-the-hell-down shelves.
I also need to order my pecans from Texas for my Christmas baking. They are the best! And should make appt. with my G.P. cuz I have many things to have checked out and a wise woman would have all this done now since we have met all out deductables. See ya later!

Why so tiny?

2011-11-13T10:34:00.000-06:00

The print on that last post was so small that I had to press my nose up against the screen and now it is all smudgy and I certainly can't clean it cuz nothing cleans the stupid screen anyway. If this posts in tiny Barbie sized letters, I will be going to the King Kong size. Hmmmm. Barbie and King Kong size. Bad thoughts on a Sunday. My only excuse is that I only got 3 hours of sleep last night.
I will drink some more coffee and go back to bed. Well yeah...I know I got up at 5:30am and it's 10:30am now and what have I been doing for 5 hours.? I can explain! I can't explain now cuz I need to go downstairs because ~~Igotta pee~~ uuuuuhhh-~~there's a Stephen King marathon~~ the mailman is knocking ~~me up~~ at the door and um, yeah ----- BYE!

Sewing peppers.

2011-11-12T22:24:00.001-06:00

That's one of the quadrillion things on my to do list. We have two huge Vietnamese pepper plants in the living room which I would like to be a dining room but Hunter disagrees and while I have picked the red peppers, I have yet to string them on thread. I did get the leaves mowed. Used bagger and it is soooooo much easier than raking them. I don't know where the week went. Criminal Minds marthons I found a bunch of Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel, watched them and cried. I am not one for rushing to Christmas but my favorite movies are Christmas ones-second only to Stephen King. My favorite music is Christan Christmas songs second only to...well no, they are my favorite. So much so that I almost got in an accident running a stop sign because I was singing a Christmas song in July (truth.) So, I have lots I want to accomplish before Hunter gets home so pray for me Pray that I have the desire and energy and well...just pray I turn the damn TV off. That would take care of all he rest.

The WOW factor.

2011-11-07T22:07:00.001-06:00

Re: shopping.
Well. It's apparently OK. My therapist said so. (truth) I asked her about it at my last appt. and she said that because I do not have trouble getting rid of things and am not causing harm to family finances, it is fine. I shop thrift shops now because of the hunt. I do pay cash and we pay off our credit cards every month.
Enough about me...how are you guys doin'? Is this nationwide emergency test going to wipe out my tv and cable and stuff? Snow anyone?? If so, I am jealous. I was busy all week and am very tired now. I had to set my alarm clock everyday and I am not used to doing that since I quit working. Saturday I took my daughter and grand daughter to Whitewater, WI.-the university-for a french horn festival. Long day. Then I somehow set my alarm clock wrong-the time change-and the alarm went off and I flew downstairs only to discover it was 4am! I couldn't stay up having only had 3-4 hours sleep. So back to bed and either the alarm never went off or I slept through it. I woke up an hour or so later than I had planned. Thought about going back to bed for the day but sucked it up and went to the flea market. I hadn't gone in probably over a year. It was chilly and breezy-so much so that I didn't even get a funnel cake for fear that I would be blinded by powdered sugar. Had a great time. Had a vision while I was there. SHINEY THINGS! Sequined UGGS. I reached out my hands and touched them. They were real! Boy was I pissed. I left my bundles of cash in my other purse. I would have bought a pair in each color. Are UGGS ugly? Of course they are. Do I give a shit what others think? No. Walk a mile in my shoes and you will be a believer.

See? I told you I woud blog while he was gone.

2011-11-02T20:38:00.002-05:00

Hunter left yesterday. Within and hour of his leaving, I was speeding to the thrift store. I honestly need to get this addiction under control. I do mean it. How does one do it? I am guessing many women share this problem. I am aware that I am trying to fill a void. I am also aware that I get a high from it. I don't have an answer for it. Do you?

I have my own license,....

2011-10-30T19:23:00.000-05:00

so why is someone else driving me crazy? I'd rather just drive myself in my own time and fashion. Two more days and Hunter leaves to go ~~drinking~~ hunting for most of the month of November. I hear that most men get anxious, trying to get their stuff in order. That doesn' make me feel any better. Wherever I go, he's already there. And sometimes I can't get away fast enough. But I have learned to evacuate the area as soon as possible!
Do you have any idea how may things I have been told/asked to do? He figured out this morning that he was filling my head with too much at once. Much of the time he is just thinking our loud. Things go through his head and unfortunately come out his mouth. He realized what he was doing and gave me a hug and said he loved me. I held him for awhile and told him I'd tell him that when I loved him again, I'd let him know. It is the way we play.
I have a lot to bake-pecan bars, choc. chip cookies, brownies, and lasagna- for him to take on his trip plus answering the door for trick or treaters. Perhaps I will leave the light off and just go trick-or-drinking myself! In the morning, Hunter has an appt. with our ortho guy. His neck/shoulder has been bad and hand has been going numb for about a week now. I will go with him so I can know what's really going on. Then I think we will stop and get the camera I want.
Aaugh! It's question after question and order after order. He insists on doing the bills but when anything comes up that he doesn't want to deal with,...it's "Well, I'll let you do it." I'm s'posed to pay comcast, defrost freezer, bring in squash that was actually being used as decoration only. On and on.
Once I am alone I will try to get my ass up here everyday. Once he is gone, I'm sure I will have a lapse in memory. Just one of those days again. Kisses!
What did you say? Oh -yeah, my halloween costume is a long sleeved orange shirt that I got from my daugher and son-in-law. It has -in big black letters-FREAK along with a spider in a web on the one sleeve.

Will post tomorow.

2011-10-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

Am not feeling the best right now. Not to worry. Just mild anxiety for no particular reason. I am fine. I want to thank you all for your comments. Don't get all over Hazel. She is just a kid. Thanks for your love and support. Muah! Peace.

The squirrels did it!

2011-10-27T20:28:00.000-05:00

Warning! If my mind gets going here, there may be alot of the word fuck so if it offends,...turn the page. I totally respect that. Perhaps Hazel-see comment last post-was trying to be helpful but.....cheesy?
This is my blog. My journal. If it were a paper journal....you would see lots of doodles and a coffee stain or two. If this is your way of advertising your services....then you'd better hone up your sales pitch. What's next? Oh, you have laugh lines, I will give you free botox.?
Speaking of squirrels, they are the ones destroying my little (cheesy?...you fucker) display of corn stalks, pumpkins and such. So take it from me, the village idiots wife, take the cobs of corn OFF the stalks!
Fuck-stick gave me the money lecture yesterday and today. I guess it was LOLGOF. (Listen to one lecture, get one free.)
My favorite Christmas song? JOY TO THE WORLD.....AND CRAP TO ME.
On the plus side, I did get my tranny serviced-no, not Chaz.
"Are you smoking in the garage? Don't burn it down!" Followed by a different lecture. I like that Hunter mixes it up.
I know.....why do I stay and all that. I have my reasons. Financial. Love. Allow me to bitch and moan. It could save someone's life someday! Sometimes it's just little irritations that build up. Some are big - ha, I just said big - and fight worthy.
Know what? If had to lose one of my senses, I would give up hearing. I can hear the music in my head. I can even hear it in harmony! Lots of voice lessons, piano lessons and choirs. But I wouldn't have to hear all the meanness in the world and I don't just mean at home.
So, I am sorry for not using the word fuck very much. It was really flying through my mind today but once I get up here to the computer I seem to be much ~~xanax~~ calmer. Or forgetful or flighty or...I know -CHEESY!

Not really a post.

2011-10-27T00:07:00.000-05:00

I had lots of angry whiny thoughts but since my computer is stupid and it took me forever to get here.....while I am still pissed off, I am just so done with it all. Someone is messing with my display of corn stalks, pumpkins and gourds. This is the 4th time and this time they even tipped over the little table too. The neighborhood is changing. Worse yet....'someone' broke the arm off my angel on the porch. This angel sits at a harp-wind chimes. She's two and a half to three feet tall. It was a gift from my younger sister. I got it about 5 years ago. It was expensive and that really doesn't matter except to say she was perhaps generous beyond her means. It also ties into around the time that my dad died. I have had it out on my front porch all that time, under a roof but outside none the less. And I know a fact that it was either Hunter or his buddy that was helping trim out the windows. It has been moved and apparently just pulled her by the arm. Yeah, things happen and Hunter is not known for his wisdom but....JUST TELL ME! It was just the icing on the emotional cake. I won't go into it cuz all I do is bitch and moan anyway.

Coincidence? I think not.

2011-10-25T20:53:00.000-05:00

Felt pretty good despite being awaken to be told that I should probably get up now and get at the yard work cuz it looks like it's going to rain. Then off Hunter goes to help a relative with some electrical work. I got up and coffeed a bit then got at it. Funny how you go to rake a little pile of pine needles and it somehow fills a whole yard waste cart. So then a short (and expected rain). I had to go to Goodwill to give the grass a chance to dry. What? All was dry when I got back and I mowed, picking up only a few bag fulls. Then I took the bagger off and mowed/mulched the rest. Then did a bunch of other stuff. Good day.
Oh....my son was taken to the hospital yesterday. He has pancreatitis. Guess it's not just for drinkers anymore. He had the really bad stomach pains for 5 days but instead of going to the doctor, he just kept moving stuff into their new home. He is home with a modified diet and told to avoid stress. Really? Have you met my son's family? Says his pain meds. ~~send them~~ to ~~mommy~~ aren't working. Weird cuz he rarely even takes an asprin so you'd think it would affect him even more.
Ok. On to read a few and apologize to my DVR for ignoring it. I think tomorrow is another early wake-up call. Cars to have transmisson serviced. Yeesch!

Irritated!

2011-10-22T21:41:00.001-05:00

I feel like I m being strangled. With a very itchy wool scarf. And I can't say the words. I live with "Oh look-a chicken!" Whenever the word we comes into play you can damn well bet I am not a part of the we. It will never be a home even if I could carry the pre-historic sofa bed to the curb. And the heavy gorgeous hope chest, throw it on my back and skip up the stairs? But first I'd have to move the huge desk into the office/computer room. If I had a sex change operation would I then be able to do these things?
Yes, I realize my part in this. I know it is foolish to think I will ever be able to decorate and though I have thought of just throwing most of it away what if Aaron does't pay my house off and pay me back the $25,000.00 like he is supposed to- the apple doesn't fall far from the tree you know-and I will need to sell my stuff to buy my meds or food or whichever I should happen to need most in any given week.
I only hope I die first.

Other than that -I'm fine. Licking the remains of a caramel Milky Way from my lips. Yeah, I know someone else should be doing that but.....I don't have a cat anymore. That's a sick story in itself, isn't it Hunter????

I only came to watch.

2011-10-21T23:05:00.002-05:00

I felt good this morning and had plans to do stuff here at home with Hunter but he was going over to a friends-nearby- to make egg rolls. I kinda knew about that. Then he called and asked me to come over and watch to see how they do it. So I walked over there and watched for a bit. Then when Hunter went outside to be with the guys for awhile, I decided to take his place rolling the egg rolls. Was kind of fun. I'd done them before with my Filipino friend. Her's are the ultimate!!!! After awhile I came home and laid down cuz my back was hurting from leaning over. My neck's been bad for a couple weeks anyway so I took a 3 hour ~~cruise~~ nap, (Oh Skipper, am I giving away my age?)
Hunter went back there for a couple beers and then he came home and made supper. How lucky am I? Tomorrow our other friend will come over to trim out more of the windows That we installed. I am hoping to get some ~~hoarder~~ stuff in the living room ~~hoarder~~ cleaned up. Do yo guys hear that? Someone is whispering that I am a hoarder. I am not. I am a collector. I know my stuff. I get valuable stuff. I get things we need like; dishes, ~~red and green pipe cleaners~~? ~~really?,~~ books ~~like you don't have enough already.~~ clothes ~~that I you have no room for.~~ Christmas dishes, ~~c'mon, you know you won't be having Christmas here.~~ OK! Someone very rude has taken over this keyboard and is writing nasty things about me so I am done.

Gotta get used to it all over again.

2011-10-19T16:23:00.000-05:00

Rainy, blowy out. Hunter got home last night and was even too tired to crash me into the headboard. I think that's a first. So it's bull in a china shop again. I moved my new crystal-one of which was Waterford-out of harm's way. He throws my things on my chair. I clean it off and he puts more on there. I go to wash towels and the washer is in use already. Went to empty the dishwasher and it's, "Can you wait until I finish in here?" I can say no or get into an argument but he is unable to "fight" fair, let alone discuss things like a human being. I take it as a free pass - like I can just stay out of his way.
It's OK. I am ignoring most of it and doing what I want which is.....Blogging!
Not much else going on here. Hunter went to the neighbor and got all the gossip. Am I supposed to be doing that? How about being on the phone all the time? Spending too much? These are generally things women do, right? As I said, just have to deal. And I'm simply not letting it affect me. Now ask me in about 3 days how that's working out for me (to paraphrase Dr. Phil who is a complete idiot.)
Therapist tomorrow. Will let her know that I've felt the way I feel my whole life, that I can recall. I actually can't remember much of the past and only know what I know about it from reading my journals. Too bad I didn't start keeping a journal when I was age one or two! So what if it would have been crayon scribbles. At least I would have known if I was a good scribbler or not.
( Gotta toss in a personal message here. )

BLUE CRAYON JOE!!!

Gotta go! I have 9750 posts to read. Muah!

At least I'm consistent! Bonus - poetry past.

2011-10-18T20:06:00.000-05:00

Hunter was gone just over a week. When he goes away, I just sit and watch TV in the kitchen and smoke. I don't even come up here to blog my day way. How weird is that? I do the necessary things, sure. And there's alot I want to do but..... Anyway-somehow while I was cleaning the ~~penthouse magazines~~ uh...dust on the shelf under my nightstand, I found my old journals. Thought It would be fun to re-read them. Very enlightening! I can quit going to therapy and quit taking meds. Reason being; I have apparently been this way MY WHOLE LIFE!!!! Yes, really. It is who I am and who I will always be. And it's ok. Whew! Now I can quit trying to fix myself. What relief! "I'm accepted by the One who matters most."

everyone tugs at my clothing.

I will it to tear apart

each one left holding

a tiny ragged portion

of what would have been

a magnificent person

had I been left whole.

let them wonder

what terrible thing

they have done

uncreated me.

And so it goes here in Pleasantville. BTW. Who do I have to sleep around here with to get my spell-check to work?

New information about marriage.

2011-10-04T22:04:00.001-05:00

I learned so much today. First of all, know that your husband is superior to you. Thick-headed women like me actually have to be told that out loud. Thank God Hunter told me that this morning because it will help me soooo much. I am not to ask questions, however innocuous. I now realize that what I perceive as idiocy is really knowledge beyond my understanding. That's right! Like when I say something.... it is nothing but when he then utters my exact words as his own.....it's so enlightening! My job is to feign interest in all he says. His conversations are always about hunting or his hunting buddies or neighborhood gossip. This is where I can learn much. I am not to comment on this, merely listen. I think I am s'posd to throw in the occasional "Oh." or"Wow!"

I'm over it, but sometimes I just gotta get it out. BTW - this all started because of a van with a Vietnam sticker on the back window and a license plate that said: 4 1 sign.

I took care of his nuts. Now he can take care of his hose.

2011-10-02T18:40:00.001-05:00

Hunter gathered walnuts from a man named Scott who is a jackass. I know cuz I was at a grad. party at his house for his daughter-my friend. One day as I was outside trying to enjoy my backyard with all this stupid ass "polka" sounding music coming from a ~~fiesta~~ party in the park, I heard the most beautiful thing!!!! It was saxophone music coming down the street. Towards our house! I went to the front yard and here was this teenage girl playing and walking, not self conscience in the least. I stopped her to tell her how beautiful her playing was. Since that time we became friends. I call her Saxy. Anyway, at her party, the more beer the dad-Scott-had, the meaner he became. Then the way he talked to his sister? That did it for me.

Oh sorry. I got side-tracked there for a moment. I didn't feel well yesterday and today I was just plain exhausted. No mental or physical reason. I just never know how I am going to feel. And speaking of farting.....Hunter made plans for us to go see a comedian with our friends. $65.00 a ticket! Really? And I have never heard of this guy. And worse yet, we have to sit in the balcony. Am I a tight rope walker? I think not. So.....heights? Yeah, not my favorite place. I can only hope this guy is not funny cuz if he is.....and I laugh......I will cough and.....THAAAAAATS RIGHT. Multi-tasking isn't all it's cracked up to be. *tee-hee, I said crack*

Cut to the chase *ha. I said cut*
I had finished dinner and cleaned up and just went out on the porch to have a cup of ~~cigarettes~~ coffee and Hunter comes around to the front of the house and says he needs me to help put the nuts in the yard waste cart cuz they are too small. And also needed my help measuring the hose as he need to get a new one. Then Mr. ADD - "oh look, a chicken!"-says he's going to drop off some spaghetti squash at Ralph's. So when he left, I took care of his nuts for him. He did thank me when he got home, asking if I did it myself. Now I've been handling nuts all my life.........

Someone slap me in the face tomorrow morning so I can wake up and enjoy this beautiful weather

My therapist is going to try to slap the cigarettes right outta my mouth!

2011-09-29T11:51:00.000-05:00

Dreary out but the Son shines in my soul. I asked Hunter if he ever thought of me the way he thinks of others feelings, needs and desires. I actually made this a much shorter sentence with no aggression or sarcasm (my super power.) He said yes, he did. I left it at that and so I have seen a change for the better since then. I s'pose we all have a tendency to get complacent and take people/things for granted.

I see my therapist today. We will be discussing an opps! comment I made two weeks ago. I said that cigs were my best friend. We were on the topic of smoking and I told her that when I had quit for several months awhile ago, I felt like I had lost my best friend. Can't explain it because it was just a feeling. A true inexplicable feeling. She always makes me feel better. She picks up on things that I never would have thought of. I mean, she says something that comes out of left field-OK, my left field, I guess. But it's like BAM! And I feel enlightened.

Then.......I am going to Goodwill, with Hunter's blessing.
He's at the taxidermists right now and then after dinner he may be going to a friend's house to look at an electrical problem he's having. Tomorrow he meets a guy he used to work with for lunch. He is truly a social butterfly and I am OK with this as long as he keeps me in the loop and cares about me. I require little maintenance. I am not that social. I talk to people in the neighborhood and even in the grocery line. I just prefer being alone (not the same as lonely) at home. Not shy or afraid.

I have a friend who told me not to tell people about things I see or hear. But I am going out on a limb here-I think I saw the sun for a little bit. Wishful thinking perhaps. But you are all so non-judgemental that I feel safe telling you. Getting windy this after noon (about the time of my appt.) Gusts or 40 to 50 miles an hour. Wind to last 'till early morning. I love weather!!!!!
Peace.

Almost had a chance and today I think I have the balls to go ahead anyway!

2011-09-28T12:53:00.000-05:00

Hunter was gone for several hours and I had planned to make use of the fact that I had the kitchen and bathroom to myself. I got several things done and had begun to clear the table so I could clean the fan, change the table cloth. The usual. Had half the things off the table-there was much to clear off as ~~I am not a hoarder~~ we had a bit too much stuff on there. I was half-way done and Hunter comes home. Shit. He's like, "Oh. Are you cleaning off the table? " Really? This is something he tells me to do and by the time I get around to it, he has already done it having put everything of mine in a bag or box. Pisses me off. So, he gets the mail and says he had planned to sit and go through the mail. Fine, I left and came up here. That was the wrong thing to do. Why do I always acquiesce to his desires? Oddly, assertiveness is not in my genetic make-up and so, I will have to learn it. I am someone and I can't keep letting him-or others-keep walking all over me. Can you say doormat? I will go back downstairs in a minute and start clearing off the table in the living room. He was excited about that because he plans to keep all of his friend's wives pepper plants on it to winter over-they go south for the winter. He gives all this "kindness"-and yes, I know he does these things so that others like him-but cares not for what I might need or want. I will use the table as a clean space to do crafts or whatever I choose! If he insists on the plants, I want to have the balls to tell him to stick them up his ass. Of course, being the kind-hearted girl that I am....I will offer to stick them up his ass for him. And therefore, watch for a future post where I complain about the fact that these plants are all over my house. You do know that when I met him, my house was totally paid for, right? Yes, two mortgages later my house has gone down in value to the point that it is worth about as much as the mortgage. He promised me twice that he would pay them off. No one to blame but myself.
But I have been feeling so much better lately despite the fact that it has been cloudy and rainy for several days now. You will think me even weirder than usual when I tell you the reason. I have been watching Dancing with the Stars and the one guy had been seriously injured/burned in the war. Then he was/is? on General Hospital. He has the most upbeat, happy amazing attitude EVER! He is an inspiration to me. Peace-out!

HI-HO mower! AWAY!

2011-09-26T16:25:00.003-05:00

Hunter bought me a new mower. I realize this was a kind gesture. Our lawn is divided up with many things to go around. Not a big yard. Former mower, while not completely dead, well...we were close to calling hospice. That mower was perfect. It was lightweight, mulching and if bagging was needed, the bagger was easy to handle. I did struggle at times due to the ditches, drains or gullies-whichever you prefer-that Hunter dug (ok, he had me do most of it) to handle gutter drainage. When he had the patio poured, he put in drains beneath the cement to come out the end of the patio. Perhaps an idea that looked better on paper as the one downspout right by the back door seems to overflow? creating an tiny ice rink that we have to remember to avoid during the snow/ice weather. Course, I think having an electrician put in a light by the back door would be helpful...oh wait! Hunter is a retire electrician. On to the new mower. He bought it in Wisconsin and I was not there to help pick it out. It is heavy. It is self-propelled (which I don't need) and the grass flies out the side chute. Would need an additional part to make it a mulching mower plus the piece would stick out as far as the side discharge thing does. This makes is hard to mow as before. I can no longer get close to things. The flap on the back is made out of plastic instead of rubber and it is too high off the ground. I have a mark on my shin where a rock shot out and hit me. I use the self-propel thing only a little bit here an there. I have it set on the tortoise setting as opposed to the rabbit and the lever for that is marked as such - truth. But when I do use the self-propel feature, the mower kind of rears up on it hind "legs" then back down where it flies-dragging me behind it until I can remember to release the lever. There are alot of spots I can no longer mow as the mower is too big to reach in there. As and aside, I'd like to say that I have used different self-propelled mowers and do know how o use them.
There's more but I want to read a few posts and then I need to go downstairs and make some chicken soup.
Had shut down the computer because Hunter wanted us to move it as a friend was bringing us a computer desk. I did as he said but,...nothing else occurred. So I turned it back on and oddly....it seems to be working better...gmail....blog. Yay! Peace.

Got my eye on a ribeye!

2011-09-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

S'posed to be going to the VFW for a yummy rib dinner with our friends down the street but Hunter isn't home yet. He went shopping with our Vietnamese neighbor to get ingredients for the spring rolls she makes. Hunter is going there tomorrow to have her teach him how to make them. Found out late last night that her hubby will be there and also the Mexican couple that lives behind us. Me? Not invited, thought of-but really wouldn't want to go anyway. Last time I was there they had live chickens in their garage-not allowed in our village-and she was slitting their throats and draining their blood to make blood soup. opps - gotta go hang my sheets!
Hmm. How many days ago did I start this? Was going to say that VFW stood for very fine whiskey but at the last minute I remembered the last time we were there and whatever was used for the mixer in my drink was moldy. They don't clean the lines out. Glad I remembered to bring my own bottle of water. Mai did not. She ordered water and it too was moldy. Just yuk. I don't want to go there anymore. Hunter was gone all day. I got lot done-what with having access to my kitchen and laundry room. Then I went to thrift shop to get a basket for my pumpkin/corn stalk display by my lamp post out front. Guess that's it for now. My blog is beoming tricky to access now too. I go round and round trying to get in and at some point, I hit: create new. That puts me right to my blog Weird, huh?
Am up here doing this because I actually want to watch tv but since that's also messed up-to be fair it is old- I have to let it make all the fuzz and noise it wants until it gets over itself and works right. I have stuff on dvr but since it's such a bitch to wait for the TV, all I seem to do when I do get to watch tv is to delete suff to make room to record more shows that I won't be able to watch.
Thanks for being here for me. I seem to be invsible again. Does that mean I am a size zero? Sounds like we are going somewhere for step-son's girlfriend Shabath's birthday on Sunday. His last girlfriend's name was Kasia. Whatever happened to Dick, Jane and Sally? Guess it's not as bad as Apple or Blanket right?

This woulda been blunk drogging except......

2011-09-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

I have spent the last 40 minutes trying to access my gmail. Now from what I can gather, I do not exist. Good! First I will haunt Comcast and their 'not responding' shit. Then...oh wait, my list is too long. I have been trying to get my gmail restored for about a week now. If that isn't enough to sober a person up I don't know what is. And yet, sometimes I am miraculously transported to the land of gmail. So we went to the farm and picked pumpkins that Hunter had planted. Some squash too, butternut and acorn and what ever the spaghetti one is called. Then we pulled up all the vines and while Hunter was rototilling-I'd like to use spell check on this but when I click on it all I get is the quivery words [spell check] so perhaps I don't exist and spell check is afraid of me. I'm sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the three shots of whiskey and a 7/7. So off Linda and I went on the green thingie into the cornstalks so I could get some to tie up around my lampost.
Whiskey - It's not just for breakfast anymore.

An alien in my house.

2011-09-20T12:37:00.000-05:00

Well,.....actually it is Hunter returned from a 2 week stint at his friends farm. Goose hunting is the Polish word for drinking.Whatever. He pretty much had the farm to himself because his"bromance guy" - yeah, the one who wanted to tap me-worked long hours which gave Hunter plenty of space to cook Brian's dinner every night and do chores and stuff. All of that is fine, what ever works for you.
The point is...he's Baaaaaaaaack! I need to wash towels but- oh, the washer is already in use. That's OK. I need to clean some stuff. Oops! My cleaning stuff and paper towels are by the kitchen sink and he's there cutting apples that Brian uses to bait the deer stands-the apples that are laying on he ground-to make apple sauce. Hm......I decided to go upstairs to change sheets and so far I haven't been interrupted. Yay me!
I'm not a total pussy though....I did shove my way though to get to my xanax. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Spend time away and the computer goes nuts!

2011-09-20T00:14:00.000-05:00

I am so confused right now that I might as well be chiseling pictures on the wall of a cave. My gmail is acting like a 3 year old. Twitter kind of showed up on my doorstep (haven't used that in 100 years). But there seems to be three of them and I never know which I'll get.
Me? I'm the same; good, bad or indfferent. The weather has been beautiful. I just don't want to play outside. I don't want to play inside either. I want to either feel better or sleep.
I want to take time to read all my emails and blogs. Hunter was gone for two weeks and I just sit inside watching TV. I could have spent all the time I wanted up here on the computer but I didn't. I don't ge why that is. Don't forget about me. I am still here even when I'm not. Muah!

9-11

2011-09-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

We Remember.

We mourn those who lost or gave their lives.
We grieve for those who lost someone in this terrible attack.
Our hearts break.

We may not have been there or known anyone directly involved.
Yet they are out brothers and sisters.
We are family.
We are Americans.

God Bless America!

Yesterday's Post

2011-08-30T22:14:00.001-05:00

I do not belong here.
This is not the life I was meant to live.
I am somebody.
I want to get a small motor home and travel all around with a couple little dogs.
I want to explore nature and swim and fish.
I want to walk through all the little shops.
Sit by a fire at night.
Calm.
Beautiful and content.
Where is this life that I should be living?
Nobody would hurt me.
No one could steal my joy

The goats are on strike!

2011-08-24T03:03:00.000-05:00

Now I will have to mow the fucking lawn myself. What? Don't you "poor baby" me! This is serious. The grass is longer than the braided underarm hair on a Polish bride! Now. What to do about those goats.....I know! I'll call my LambWhore leader. SARA!!!!!!!!!

Whoop! Whoop!

2011-08-24T00:32:00.000-05:00

They don't call it the 100 day cough for nothing! I am worn out. Plain and simple. Like Meadow, my cough is getting less frequent but the severity is the same. So yeah,...a big thank-you to all who haven't vaccinated their children.

Just Because....

2011-08-12T00:42:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile because I am just too tired. I don't do anything and each day I do even less. am not depressed or anything. Just tired. Have been doing this coughing (whooping cough?) and it totally wears me out. I was given a Z-pack and after that I got some really good cough syrup. I have helped with a couple windows. Did wash and hang out a couple loads of laundry yest. cuz it was and has been beautiful out!!!!! Met some friends at the VFW for rib eye dinner. Not too shabby. Hunter enjoyed his ~~drinks~~ meal too.
I went to TJMaxx to buy myself birthday presents. It is our new way of doing things. He gives me a dollar amount and I do don't go over it. He also gets me a dozen roses (white), a card and a German Chocolate cake. Anyway, I went and spent 3/4ths of that. 2/3rds I spent on things for the house that he had mentioned in the recent past. He was like, No. Why did you get this? Where were you planning to put this and I don't need this. FINE WITH ME! (remember the part about don't mess with MiddleChild?) I returned the stuff and got clothes and a Waterford Crystal vase and since I couldn't decide which of the two Dooney and Bourke purses to get......I got them both! What? At least I put the Coach shoes back. Give me some credit!
The kids are still in Vegas. We extended their vacation another 3 days. They are having such a great time. You can't imagine how warm, happy and excited this makes me feel. Jenn sent me pictures of Cain (16) standing between 2 showgirls. He was on tippy-toe, tilted towards the one with the biggest ~~tits~~ boobs. That's my boy! Apparently he drove everyone down the mountain too. Who needs a license, right? He does have a permit. I just told them not to tell his mom know until they were done. Things are going along as always. I am kinda at the part where I think......what's the point of all this (life) again? Remind me.

Lay next to me.

2011-08-02T16:46:00.000-05:00

One day there will be the king-sized bed. First reason is that we will eventually get another dog and the dog sleeps with us. Second reason is that I have trouble sleeping with the bed hog.-Oooo double funny 'cuz I just thought about the snorting noises! I don't mind an elbow in my face once in awhile but really? Do I look like I'd be happy sleeping on 1/6th of a bed? (one foot on the floor and hanging onto the nightstand for dear life.)
That being said - we have discovered a solution. We sleep like shoes in a shoebox! Hunter now sleeps with his head at the foot of the bed with the fan blowing right in his face so he can breathe. It gives us an abundance of room. Go 69 figure!
And God bless the man who makes the whole dinner out on the grill in hot-bitch weather. Won't even have to marinate the chicken. The dripping sweat will take care of that. Fresh corn-on-the-cob that Hunter just picked at his cousin's farm. I will throw some seasoned -read BUTTER-potatoes in foil and that will go on the grill too.
The 3 grand kids leave for Vegas on Thurs. Hope they will have a wonderful time with their aunt, uncle and cousins. If not.....I want my money back. After all...I could have bought 2 or 3 Coach purses instead!

Grass. Divorce. Porn.

2011-07-29T23:33:00.001-05:00

I am going to mow the rain off the blades of grass.
Why are our grandparents' parents called greatgrandparents? How do we know if they were great?
Kind of cool that 6 of the 20 houses on our block (10 houses on each side) are doing construction projects.
Why would I be selling a new $218.00 King size duvet cover set (includes shams and bed skirt) for $35.00 at my garage sale? Opps! I'm not! I just found the comforter I bought it for. I really need to get stuff boxed up for the sale though. I think I will just make everything $1.00. All items not sold by the second day of sale by noon, will be free. Anything left will be donated!
Took a shower so I could sweat some more. I think no matter when, no matter where we live,.. we have all had crappy weather 365 days a year. BTW - if you ever have nice weather....I don't want to hear about it.
Warning!!! Computers can cause divorce. No. I am not talking about on line affairs or porn. A little of the latter can go a looong way. It's just when Hunter tries to do e-mail, he always needs my help. I know I am an idiot savant but I am willing to admit it and am always happy for help or a chance to learn something new. Him? He asks for help but won't listen. Then he gets mad. Bah. If I had the doors back on the computer room, I'd put on locks.
Hunter is already talking (to his 'little' friends) about getting another dog. Sure I would like another dog but Belle's water dish isn't even dry!!! And really, is it narcissistic of me to think that I should be included in the search for Hunter's next life partner?
Enough. Let him play at the game of life. He can play by hs own rules. Me? I don't really "play" games. I am fair and honest. I care. What you see is what you get. I do like to play cards and baseball and many other things but,....Hey. I wasn't even talking about that.
Ok that's about it or rather, it's getting late. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite!

She's gone.

2011-07-27T23:11:00.000-05:00

We finally had Belle put to sleep. It was time. Hunter took it pretty well. He decided at the last minute to stay in the room with me when they put her down. He was amazed at how fast and painless it was. So the grieving will take time but we will be ok. There will always be occasions where something occurs that reminds us of her, but eventually we will be left with only good memories.

We just had a nasty storm go through here. I was sure that lightening was going to fly in the window and zap me as I sit here upstairs with no blinds on the windows and not much on. Yeah I need to do laundry. have been putting that off as well as everything else.

Well....it's 11PM. I have eaten 5 "fun-sized" caramel Milky Way bars. S'pose I should go have a sandwich or maybe just some cigs and coffee. Hey! I just remembered....there's donuts!!!! I am not supposed to eat this shit cuz I have type II diabetes. Yeah, I will just have coffee. That has Splenda in it and will cancel out the sugar, right?

Still here.

2011-07-24T22:51:00.000-05:00

Just busy or just not. Heat. Belle going downhill fast. Hunter sleeping next to her on bathroom floor right now. Kids are going to Vegas. I hope they have a wonderful time. None of them have flown before. Meadow has whooping cough. I have been in close-though not continual-contact with her. My daughter said I need to get checked out. I have had a cough for three weeks now. I doubt it is whooping cough. probably just a touch of lung cancer. We'll see what he says.
Can I borrow a cup of rain water? Sorry about the noise. It's just my loud headache. Sunday's are the longest day of the week. Hunter made me a Turtle Sundae. I ate 2 bites of fish. (Don't tell anyone.) I just noticed that I didn't turn the fan on up here. Remember how I said-the last 4 sales I had-that I'd never have another one? Guess what is happening over Labor Day weekend? I know..right? No offer refused. Just need it gone!!!!!

It's too damn hot!

2011-07-17T19:27:00.000-05:00

I need to take Belle for a walk and it is killer out! Humidity is horrendous. I need to water my flowers. It all will have to wait until ~~tonight~~ some other night. Actually, from what I can tell, it will have to wait until Sunday. Belle looks bloated. The Hunter is concerned because she hasn't "done her business" yet. She went yesterday but I think he is looking for a way to fix her bloatedness. (That may possibly be a new word.) Tomorrow's weather is supposed to be worse-well the rest of the week as well. Bah. Bring on the snow!!!!
Will see if my daughter calls tomorrow about whether or not the kids can go to visit their uncle, aunt and cousins in Vegas. I won't be the go between anymore. It's too hot to worry about any of that plus,...time to grow up kids!!
I am too hot to think about anything except sleep.
Oh? Too much complaining about the weather and others are so much worse off than I am and I should shut it? My blog. My bitching.

And he cries.

2011-07-16T00:25:00.000-05:00

This is terrible! I have had to deal with alot of deaths so why is this so hard? The Hunter has trouble sleeping and cries a bit here and there. I hate to see him is so much pain. And there is nothing I can do for him but share his pain. A few time he talks aloud, "What did I do to you? Did I cause this?" I remind him that he did nothing but give her a wonderful life. We cancelled the trip to his friends farm because the vet said it would be too wearing on Belle. I also changed my plans to go see my son in Vegas. Right now, the ball is in my daughter's court. My son, his wife and I have offered to fly the 3 grandkids to Vegas. She has to talk to her husband and will let me know. Then she talks about how she and I should go to Vegas in a few months, but to stay in a hotel and go to the shows and play the slots, etc. I get this, I really do but.....she doesn't really have any contact with him and seems so selfish. Example? When my son-her only sibling-had brain surgery, she got together enough money -with my help- to stay in a motel with her kids and they went swimming and out to eat, etc. She treated it as a vacation, and even said as much. I mean, she talked much more about the "vacation" part than her brothers life-threatening surgery. On the other hand, she cries and keeps telling me to take care of The Hunter because she knows how badly this will hurt him, to lose his dog. I guess I am not explaining this very well. All I can say is, I am really taken aback at how hard this is.

Thy will be done.

2011-07-12T22:31:00.000-05:00

Belle (will be 9 in October) does have cancer in her liver. She has about 3 - 6 months to live. She seems pretty fine right now, you'd never know it. I will not let her suffer, even for a moment. I will know when the time comes and I will have her put down. I am pretty sure The Hunter is on the same page.

On a brighter note...I am going to Cain's ballgame tomorrow. And brighter still...I am going to see my son and his family in vegas and I am taking my grandson Nathan (almost 15) with me!!

Well, apparently I have to go to bed now. The Hunter is going back into his control freak mode. He's the freak and I am the one he thinks he can control.

Our black dog daughter

2011-07-12T09:50:00.000-05:00

Took Belle (black lab) to vet yesterday because she had thrown up. I think The Hunter's concern was bcause he had given her a bone and she ate and swallowed into shards. She threw that up at the time but he was concernd about puntured bowels or something (because I had menioned it.) He finally decided we shouldn't give her bones, which I had been telling him for years. At any rate, the vet decided to give her xray. Turns out she has a mass in her liver and will go for an ultrasound today. Pray it isn't cancer though I have a feeling that it is. The Hunter had been soooo crabby since that appt. It will devastate him if she has to be put down. I love all animals-notice..I don't hunt-but have been though so much death that while it will hurt my heart as she is the sweetest thing,...I will be OK even though I will have to spend awhile crying. The Hunter's feelings will come as anger or acting out. And I will unreasonably be on the recieving end of this.
Just pray that Belle will be ok. Thanks.

The keyboard is wet.

2011-07-10T22:08:00.000-05:00

So I can't post. Can I interest anyone in some humidity? Not only will I share,..but I will let you have it all. Yeah, I am a giver.
The last 3 times I've had a garage sale, I swore I would never do it again. Well guess what I'm ~~stupidly~~ doing Labor Day weekend? I know, right? I must get rid of this crap. I am Hoarders without the dead animals, rotten food, poopy diapers and all those gross things. Let's just say I am a collector. No, not string or rubberbands or belly button lint. I mean books and purses and shoes and coats and jewelry and crystal and plates and dishes and antiques and knicknacks like Lenox and Goebel and shiny things and Christmas stuff and these awesome Indian/Eskimo collector dolls and stieff bears and perfume and make-up and...I will just have to close my eyes and toss the stuff in boxes and let it all go. Well, I mean,....I am keeping the purses and the jewelry and the coats and most of the shoes and stuff.

Opps! I forgot a title. Imagine it as you wish.....

2011-07-07T12:45:00.001-05:00

FURRY BOTTOMS- not on purpose!
COFFEY - If you are scooting, you probably have worms and better get yourself to the proctologist pronto!

An aside to The Hunter, "YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"

Hope I don't accidentally stop at Goodwill and spend some of "his" money. I am married so those of you who aren't probably don't realize that all the money and everything else - once you foolishly say, "I Do" - becomes his. (Including YOUR house whch was fully paid for when you met this Prince Charming poser. I will be seeing the therapist shortly and will have her help me decide the best course of action to deal with the latest incarnation of The Hunter .
                                                             1 - Ignore
                                                             2 - Give up.
                                                             3 - Retaliate in kind. (Which is what I want to do but
                                                             then I am mean and supid like he is).
                                                             4 - Submit until they have to lock me up.

Yes, I know the 5th but am not willing to go there.

Braided poop.

2011-07-06T20:28:00.000-05:00

And that will be as far as that goes. Then there was Belle's droppings which I, as a good mom, pick up. First bag full. Fine. Toss in trash. Second bag, looser, grabbed what I could with bag and "oh fuck - there's a hole in the bag!" Not happy and you sure wouldn't want to shake my hand! But as they say "Shit Happens!" Go on with your life. Except......on further inspection....there wasn't a hole in the bag. Did you hear me? No. Hole. In. Bag. That means the hole was in my head and I deserved to walk around with smelly mush all over hand 'till I got home. I will practice how to use a bag to pick up dog crap by having The Hunter poop in the yard (he already pees in it).
Had a wonderful time at my daughter's on the fourth of July. Er,...no, wait. That wasn't me. I was at my daughter's alright but it was because her husband came to the ER where she works, while she was working. He almost never goes to doctors, hospitals or dentists. He had Pancreatitis. He isn't a drinker but I guess it had something to do with his gallbladder. I was surprised they only kept him one night. Then her car broke down(whie he was still in hospital) and....just imagine us watching fireworks from the grocery store parking lot, with 16 yr. old Cain under the truck trying to fix it and I was laying on the ground holding the flashlight etc. And so it goes here in Pleasantville. I am not even going to get into it about The Hunter I see my therapist tomorrow and she will help me decide if I should use a gun or one of his hunting knives.
See? Right up here on my tail (and not in a good way) to tell me he's soaking his feet and I can come look at his toe for him and well, I don't even like to talk about it cuz feet and toes are kind of yuk. Pretty yuk. My own? No problem.

A submissive wife.

2011-07-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

Really ? WAIT! My post is jumping all around and stuff! How ~~scary~~ fun is that? I a not responsible for any weird spelling or lack of letters or spaces that don't space. Ok. So I did go back and correct it all. Next time I go to a ballgame, I will go play with Meadow. The Hunter woke me up to ask me what time I was getting up. Yeah. I bet you guys get that all the time. So, of course I came downstairs just as he was leaving. I started to say something but he was being a dick so.......at least he left me a note telling me what to do while he'd be gone. He's good like that. If he didn't let me know what to do, I would just probably be going in circles and walking into walls. "Bet 'cha glad your husband is not like mine!"*to be sung.* And when I said my post was jumping around, I mean it literally. So I had all this running around to do today an planned on staying inside and doing fun stuff. Oh hell no. The window guy is coming again and you know what that means. First of all....I will have to put on clothes before I come downstairs. Then I will again be that apprentice. Fuck. Oooo...can I say that?
My ooriginal post was going to be about how it is impossible to be a "good" wife. Actually, I AM a good wife. I haven't killed him yet, right? Enough. I am totally frustrated with this computer.

It's too damn hot! Sing it like you mean it!

2011-06-30T23:12:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is a stay in or die kind of day. Well, I mean it will be. It was hot at Meadow's ballgame. They lost by one. She asks if I am coming over and I always say no. And she is sad. This is because her mom, my daughter, never asks me to. The only reason for this is thoughtlessness. I know I am aways welcome. It is hard to describe my daughter. So I won't try. I installed an update cuz one of my boys said to always do that. Now my computer sucks even more. Instead of this being a relaxing toy for me,....it is to the point that I want to send it crashing through the window! Speaking of shattering, we were weren't we? Yesterday The Hunter mentions that when I get a chance, I can clean up the broken glass. Um,...what? Seems that two of the windows he took out fell and while the one on top was ok, but the one on the bottom shattered. Kind of describes my marriage, my heart. So I cleaned it up, good wife that I am. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

blunk drogging

2011-06-28T18:13:00.002-05:00

Oh no I didn't! Really. It was by accident. I mean,....I took my "keep me alive" pills. Then my anti-Hunter pill. Then, since there was alot happening, I took a ~~half vicodin~~ energy pill which has the added effect of assertiveness, which I definitely do not have. Remember the ladder? Yeah, the heavy one. Um, Hum. The one I helped put up there Sunday. Guess what I had to help bring back down today? Yup. You guessed it! (Man, you guys are good). And help carry a window cuz really? How could 2 strong men possibly do it on their own? So....like one of the guys....I joined them in the drinking celebration. After all.....3 hours work deserves some kind of reward right? I am not "straight" enough right now to trust myself to carry the little vacuum back upstairs In fact I don't think I will try to back my vehicle into the driveway from the street two doors down cuz, well, you can get a ticket for drunk backing up, right? How many spaces go between sentences? I forget. Tomorrow we do two more windows. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. Oh yeah. Like a kid on Christmas morning. The Hunter wants to go get chicken at Brown's so....wheeeee. I will be back up here to read some posts once they stop being so blurry. K?

My rollercoaster

2011-06-26T13:21:00.002-05:00

I'm here. I am fine. Having weird bad days then ok days then good days. Then the computer was messed up. The Hunter tried to use it. So, I am still manly. Today's "see if you can do it" was....help lift the 24' extension ladder up over my head and climb a step ladder to set it on the brackets that were built in front of MY shelves that are in my way and now I can't get to my boxes and The Hunter put 2x4's p there 1st. so now we had to put the ladder behind those. Sorry about the run-on sentence. I'm just sayin'......really heavy ladder. Above my head. On a stepladder. Crabby. He built the shelves and said, " I did this for you." I cried because he has never said something that sweet. And so again it was my fault for believing him. I wrote this on saturday. It won't post but will save as a draft. I just allowed a windows update and so.....????

I did it!!!

2011-06-26T13:21:00.001-05:00

Yay me!

try try again

2011-06-26T13:20:00.000-05:00

couldn't post so I will try again. this is a test. it is only a test. if it were real, it would have posted!

Don't want to be alive.

2011-06-20T14:32:00.002-05:00

I just don't want to be alive. It's too hard. It's to stupid. What do I do that is of any consequence? Nothing. I would never take my own life. It's just that there is nothing here for me. I do nothing. I am nothing. This is not a poor me post. It is just a fact or possibly a feeling. I can't wait to....nothing. I am looking forward to......nothing. I accomplish nothing. I want to sleep. Even though my dreams are usually not fun, at least something is going on in them.
I will go to my therapist tomorrow and tell her everything is ok. Really, what can she do or tell me that I don't already know? I had planned to go back to bed after 11 hours of sleep. But I will make The Hunter the chicken salad he wants and help him move the big rocks that got moved from where I had/wanted them. We will go to Meadow's ballgame tomorrow and if anyone is there besides myself, I will feel alone and unaccepted. Again, just my perception. I cannot help how I feel. I am too tired to even pretend. I told The Hunter, when asked, that I didn't want to be alive. Opps. Guess I'd never verbalized that before. We will probably go to church tonight. Will God speak to me there? I imagine so but I don't listen. I am a bad listener. Perhaps if He shouted. People are weird, mean, apathetic. I am present until I realize that I am the only one that can see and hear me. I will survive. It's just that I don't think surviving is enough. I have everything I need. No one is hurting me. I had an ok childhood. Depression is a mighty force and I can only think this is the basis of my emotional weirdness. If you haven't experienced depression, it is difficult to understand. I do not ask for pity. I am just stating the facts as I see them today. Peace.

Dabbling in Depression

2011-06-16T15:14:00.003-05:00

R. JACOB - You are a very beautiful man. I appreciate the award and thank-you so very much. I don't do awards but am very touched. You have encouraged me with one little comment you left on one of my posts. I want to let my creative side out because of that. See what a difference you have made!

I have been too depressed of late. I was depressed about family and the whole thing about feeling unloved, and not in a poor me kind of way. It's more a sadness that others can't think beyond themselves. But I have always held to the notion that it is better to love and get hurt than never to give love at all. I think that those who are unable to give love are also missing out on the beauty all around them. With that said....I give you all my love and take it or leave it. I don't give it to get anything in return, rather...because it is an automatic feeling for me.

'cuz yestersday was depressing

2011-06-15T23:52:00.003-05:00

And lucky for you I waited a day. Was at Cain's ballgame last night and as always, I feel left out. I know it is my own perception. It's not like anyone did anything to me. It's me allowing things to bother me. Just not worth going into. I was up until 3am just thinking my thoughts. I slept about 7 hours and went out into the garage/man-cave/opium den and had coffee and cigarettes until I felt I wanted to participate in the day. To combat my sadness, I went to the thrift shop. I know. Sad. They had some of the one type of Christmas plates I use. Lenox Winter Greetings. The plates were $12.21 each. Yikes. 25% off of that. Eight plates. I needed to come home and look up the regular price. I was then thinking of getting them but.....we went to see Bridesmaids and when the movie was over, the store was closed. If they are there next Wednesday, that means God wants me to have them and so I will get them. Looking the plates up on line got me to the blog "Between Naps on the Porch." I thought that was pretty cool. The post was from Dec.'09, I think. Ya just never know where you people will show up! Want to read some posts. Catch you later.

Blunk Drogging

2011-06-13T20:17:00.003-05:00

But I am getting some of my faculties back now. Still......Do you know why there is a watermelon swimming in our laundry tub in the basement? Me too. Um....why?
I thought The Hunter was cheating on Prego with Ragu. But then it turned back into Prego. He also got a carrot cake. Or was it celery cake? The tree guys were high. In the neighbor's trees that The Hunter paid to have trimmed but they aren't our trees. Is that legal? I need a shower but I need to wait awhile cuz since I was testing The Hunter's drinks for him,....to be sure they weren't poisoned, you know. But so I need to wait cuz I could still fall and hit my head on a bar of soap and that wouldn't be pretty cuz head wounds bleed like a son-of-a-bitch. Did I just say that out loud? Is that ok to say? I mean,.......what if someone is reading this and their mom really is a bitch and he is her son?
And you know what else? I don't have a camera but I think I will use The Hunter's and have one of the kids show me how to get the pictures out of the little box and into the big box. See. If we could just go back to writing letters....I could draw the pictures for you. But Noooooo. You all call it snail mail. Just remember......the Snail beat the Hare. Yeah. That's right. Oooo. someone moved my slipper and I have it halfway off my foot. That was kinda scary. But I do need to go downstairs and check to see if that loud sound was The Hunter having fallen. But I can wait a little while. Right Coffey?

Man those balls are heavy!

2011-06-12T21:28:00.004-05:00

Early up for church. Too early. I needed a nap when we got home. Slept for about an hour and a half. Felt much better when I woke up. Mowed. Then weeded the day lilies. So much yard work to do, but it looks great and it's about the only thing that gives me a sense of accomplishment. Since I am a wild creature, I like my yard the same way. Yet because I am also a child at heart, I like fun and shiny things. I try to keep the weird in the back yard. But I have been buying bowling balls at Goodwill and want to put them in my yard. I really want to put them in the front flowerbeds but I am yet another kind of person on the front porch. There's the beach chair picture and the flowing sheer (and I've been told, sexy) curtains up on the south side of the porch. So...bowling balls? Really? I guess I will leave them in the back somewhere. They are too heavy to drag out front. I have three colors. I am hoping to find some really blue ones. (Joe? You listening?) Peace.

Got my books!!!!!

2011-06-11T14:19:00.003-05:00

I finally went and got my books yesterday at the book store. The Hunter also wanted me to look for a new book he'd seen advertised on TV. Now I just need to take the time to read. We also got some more flowers planted. Wet ground, wet plants. No need to water. And really....who doesn't like to play in the mud. Yeah, I can see how fun mud-wrestling would be. My plants are sooooooooo water logged. I tried to dry them out. First I used The Hunter's heat gun-you know, the big red thing. My burning bush caught fire and I didn't even get to talk to Jesus tho I'm sure I was taking the name of the Lord in vain. I decided to try my hairdryer. It helped some but I kept getting shocked, then it quit all together.
I am looking to some sunshine the next few days. If my mood gets any lower, I will be sitting in the bottom of one of our cisterns. Today, I just don't want to play life. Perhaps a move (meaning popcorn for dinner.) Maybe cards. If not, I know I will want to just hide under the covers. I want to go away, go away. Perhaps a road trip. No destination in mind. No time limits. Poke around little towns. Stay in a nice motel/hotel, with a restaurant, bar, and fabulous pool. Ok, if you want to throw in a spa,....I will go along with that. Then in the mountains. Camp with strangers. Rent a house on the beach. Just a dream. Did you notice I didn't mention any travel companions?

Why can't it all be open 24/7?

2011-06-09T21:16:00.004-05:00

I want to go shopping. Why can't all the stores be open 24 hours a day? I am! Mom's with kids may not always be but I can say with all certainty that they are on call. Maybe I want to go bowling. (speaking of bowling, my mostly blind son bowled a 220! No....there weren't those bumper thingies in the gutters and no, he doesn't have a seeing eye dog that runs down the lane and wags his tail 'till the pins fall.) Are there some words that could be either one syllable or two depending? Like, um....Charles. At first glance one would think it is two syllables. But say it quickly and it could be one, right? Temp. dropped more than 30 degrees in one day. How cool is that? Cool, get it? Sometimes my mind is like a bumper car. Need to plant and weed but it's too wet and tomorrow will be even wetter. My one rose bush is blooming. It has apparently gone back to it's natural state. Usually Jackson-Perkins roses do not do that. Now they are like my lips, red, wild and all over the place. My clematis and day lilies are beginning to bloom. You know how they say opposites attract? For The Hunter and I, it's more like "We're in it to Win It!" Only we are opponents. I'll show him where to put the toilet paper, even if I have to shove it up there myself! If he puts stuff on my chair, then I will sit on it. I won't play the game, rather I won't let him know he just scored a point. This is getting to be fun! The marriage game, I mean. When a person is on their 3rd marriage, should that even be allowed if they still can't spell the word marriage correctly? Chocolate is good. Chocolate is good for you. Is chocolate better than sex? You already know my answer to that!! The Hunter + Hershey's Syrup = SCORE!!!!! I see I am coming frighteningly close to the gutter now so I will let you all go. I'm off to drive around and count how many places are open 24/7.

When garbage trucks unite.

2011-06-08T09:23:00.004-05:00

I went to bed a 1am. Awoke at 7:30 am. Did I wake the Hunter or did he wake me? Don't know. All I do know is that God told me I need 9 and 1/2 hours of sleep a night. I realized it was the garbage trucks raucously rumbling down our streets that woke me. Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled that we no longer have to put our trash in plastic bags or cans that we have to drag down to the curb. When the company changed, we were given large, wonderful carts on wheels. Love them. But really? 7:30 am? The trucks will definitely burn in hell for this injustice. Well ok, at least they will melt. But their contents will burn. What's the big deal you ask? There are three different trucks that come by. Trash. Recycle. Yard waste. Then a while later they come back and do the other side of the street. And there are rogue trucks that just drive up and down for no particular reason at all!
Oddly enough, we didn't make it to Barnes and Noble today. But The Hunter is going out drin.....I mean, to lunch with his old drin....uh, work buddies and I will be sauntering over to retrieve MY books. It will be nice and cool outside and I can weed and plant and enjoy.
I did not go to the kid's ball games today but Meadow texted me that she got a home run! Go Meadow! I am excited about the cool weather coming. Rain along with it, but who cares? Did you ever notice that when you are outside with a man and it starts raining,...they start running and yell at you to run!? If I am hot, the rain feels like manna from Heaven. I relish it! "Run! It's raining! You'll get wet!!! Really? Ya think?

Short but sweet....

2011-06-07T22:30:00.002-05:00

When I woke up this morning, I had alot of things floating around in my mind, the main idea was...what drives you. But I am not doing that now. When I blog, I just sit down and write what comes to me. Here it is for today. The Hunter always wanted me to learn how to play Canasta. I was raise on Bridge and Pinochle. I finally said OK. Um,...he used to play all the time with his Grandma but couldn't remember how to play? So out comes my ancient Book of Hoyle. In the mean time, we played once with friends and I loved it. Anyway, playing cards with him turned out to be the same as playing with my 1st husband. I had always thought it was a Sicilian thing to always change the rules to suit you. He kept consulting the book as we are trying to play, changing rules as he reads them. Happy that we are actually doing something together that we both enjoy and he has absolutely no idea that I want to slap some smart into him.
Opps. This really isn't short, is it. In fact, it isn't even sweet. But read on...it does have a happy ending. The Hunter asked if I wanted to go to the bookstore and then we would grab a bite. He wanted a new Book of Hoyle and I found 6 books I wanted to get. I almost always get all my books from the thrift shop. Two were hard bounds that I collect. $6.99 ea! 1 was a book I couldn't find last time we went to the book store and then there were 3 paperbacks from a new author that the Lamb Whore Leader reviewed on her blog. The Hunter told me to put them back. Then he said (thinking I was holding 5 books) that I would have to give him 5 books to donate. No problem. But he said to give him the books 1st and then I could get the books. And then...get ready, rule change....He meant 5 book for each book I wanted to buy. I put on a bit of a pouty-face until I realized that this would be a piece of cake. We got home and within 15 minutes, I had his damn 30 books and 3 more. I told him I threw in a few extra for the tax. I win!!!!! What have we learned today? That's right.....don't fuck with the middlechild.

A cat has 9 lives

2011-06-06T18:31:00.003-05:00

How many do I have? I didn't die Sat.. I almost died choking on my dinner last night and today I mowed in 93 degree heat and humidity. I am still ok!!! I'm too hot to even water my flowers which are quite thirsty, I'm sure. The Hunter has been laying low. He is out there now watering his garden and I worry about his breathing. It is hard when an adult acts like a child, yet you can't tell them what to do. Guess he has to make his own choices. I do everything right so that is not a problem for me. Self esteem much? The Hunter has been driving me crazy lately but it isn't worth getting into. Just the usual stuff. He did make some awesome, to die for, going to Heaven monkey bread. What do I care that you have to use a chisel to get it out of the pan? We aren't even going to have dinner tonight due to heat and lack of appetite. Perhaps I will try to catch up on stuff I have recorded. My brain is working even slower than usual due to some of it melting. Like always....we went from 50's to 90's, skipping spring altogether. Time to get out the half naked clothes. Whew!!!

In case I die.

2011-06-04T09:56:00.005-05:00

Just wanted to let you know I am going to sit out for several hours in this unbearable heat and humidity watching my granddaughter's ball game. I will have a cooler with whisk,..um, water and a visor and an umbrella. So if I melt from the heat, I want you to know....it's been a slice.
I have decided to put my house back together regardless of the torn apart walls and partially ripped up carpeting and some windows installed without them being trimme out. I can't keep living like this. First I will have to move all the cra....stuff The Hunter has thro...piled on the shelves in the garage that he built for ME! I will get it done if it takes the rest of my life. I know it is the cause of much of my depression. Oooo, better get busy in case I die from the heat.
HEY! I know this is no big deal for many of you but we have a baby fawn that was left in our yard for "daycare." This is the first year we have had deer in the yard. Picture a street of old houses. Now a row of houses behind us. Then a street. Then a big open park. That is how far they come to feast on our plants. There is more building going on and I hate it. They seem to particularly like the hosta. Fine with me! I don't care for it. The fawn is tucked in by our bushes, behind the big oak barrel and red pump. It is just such a cool thing for me. So yeah, I am easily pleased. I am someone with small dreams and that suits me just fine. Hope you all enjoy the weekend. Peace.

OH NO!

2011-06-01T21:54:00.003-05:00

I see someone hacked my blog yesterday. Damn, I hate when that happens! Had Wendy's for dinner. The Hunter and I took a nap and there wasn't even sex involved. We must have been tired! Kids have baseball games Saturday and I will not allow The Hunter to go even though he wants to. It will be 90 degrees and super humid. He won't be able to breathe. He's been having enough trouble lately. I did end up mowing last night. It was kinda fun, actually. So, as always, I leave you with this....PEACE LOVE AND SWEAT.

Y I'm lawn mowerig now. WTF? No I'm not, liar.

2011-05-31T18:55:00.003-05:00

Cuz 1st of all, the sun isn't tan enough and I am wearing little clothes for nothing. But n...first is cuZ I PLANNED TO do it it (oh really?) what's with the capital lettes there? My planning isn't inportant enough to capital it and when I do on purpose,I am not yelling whatever etquite says. And I ain't usin spell- o -roony cuz it's stoodip. right Because I wasn't gonna shave the lawn till 2morow cuz of the storm we didn't get. Too bad so sad. And but I dd weed and nt done but The Hunter alnost cut my fingeroff with the pruning shears while he dut up my lilacbushbut not really cut up. he wax just cutting off floers cuz i was goona do it and he readsmy lists and that's why I journal here cuz he'r a nosy fucker. Belle wants to go for a walk and I can't cuz I will ti-pover probably. I had to test The Hunters derinks to be sure they were safe and I wa tirsty from weeing and swetting and soit was good and i didn't eat cuz I forgeot but yes I dsid cuz rememememevber, I ha that turkey sandwich. Yeah, you musta forgoten;/ If I mow now will I cut my foot of or jest a toe.?/ I tought He was gonna cut my finger off when I was trying to show him where to cut off the flowers. or did I alrady tell you that. See how fast Itype shen I want t? LOL=little olk lady. And omg is Ogle my gorgeuouoseness.

The Winds Of Warm

2011-05-30T19:46:00.006-05:00

So...like 90 degrees out today. I know that's nothing to many of you. But here in Illinois, we used to get a little thing we liked to call Spring. And as in recent years....we have gone directly from Winter to Summer. My plants don't know what to do. They have begun yellowing at the bottom from all the rain. I know they will survive. Me? Not so sure. Remember me complaining about the cold? (Yeah, I know, I complain about everything). Well, I'm melting. Just got done cutting The Hunter' hair and grabbed a shower before he did. He had run out to roll up his truck windows and OPPS! he did it again. Had left the key in the ignition on in whatever the position is that you use to open or close your windows without turning on the truck. It's auxillary but since spell check isn't very bright and I don't know how to spell either, I am not going to call it that. Battery doesn't feel so good. Turn truck on. CLICK. CLICK. So The Hunter has it on the charger and we shall see.
Daughter having problems with hubby again. It's generally her perception that is askew. It only took me two or three texts to "fix" her this time. Yay me! I have thought on occasion that I want to be a therapist. 'Course I wanted to be a figure skater and then a singer so.......I guess I will have to settle for being a professional bride.

To One Degree or Another

2011-05-29T18:06:00.002-05:00

Thursday morning it as 37 degrees out. Tomorrow (Monday-Memorial Day) it will be 90 degrees. The bottoms of my plants are turning yellow from the constant rain. The baby shower was good.......food. Not many people. Is this not the most bestest. funist. informative. exciting post ever? I don't know...I usually sit down to post and just let it flow. Nothing is flowing. The humidity is causing The Hunter to have more breathing problems than usual. I hate that there is nothing I can do for him. I am good. I have been pretty good and if I have two good days in a row...I am scared to death, expecting the next bad day to be really bad. Complain. Complain. I am fine and.....OK people. I may have taken an extra Xanax but -Opps! My mind just went blank. Later.

Headaches

2011-05-28T19:15:00.001-05:00

A many of you already know, it seems Blogger has a headache again. At least now I don't freak out. Comments give and error message. Opps! As I write this, am getting an auto save failed message. No worries. It's a waiting game and I am a pretty patient person. In fact, I am fully prepared for this not to post. My hands are cold anyway ad I need to go downstairs and see if the heat is turned on. I also need to wrap a gift for a bab shower I am attending tomorrow. Peace.

I am the new Village Idiot!

2011-05-27T22:12:00.003-05:00

JEWELRY GIRL, I have not, nor will I ever forget about you. Remember....you were my first. Let me know what the docs. figure out.
QUEEN, Thank-you.
SHOES, If my blog was raptured, I was too. I am not sure what I feel about the rapture. Will need to study my Bible. I know I will go to heaven when the time comes-even though God will probably have to put me in alot of time-outs.

Sorry for all the drama, for anyone who knew about my blog going AWOL. I blame comcast but in the end, I think maybe I should be spanking myself. Middlechild = DUH! Next time things get messed up,....I will go away and come back later, thus giving it a chance to fix itself. I seriously thought about signing myself into the Steve Jobs Addiction Center. That kind of scared me. I must say though, I think I was angry more than anything. I have missed you all so much. IRL...oh that's right, I don't have one.
Actually, I do. Today was lots of cleaning and putting in another window and yest. was helping clean the gutters, among alot of other crap. Oh. For those who don't know,...I am not a monkey to be climbing all around like I have been, nor am I the World's Strongest Man to be lifting so many heavy things. In fact, I not an animal. I am a woman. But if I have to keep doing this shit,... I will make someone a good husband one day.
Enough of this. I am going to read some posts. I have also been having trouble commenting so I will see how that works out. If it is messed up, I will just let it be so. I am done trying to fix computer things. I suppose I could always audit a grade school class to learn more about computers. No? Maybe pre-school then?

Here we go again!

2011-05-26T21:25:00.001-05:00

I honestly think I may be on to something here. Please let me know if you can read this. I may have finaly gotten my blog back!!!

I ROCK!

2011-05-24T21:09:00.002-05:00

Found it! My blog was lost for awhile there. I tried everything and just kept at it cuz I am stubborn that way. All the "help" crap is just that, crap. Then there's fuckcast or is it comass? I never can remember. My Internet all but came to a complete halt. I tried a few things and finally gave up and called them. Usually, I at least get someone who tries. This chick? Not so much. She then mentioned sending out a technician. I said no and that became her mantra for the rest of the conversation! Once again, I danced my way around the computer and figured it out on my own.
Other than that...all is OK. Well my daughter is with out gas and so her husband is heating water and has a camping shower,....then she's been driving on a donut tire and it kind of burned up. She got a tow and a tire and...You know.. I could really use a drinks (no, the "s" at the end of that was not a typo.)

If It Takes Forever Will You Wait For Me?

2011-05-23T22:53:00.002-05:00

I had a great day and now I can't post because apparently Comcast is on vacation and their temp. sucks! TO XFINITY AND BEYOND!!!!

A Reason Not To Post.

2011-05-22T15:44:00.005-05:00

Just not feeling the best physically and mentally. Not much going on. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Or maybe it's more that even though there are things I want to do,...I just don't have the energy. I did get the geraniums we wintered over into the ground. They need water and they keep predicting rain. Like a fool, I believe "them". Computer says it's 72 degrees. Ha! it's actually 90 on the thermometer we have outside in the shade. Yes. I spend most of my smoking time in my 'man cave'. The Hunter went to the crawdad boil by himself yest. I wasn't feeling quite right. The Hunter says I am becoming what he calls...a house mouse. It is true. I just want to be and stay right here. I am not afraid of crowds. I am not shy. It's just the way I have become. I like to play in the yard. I dislike phone calls. I see the wind kicking up and am hoping the storms do come and get us. I think my dream life is much more exciting than my real life. Ok - let's just say it is definitely more entertaining, though not always in a good way. Sometimes when I go to bed, I feel the previous dream and go to sleep feeling it like an old friend. I have a friend's baby shower to go to. Will be fun, yet I don't really want to go. I am tired of forcing myself to go. I don't feel I am anti-social because I am friendly but it's all such a bother - not the people but the events. So...I suppose I am just lazy. On the plus side, I am not really depressed and I am also not angry at anyone. So I will be fine and pass the day until I can go to sleep. Peace Oh. OK! This is a picture of little Cami playing ball in Las Vegas. Was trying to find a picture I wanted and this is what you get cuz I never know what the hell I am doing. It's alright. I am used to weird shit in my life. Not to worry.

Barrel Jumping

2011-05-18T22:46:00.004-05:00

It's almost 11pm and I feel like doing yard work. Didn't feel well today. No reason...like always. It was dreary out but I should be used to that by now. I did the driving out to my grandson's school even though we both were tired and could have slept all day. He's in 8th grade and it was an awards ceremony. There were 3 categories Attendance, Attitude and Achievement. Ok. Nate is "special". By that I mean, he's the one who can just be sitting there ad he falls off the stool. He's the one that-while playing Cranium-spits out the answer "The Devil Wears Prada!", or acts out a seal on the floor that has us laughing our asses off. He is quick and the stuff that flies out of his mouth is often hysterical! Goofy, but quick enough that you know it's just him. He is also the middle child and avoids conflict and tries to help everyone get along. He's generally happy and very helpful. His older brother and younger sister are smart without even having to try. Nate has to work on it. Sorry I made a short story long but,...we figured he'd get an award for attitude. When they had him come up and his award was for A-B Honor Roll? We were all surprised. He was surprised! My daughter started crying and the puts tears in my eyes. I could go on. I called my ex to let him know and so he came. Then I drove home and there's alot of construction on the tollway. It went down to one lane and I was behind a semi that as being driven by a blind guy apparently. (no offence to my son John.) Talk about swerving! I am one for keeping my distance, just in case. Truck hit one of those construction barrels and it ended up rolling into my lane. I was able to avoid it by going around it to the left and getting back in the lane. A second after, I realized there was a worker walking out to pick up the barrel. Shit! Did I almost hit him? Well, prob. not but what if.... Well, I had no choice. I don't think he walked out to get until after I passed it..... And so, this is how my mind works on a regular basis. Fast, furious and....what? Crazily? Ok. Enough. I am happy. Had a cappuccino and am a bit wired so I took Xanax to counteract that and here I am rambling about All this shit and to bad-so sad, right? Can you imagine if I posted immediately after I woke up? Well guess you have to know me to realize it would be amazing. You'd be like all...geez, she thinks the weirdest stuff and....it's no wonder she's always tired with the constant dreams she has and all these morning thoughts that come so rapidly. Maybe one day-when The Hunter is gone and I can smoke and he my coffee up here, I will blog first thing. And a drunk blog? I am not a frequent drinker but perhaps I will make an exception for you all. Now that one will be too funny. I swear you will pee your pants.

The day got better.

2011-05-17T10:56:00.006-05:00

Woke up too early. Had things I was going to do yest. and today but....yest. I had to help put in a window. It's hard because I see the things that are going wrong but The Hunter doesn' t listen and when it doesn't work out, he gets pissed and does a half-asses job. The guy that had been helping is on vacation now. Today, The Hunter needs help cleaning the gutters and also trimming a tree. This a neighbors tree. (He's already cut down all of ours) Sometimes I think he just hates all living things. It puts sap on his truck. I have told him I would park my vehicle on that side but nooooo. So he is only trimming the part on our side. Looks like crap from the sidewalk. He says that it's their tree and they can trim their side if they want to. I will leave this as a draft and add to it later when-hopefully-I won't be so pissed off.

Ok. I have calmed down. I did help him with the tree. He decided not to do the gutters as he is to tired and ache. I took a nap. My son called, his sister-in-law went to the hospital for chest pain and was diagnosed with Emphysema. She's only 30. Is that even possible? My DIL took her grandma to the airport and in the mean time, my son called her to let her know he sister was at the hospital and that she might want to go there after dropping the grandma off. And then my grandson's pediatrician and psychiatrist called agreeing with his therapist that he needs to get off the anti-anxiety meds so they said to take him to the hospital to check his ???? hormone levels or something similar. I should know this. He will call me later tonight. Oh - and did I tell you tat the grandma's flight isn't until tomorrow? Yeah. So DIL had to go back and pick her up,then home to get my son and granddaughter to go to the hospital.....this is how their life goes sometimes. Actually-often.

Here's a really weird thing. My friend in Arizona called and neither one of us was having family issues. That's a first! We were both happy. Yeah, at the same time.
So, nothing much. Tomorrow we will be going to our grandson's awards ceremony. I look forward to it.

Sonday

2011-05-15T14:19:00.004-05:00

Cuz it sure ain't sunny out. Wind is good. (Oh how far I will reach to find the silver lining, right?) Throat is sore and was thinking....whiskey or advil? Advil won out but I may go the whiskey route later this evening. We went out for breakfast after church. I am too full. The Hunter said, "Let's just put the roast away." Yay! Anything to get out of cooking!!! But no, we will still have the roast and baked potatoes and sweet corn from The Hunter's cousin's farm. The Hunter froze it last summer and it is sooooo good! I am glad I was able to mow that one nice-and I use the term lightly-day. I also got my flowers. I usually spend about $80 each year. I had planned to get 2 flats of annuals and 3 perennials. I am switching to all perennials but still do some pots here and there for color. I looked outside first. (Home Depot) Saw these awesome black petunias. But they were in a large pot with a few white accent plants. $20 EACH? No way. I went inside knowing full well they wouldn't have any single trays. The same thing happened when they first started selling grape ivy. But as I'm looking around, I became aware that my inner dialogue was - oh, these might be ok and....maybe I will try some of these.... It dawned on me how stupid I was being. So, I went outside and grabbed the last two pots. I am so excited!!!! Yeah, this is me. I get easily excited by the smallest things; A different kind of bird. A hot air balloon. A beautiful cloud formation. Fireworks. Even that time I held the Tarantula. Well,....not excited, but after the fact I was proud that I did it. I'm telling you, it was the softest thing I have ever held. Seriously. As always...thanks for the comments. always appreciate them.

Not Posting Today

2011-05-14T18:22:00.002-05:00

Because the weather is cloudy with drizzle all day. And that is how I feel. And I know no one likes to hear me say what I feel when it's like this out because that is how I am inside. Just like the weather.